Bedlam Farm Blog Journal by Jon Katz

There is a fine line between life and death at the Mansion, death is a regular occurrence there, but still, the residents often  feel a particular loss deeply.

Kenneth, Ruth’s husband of 27 years, died last week.

Every death is different. Some of the residents are rarely seen and barely known, others – Ken and Ruth – were very much seen, they were almost always sitting together on a couch in the Great Room.

The Memorial Service was held this morning, and I wanted to go. I love talking to Ruth and Ken, and photographing them, they were a sweet and devoted couple, always together.

Ruth got up at the end of the service to thank everyone. “You are my family now,” she said, and then she asked the Mansion Director Morgan Jones to come up for a hug.

I was touched when she also asked for a hug from me. “I want to thank you, Jon, when Ken and I got here, we had no money and you got us things we needed so we could be warm and look right. Thank you,  we both loved you.”

When I first met Ruth and Ken, I saw – and was told – that they came only with the clothes they were wearing. Thanks to some good local Thrift Stores and Amazon, that was not the case for long.

These thanks belong to all of you, the Army Of Good – you have helped this couple with warm clothes for the winter, cool clothes for the summer, underwear, socks, sweatshirts, jackets and hats, large print books, a small TV for their room, and books and stuffed animals for Ruth. Thanks to you.

I’m looking for some YA- level large print books for Ruth. (and for Jackie).

There was a lot of sadness in the Great Room today, in a work where there are few couples, everyone loved to see this very devoted couple together, usually sitting on a couch in the Great Room.

There was a heaviness hanging over the residents after this service, lots of tears, the aides were walking around the room passing out tissues. I think I’ll go back with Gus and Red this afternoon. They could use some cheering up. I’ve rarely seen so many tears at a Memorial Service there.

One reason, I think, is that there are no other couples at the Mansion, couples are rare. They remind the residents of many things, including loss and grief.

Ruth and Ken were profoundly sweet, today, Ruth apologized to me for making me sad.

Ruth asked me to print out a photo so she could remember the service, and I’ll see that this gets done. I felt so close to the residents this morning, Red and I just hugged our way out of the room.

The Mansion teaches me once more that death is a part of life, sad beautiful and today, life-affirming. Ruth has a new family, and I promised her we would help her if we can.

You can write to write c/o Ruth, The Mansion, 11 S. Union Avenue, Cambridge, N.Y., 12816. Your messages matter.

Last night, I took my first portrait of Bud as he lay on the sofa curled up next to Maria, a favorite spot in his future life, I imagine. I am fond of his Smush Face, and as he is rarely still, I wanted to catch it last night while I could. Bud is a real character, don’t let  his temporary shyness fool you.

A new project has come to me, one that I hope to eagerly embrace and want to share with you.

In recent weeks, several private schools in the Albany area have approached me about helping them find a support a refugee girl or boy. I said I believed it was very important to choose a girl.

At least one donor at one school is considering offering a full scholarship to a gifted young refugee girl eager to get to college.

I think this is a beautiful idea, and I have begun contacting Albany schools and refugee organizations (so far, only one has gotten back to me) seeking possible names. As you know, the Army Of Good is supporting Sakler Moo’s tuition at the prestigious Albany Academy.

There is a $5,000 shortfall in the generous scholarship he was given, we are making up that difference for this year and the other three years he is in school.

We have raised more than half of that money for 2019 already, and most of the rest is pledged to me for next year.  Sakler is happy and doing well.

I can’t undertake another commitment of that scope, and wouldn’t ask the AOG to do that either, but I can held find some gifted female students, connect them with one of these schools and support them in any way that is helpful.

If we find promising candidates, I will connect them to the schools and help in any way I can.

I’ve met with administrators at three schools, and they are very serious about making their schools more diverse and bringing members of this community into their institutions. “We want to serve the underserved,” one school official told me.

I told the leaders of all of these schools that the refugee families have little or no money, and the scholarship needs to be full if it can work. A $5,000 shortfall  is the same as a rejection in most cases.

As I mentioned, several private donors might possibly be interested in filling that gap.

I want to keep our focus on small acts of great kindness.

I am especially drawn to small and individual and focused projects that alter lives and offer these children paths to success and security. And this project will not require any fund-raising as I  understand it (perhaps small amounts to help with supplies, or trips, etc.)

The refugees newly arrived in America are under siege and in great need. I  hope I can help get a bright and ambitious girl into a school with the resources to guide and educate her.

So far, Bud has been one surprise after another. I brought him out into the side pasture this afternoon and he took his work seriously, running with Fate, checking up on Red, and then, to my great surprise, he noticed Lulu and Fanny heading for the pasture.

He decided for some reason, they shouldn’t come in, and and he ran up to them and barked at them.

To my further amazement, they turned and ran back to the Pole Barn. They were startled by this guy. They have never let a coyote anywhere hear the pastures, but this small dog unnerved them and they retreated.

Donkeys are tough, and they can stomp a dog, but But never gets close to them.

Of course, they came back in five minutes and Bud behaved. Our donkeys are very gentle and sweet creatures, they came back immediately and gave Bud the stinkeye, he didn’t give them any more trouble.

I got a video of the donkey episode and other work with the sheep.

This is the dog who is supposed to timid and fearful – once in awhile, he is. But out in the pasture, he is a lion, afraid of nothing, eager to run and try to figure out what the border collies are doing.

He wants to do it also. Bud is a born farm dog, we are going to have a good time with him.

Kathy Wilhelm, a blog reader who works for the Ashton-Drake Galleries, has worked on a project dear to heart , a doll for memory care patients. She sent me Ashton-Drake’s newest baby doll, Kayla, the comfort doll, “I hope this baby doll can bring joy to one of the residents at the mansion.

She also offered to send some diaper bag items used to help care for the baby.

I did this once at the Mansion, we purchased a doll for Diane, and that has been a wonderful success, Diane sleeps with her doll, she changes her diapers, worries about her, loves and holds her.

It has calmed her and given her focus.

Kathy donated the Kayla doll, she wouldn’t take any payment, or set any conditions.

She asked only for some perspective on how the Mansion resident might react. Tomorrow, I’m bringing the Kayla doll over to the Mansion, and I’ll have  a meeting with the staff to talk about which resident would benefit most from this generous gift.

If this works out, Ashton-Drake might send another one. That would be great.

I studied the use of dolls for some months before I got one for the Mansion, there is some controversy about them – this is America, after all –  some doctors feel they infanticize dementia patients.

it is used mostly with memory patients, especially those with dementia.

I haven’t seen any evidence of that at all. These patients are not  getting younger, they are getting older. Could it hurt for them to feel younger? Do they need to be more mature? I remember Madeline, a Mansion resident in her 90’s telling me once “any more mature is the grave!”

It was a great line, but there was some truthful sting to it.

When I see the doll being used, I see how it calms people, eases their confusion, gives them a purpose, and calls up some of the best and most loving parts of their memory. It gives them something important to do, a way of feeling needed and useful.

I believe in them, and I have to say that this doll, the Kayla doll, is one of the best and most life-like that I have seen. The face and the eyes are extraordinary. I have a resident in mind for this doll, if I get permission, I’ll let  you know.

It is a curious thing to bring a baby doll to some women in their 80’s – the men don’t want one. But it is a beautiful thing. In some way, it brings their lives back to one of the most loving and essential times. There is not much else that can do that.

The comfort doll was not a gift I would ever have thought of bringing, yet I’m eager to see the joyous face of the resident who receives it. I’ve seen that look before.

I’ll let you know what happens.