With my camera, I am exploring the spirituality of fish, and their experience with reflections.
This morning, I sat alone for a bit in the dark with the fish.
I was thinking about something Henri J. M. Nouwen wrote in his meditation, “Out Of Solitude,” a book I return to often.
“Whereas patience is the mother of expectation,” he wrote, “it is expectation that brings new joy to our lives.”
St. Francis told one of his friars, “you are sad now, but I shall see you again, and your heart will be full of joy.”
A person without hope in the future cannot live creatively in the present, I think. Hopeless is not a feeling that opens up the soul. I think the irony, perhaps the paradox, is that those who believe in tomorrow can live better today, in the present.
That is what I am learning about myself. The news does not offer us hope, there is no money in presenting it, according to the marketers. Tragedy and violence and conflict sell, something in the human psyche seems to want fear more than hope.
I am sad sometimes, but expectation brings joy to the sadness and love and hope to my heart.
I think a life lived in expectation is a life filled with hope, and a life filled with hope is a life that knows joy.
The people I know without hope are empty and angry and filled with hurt and bitterness. I can tell them right away, in my life, on the screen. They have nothing to look ahead to.
I embrace expectation, it has always brought joy to my life.
I’ve ordered the tickets for the September 13 Lake George lunch and cruise for the Mansion residents who can and wish to go. I was hoping Joan could come, but the staff feels it would be a bad idea, her ideas and memory have deteriorated in the past year and it might be unsafe for her to go, even if a staffer was available to be with her all the time.
A boat ride on a crowded boat could be confusing and disorienting for her.
So we huddled and Morgan Jones, the Mansion Director and I, came up with an alternative plan. Morgan says Joan lives to ride around and listen to country music, it is her favorite thing. So I countered with this idea.
How about we make Joanie Queen For A Day, I will hire somebody with a big and comfortable car to come to the Mansion and pick her and me and Maria up. We’ll take Joan to lunch at the Round House Cafe and then drive around the beautiful hills and mountains her for an hour or with a boombox loaded with old country music songs, Joan’s favorite.
If she got restless or tired, we could just come back.
I asked Joan about it yesterday and she lit up, so we are going to get her family’s permission and then set a date. I love this idea. Joan is full of life and fun, but her eyes and memory are both fading, I would love to give her this kind of day, I know she would love it, and Maria would love to come along and help.
Why It’s A Very Good Week For Me: Emma’s new pup Sandy.
I see that a number of people are worried about me, they believe I am having a very rough week. these concerns are sweet, and I appreciate them.
Most of you know about Ed Gulley, a good friend who died of brain cancer last week, and yesterday, I wrote about the death of Bob Mather, someone Red and I visited regularly at the Mansion.
I got a lot of messages expressing sympathy for me, many mentioned that they were thinking of me as I must be having a rough week.
These are very good people and it is very meaningful to me that they worried about me. Lovely, actually. I felt the death of Ed Gulley acutely, Bob was a sweet and wonderful man. I do not grieve as a rule for Mansion residents who die.
If you work in assisted care, almost everyone you know will become ill and die, sooner rather than later. I keep a boundary around those relationships, death is a part of this experience, and if I grieved deeply for everyone I have worked with, I would flame out in a month.
That might sound cold, but that is the deal I agree to. I do this work I love, there will be a lot of sickness and struggle and loss. That’s the bargain. I am neither surprised nor done in by it.
I was grateful for Ed’s death, he and his family were suffering in an awful way. I am glad he is no longer in pain and confusion, and I am glad Carol and her family can begin the long process of healing and moving on with their lives.
I believe I was faithful to Ed, and also that he lived a full and rich life. It was time for him to go, he was getting to place he never wanted to be.
That is how I look at grieving, for people, for animals. It is a part of life, it will come to all of us. It is sad, but not only sad, and life must go on. I feel death very strongly, it will not make my life a misery.
I will be honest, as I try to be, and confess that I had the same reaction to the people who approached me here in person this week with very long and sad faces as if I were to be pitied or was in need of comforting. Or as if I had cancer.
I felt I must be conveying something I didn’t mean to convey, because I am not having a rough week, I’m having a very good week. And I am absolutely not in need of pity. I have never been happier, or had more purpose.
In a sense, this week is a landmark week for me and the Army of Good, we have never done more for more people. We have never done as many small acts of great kindness or made such a difference in people’s lives. We are really learning how to do it without getting too large or complex.
I take photos of everyone we help, so you all can see who is getting the money you send and what for.
Yesterday, Kelly Patrick burned the tent she has been living in and moved into her new and clean and warm double-wide trailer, in plenty of time before winter to get settled. This week, the soccer team went on a forest adventure at Ramblewild and spent a day at the Great Escape.
I am determined to get them to the New England Aquarium soon. And I will fully support the soccer team as it moves into the regular playing schedule, mostly against much bigger and better funded teams.
This week, blog readers adopted two homeless and battered dogs from the Friends Of Homeless Animals, part of something new here on the blog. I love helping vulnerable dogs find good homes, another good use of the blog.
