It’s become clear that I must work harder to transform my fear and anger into compassion and peace of mind.
It’s easy enough to preach compassion, but it’s damn hard to practice it, especially in an angry and divided culture like hours. Everything I do seems to have an argument attached to it.
We are all grabbing the mantle of righteousness and absolute certainty while I have been going in the opposite direction. I want to learn how to listen and recognize the suffering of angry people. So here’s the trick: anger, conspiracy, and lies are hot in our country right now. How do you deal with it without becoming what you hate?
I want to share my process at the moment. Anger is a poison, either out of my mind or someone else’s.
“Anger has the power to burn and destroy,” writes Thich Nhat Hanh, my favorite spiritual guru of the moment, “if you don’t know the mindfulness practice, you will be burned and destroyed by anger. You will suffer, and those around you will suffer as well. That is why you must do something immediately when you notice that anger is coming up.”
I go through spiritual guides rather often; I appreciate fresh ideas and approaches, the spiritual direction is never a straight line, and I learn from almost everyone who thinks profoundly and honestly about it.
I am drawn to the idea that people who practice anger and hate are suffering as much or more than I am. If I wish to be understood, I must return the favor, even when I feel I have the right to strike back.
Hanh’s advice is the best and most meaningful advice I’ve read about anger. I have suffered from it, and those around me have suffered as well. I’m working hard to change. I’m making some progress; I have further to go.
I believe I’ve been somewhat schizophrenic in my spiritual work.
I easily muster compassion for the refugees I work with or the elderly residents of the Mansion. Buy when provoked or (in my mind) unjustly and disrespectfully criticized, I can turn into a raging bear and match the venom bit by bit.
But the refugees and Mansion residents never insult me. It’s easy to love them.
And anger can be constructive. I can thank my Irish school friends for teaching me how to fight back and how to fight dirty.
It’s hard to be sympathetic to angry and cruel people.
That’s not in sync with my ambitions and the meaning of a spiritual direction. Suffering is suffering, whether you’re a jerk or not. Suffering is most often the reason for anger and cruelty. You have to be damaged to write cruel notes to strangers you’ll never know.
I don’t need to roll over with my feet up in the air; it’s more about having the confidence and strength not to argue and trade insults with people. I want to be the bigger person.
I want to let it go or use it for good purposes. It shouldn’t be that hard, except we can see from what’s happening in the country that not too many people can or want to do it. The whole idea of compassion is being eviscerated, as is honesty and truth.
I’m determined to be one of the ones who beat it. I get to choose who I want to be and how I would like to be.
Now is the time to show my ability to learn to be compassionate and feel it. I’m committed to this work amidst the jeerly and snarling from the dark side of the social media people. I like the spiritual idea that we all suffer from the same heart. Can I open my heart to these people? Is there a better test of my spiritual sincerity than this?
The question is start. Am I a hypocrite, or can I practice what I preach?
This tests my honesty, sincerity, and determination to lead a soft and gentle life. I’m not looking to be a saint; I’m looking to be a decent human, a better man than the ones I see running for President.
Here are my five steps to compassion.
- When someone assaults me online, I stop. I wait 24 hours before deciding if I want to respond and how I can do it in a civil (better) way than my assailants. I like to be bigger and better than the people who would harm me.
- Almost 100 percent of the time now, I delete the message. I don’t need to be either be a victim or a fighter. I can embrace the very spiritual ethos of letting things go. I’m not looking for sainthood; I’m looking for happiness and meaning.
- For one thing, critics keep me honest. I pay attention. But they mustn’t control me.
- When I get angry, I feel like a hypocrite. And I am. It’s my responsibility to control it and turn it to a better purpose than revenge. I’m no longer in Junior High School, and Junior High School seems to be setting the new morality sweeping through the nation: lying.
- If I do respond angrily, I stop to ensure I am respectful and calm and only talk about myself and how I feel. I call it “me” talk. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone at this point in my life, and I don’t need or desire to argue with anyone or call them names.
- This is deepening My Practice. This means having a genuine practice towards compassion, not in form or word only. When a practice is authentic, said the prophets, it will bring joy, peace, and stability to myself and the people around me. That’s worth the struggle.
I can do what I set out to do if I am serious and committed.
Trolls deserve empathy from me if I am to become the person I want to become. And I do like that.
When a woman named Julie wrote me a message, laughing at my Dyslexia, intentionally or not, I got angry. I’ve been hearing those sneers and giggles all of my life. I decided to do something good with it.
“Most of the time, you confuse Zip with Bud in your posts. This time, you confused Zinnia with Maria. Yikes!?! – Julie
Julia was exaggerating; it isn’t something that happens constantly, just a lot. This was my response:
My heart breaks for you, Julie. I see you managed to figure it out. Note to Dyslexic people: ignore people like Julie. You will run across them your whole life, but they can’t hurt you. Remind yourself to be strong and never to hide or apologize; they never will. Don’t let them undermine or break your spirit; never feel wrong about being you. They are small, and you can choose to be significant. And yes, you CAN publish your blog or do anything else you want.
Julie’s message got me angry, but that was my problem. I took Hahn’s advice and dealt with it immediately. I meditated, stood back, reminded myself to be humble and forgiving, and decided to turn the message to good purpose by giving parents or teachers a bit of ammo to use against people who don’t understand what empathy is.
The message was suddenly not about me but other people and how it might help them. That melted the anger right away.
I don’t know Julie, but I’m sure she doesn’t set out in the morning to be cruel. Like so many Americans now, Julie is learning on social media to open her mouth without thinking and send a hurtful message without thinking.
I feel like I’m doing well. Anger has never done me any good. It did me a lot of harm. I am coming to see that anger is one opportunity after another to be better and healthier. I can do without it. It has never accomplished one meaningful thing in my life.
Neither has fought with the broken souls who know no better than to intrude on my life and hurt me, intention or not.
The answer is not to become one of them but the real me, for better, for worse.
