23 January

Counting My Days, A Column On The Fascinating Drama Of Aging. My Do Not Resuscitation Declaration Form Is Ready. “We Turn Not Older With Years, But Newer Every Day.”

by Jon Katz

Yesterday, I had my regular check-up with Doctor Dodge; Maria came with me in case she had any questions about the Do Not Resuscitate Form we were getting that stops doctors or first responders from re-starting my heart if it should stop. For a 77-year-old with diabetes and heart disease, this is surprisingly relevant, even urgent. We saw a letter and got one signed after we got married, but we long ago lost it, and things have changed and been updated.

In New York State, we had to go to our doctor and get the form signed. We then rolled it up in a plastic container and left it in the freezer, where the first responders knew to look.

This is a common thing for older people, especially males with heart disease, to do. We were both surprised by the emotion we felt getting it signed, and we were pretty silent in the car when we came home. I felt somber, a bit shaken. Maria cried briefly, and then we got on with our lives. It did feel somber. I brought an unavoidable reality to the fore.

I did feel sad; I had an image of falling to the floor and expecting Maria to tell the first responders not to revive me. That’s hard to ask anyone you love or who loves you to do. I had t trouble sleeping last night. I don’t expect to need or use it any time soon, but if you follow the lives of friends and neighbors, it is not rare and often affects men my age. But I felt more than sad; I felt relieved.

Dr. Dodge said my heart is good but uncertain. As I get older, I need to do more work on my diabetes. The blood changes, and that can affect the whole body. There is nothing Maria and I can’t talk about; we discussed imagining this moment quite a bit. And it went as we thought it would.

When this happens, I think of the lines from one of Emily Dickinson’s best poems: “We turn not older with years, but newer every day.”

 

 

 

At this point, my challenge is to live up to Dickinson’s call. I may have a Resuscitation Form, but unless I give up on myself and refuse to live anew daily, I will be new again, even if my body is not.

I had to get out of my head the image of Maria standing over my body and telling the First Responders to leave me alone and let me die. I wish I didn’t have to ask her to do something like that, although we both understand death is inevitable and will come sooner rather than later. Dr. Dodge found no reason I wouldn’t be around for a while.

As I left the bank today, I started slipping on the ice. Three people came rushing over to me, asking if I needed help. “No,” I said, “I can do this.” I’m not there yet, but I did. I felt grateful for the help and proud that I could deal with it. I walked slowly and carefully, but I did it.

Interestingly, walking to my car in the winter was something to brag about. Old age is humbling, and I know many people and politicians who might benefit from it.

Some things about aging are simple, but there are always choices to be made. We made one of them yesterday with my doctor, and today, it feels good and, ultimately, good all around, not just for me. The last thing I want is for the rest of Maria’s life to be devoted to caring for me; many people believe that is the duty of a couple or family, but I don’t share that view. Everyone has the chance to be happy, if possible.

Maria has to have her life, just as she helped me have mine.

We live in a cruel society that seems to be getting more vicious by the day; that’s not who I want to be.

Joan Chitterson wrote that a lack of commitment to accomplishment would mean I have moved into a period of suspended animation, accepting the idea that aging is nothing more than deterioration, a period of suspended animation.

She says that despite the loss and pain, aging means aging, nothing more or less. I fully agree.

Aging does not define me or dominate my life. For me, signing the DNR implies nothing more than what it says. Let him go. I have already lived a good whole life and don’t consider it over. That part is up to me.

I vow to continue my commitment to accomplishment, use the considerable skills I have acquired over the years, and put them into practice. How wonderful it would be if I brought these skills and insights and made the world a better place in some small way.

My goal is to become wiser, spiritually more potent, and, more than ever, a blessing to somebody, Maria First. To me, DNR is a blessing to her and me. When the time comes for me to die, I plan on dying happily and with pride in the life I have lived.

1 Comments

  1. Hi Jon- I read your blog every day…….it really helps me a lot. My wife has Huntington’s disease and we have both been struggling the last 13 years. we have been married for 56 years and I do the right thing. Death is coming for her soon. But I get up every day and put a smile on my face and face the world. They have told me I will get a gold star ……I dont believe in heaven I just believe in being a good human being and I do that every day…..Bob Little

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Email SignupFree Email Signup