My daughter Emma adopted a Kentucky Cur she is calling Sandy (above) she and Robin are crazy about the dog. Once again, the crate has really helped. Emma is not nervous any longer, so is no longer in need of my input. That’s the way it’s supposed to work.
This week, a lovely woman gravely ill with cancer sent me a large donation to use as I wish with the refugees and Mansion residents. Her faith in me and her wonderful gesture brought me to my knees.
My new dog Bud is recovering from his heartworm treatment and will be coming here the first week of October. I am supporting a wonderful rescue group called Friends Of Homeless Animals, it seems natural to me to help needy dogs as well as needy people. And evolution for me.
I am working on my next and probably last hardcover book for Simon and Schuster, it is tentatively called Gus And Bud: A Tale Of Two Dogs And A Time Of Transition.
This week, I bought tickets so that every Mansion resident who wishes to go can come along on a two hour lunch and cruise boat ride on Lake George in September.
In the last month, Ali and I and the Army of Good have helped one immigrant find an apartment, helped two refugee mothers move their families to safer and better places, bought more than $1,000 in clothes for refugee children, boys and girls.
I couldn’t begin to list all of the help we have offered the Mansion residents, from clothes to books to cameras to air conditioners for the grueling summer.
I have love and connection in my life, all kinds of good plans, for me, my work, the refugees, the soccer team, the Mansion residents. It has not been a tough week for me, I respect life and live very much in the present and with an eye on tomorrow.
The news we hear every day is disheartening and sometimes frightening. All the more certain I am that I wish to respond in a positive way, small acts of great kindness have kept me grounded.
I am learning from this experience not to tell other people what they must be feeling, no matter how well meaning that seems, but to to ask them if I wish to know.
And I remind myself every day of my life that so many people on this earth have it so much worse than me, and have so many harder battles to fight than I do. I will not ever forget that.
What kind of week am I having? The truth is, I am having a great week.
We organized a refugee expedition to the Great Escape on Tuesday, we invited five or six members of the soccer team, but also opened the trip up to other refugee children living in the Albany area. Tomorrow, the soccer team goes bowling.
Ali said everybody had a blast. We got them free parking and a buffet lunch. Thanks again to the Army of Good for giving these children a chance to get out of the city, ride roller coasters and other rides, and swim in the water park.
I hope to go next time. This is a great event for these kids, especially in the summer, when most are out of school and with a lot of time on their hands. We’re trying to spread the joy, we focus on the soccer team but also look for ways to bring in other children.
Note: Thanks once again for clearing out the new Amazon Mansion Wish List, that didn’t take long. The one remaining item, a party kit, is no longer available. Thanks for this support.
I am very happy to report that Kelly Patrick, a veteran certified nurse’s aide at the Mansion Assisted Care Facility, moved out of her tent yesterday (and burned it) and into her new home, a bright and comfortable three bedroom double-wide in Salem, N.Y.
It was a long and hard journey for Kelly from the tent to her new home, where she will live with her daughter and grandson. They all spent this stormy and wet summer in a small camping tent. Kelly, a loving and conscientious caretaker of elderly people, lost her apartment when the landlord decided suddenly to sell the building.
She had run into some difficulties and did not have enough money to pay her bills, especially when she had to help her daughter care for her grandson, who was seven. Kelly fell behind and could not catch up, she did not have enough money to pay for the deposit and first month’s rent on a new apartment.
She eventually found a place – this trailer – but she did not have the $1,800 to rent the apartment, it costs $900 a month. Kelly refused help for months, I repeatedly asked if I could help her, she repeatedly turned me down.
I persisted, the people who care for our mothers sometimes need some care themselves. The mansion staff is full of good people, Kelly is one of the best. None of them make much money, nor do caregivers all over the country.
Slipping into financial trouble during a time of stagnant wages and obscene corporate profits is an American story, all too familiar. I vowed to get Kelly out of that tent, I couldn’t sleep thinking about it.
Finally, after a tree limb came through the tent like a spear in a torrential thunderstorm, Kelly relented and said she had to get her and her family out of the tent. So the Army Of Good rallied and we had the money in a day or so, plus several hundred extra dollars for some necessities for her home.
This is a triumphant week for the Army Of Good. Yesterday the soccer team went to Ramblewild, for a confidence building forest adventure. Today, they went to the Great Escape Amusement Park for fun. This weekend, we helped find homes for two homeless and very needy dogs, Jen and Albert.
And this morning, Kelly was in her new home, cleaning up and getting her cable installed.
I thank you so much for your help. This was a very big deal for me, for Kelly, for the Army Of Good, for the Mansion residents, for her grandson, for all the people who believe in doing good for one another.
In America, we are all supposed to have an open field, so many people have died for that idea. Part of this work is keeping that idea alive.
Everybody who is good is looking for good. “Let us go elsewhere, In to the neighboring country towns, so that I can proclaim the message there, too, because this is why I came,” said Jesus. To drive out the devils, and help the poor and vulnerable.
I have no idea whether or not Jesus was the son of God, he is not a God to me, but a very special human being who helps me understand where I should go and what I should do. He touches the God in me.
Thanks for helping Kelly. I believe this to be the high watermark of the Army Of Good, it is so much better to do good than argue about what good is.
