I find myself listening more than I do to the stories of other people’s medical reports. It’s not death I fear sometimes as much as deteriorating, not the pain but the shrinking of the self. The questions never end. How do I feel today? I ask myself if pain or stumbling is a sign of something serious or the usual concerns when aging. Will my heart hold up as I search towards 80? Will my diabetes leave me alone for four or five more years? I don’t know.

My meditation and spiritual work taught me that worry is not physical. It is emotional, psychological, and spiritual. I can’t help the one, but I can help the other.

What is my life going to be about?  I run my daily. How is Jon checking every morning? Can I still write well? Is it okay to remember names (I don’t worry about the typos, etc. I’m a Dyslexic; I’ve had those all my life.) Can I take good pictures and make them better?  Can I matter? Can I learn how to take lessons and learn?  Is America being dismantled piece by piece? Can I avoid boring the world with my health? Help the pantry get the food it needs. And what about Maria? Is my blog going where I want it to be, and am I drawing the people I want to draw? So far, so good. The answer ends up being yes.  And I feel strong. Follow the light, is what the flowers say.

When I take my flower photos, I choose one larger flower, called a “structure,” and then select others to wrap around it. The Calla Lilies are my favorite structure photos. The flowers are built one step at a time, and the structure photo provides a foundation; it is mystical in some way; flowers are spirits that talk to me. So far, the only flower I like to use as a foundation flower is the Calla, which has a beautiful and evocative form. Georgia O’Keeffe taught me in her work that most people ignore flower photos because they’ve seen them so often.  So she enlarges their parts. People do not seem to ignore the Calla Lilli. I sure don’t. The flower photos have a mystical hold on me. In some way they comfort, affirm, and uplift me.