The Truth And Reconciliation Commission of South Africa spotlighted and changed the world when it brought a bitterly divided culture together.

I wrote about this the other day, but my piece didn’t work, so I’ll try again. I’m not a quitter.

The commission’s establishment was not just a pioneering and transformative international event but also a powerful testament to the leadership role. It offered the promise of a Third Way, a better way than killing.’

It was championed by the iconic figures of Nelson Mandela and Bishop Desmund Tutu, who led the way in moving forward from oppression and despotism to democracy.

At its core, the commission was a powerful testament to the rejection of grievance and anger. It was about moving forward in unity, not dwelling on past grievances.

Could our own Reconciliation Commission be the answer to heal the bitterness and division tearing our democracy apart? Imagine the red and the blue coming together, admitting their shortcomings and misunderstandings, and moving forward in unity rather than anger and conflict.

Our divisions seem to be widening, and Mr. Trump, given a broad mandate to lead, has gone instead for finger-pointing, revenge, and fear. He doesn’t seem inclined to reconciliation.

But the search has to go on.

We need a new and different way to talk to one another; I keep thinking that Reconciliation, a voluntary healing of differences,  might be a way down the road.

It’s time we heed the wisdom of Bishop Tutu: “We learn from history that we don’t learn from history.” Our failure to predict the past and inability to foresee the future indicate our need to reflect on and understand our history.

I wrote that I was considering embracing one element of reconciliation – to stop taking sides and listen instead. This experiment was interesting, as I have many opinions and often take sides. I’ve changed a lot in recent years, but only a little. It might be time to take another leap on behalf of humanity.

I said I didn’t know if I was ready to do that. Can I easily forgive Donald Trump for the fear he has instilled in millions of people?

Can his followers – some are my friends – ever forgive the elitists and political leaders who took their jobs away, drove farmers and their children out of their way of life, and abandoned the people who built and fought for America for corporate money?

Both sides have something to apologize for.

I didn’t have to wait long to express my feelings. Just as I published my piece, President-Elect Trump appointed former congressman Matt Gaetz as the next Attorney General, perhaps the worst and most frightening cabinet appointment in American history. The Attorney General is the guardian and protector of our laws.

Did Reconciliation mean I couldn’t disagree with that or protest something I believe to be truly evil?

I’m not ready to decide. I took down the piece to the alarm and confusion of some of my readers. I hadn’t thought enough about it and was not ready to swear off taking sides. Several men wrote and accused me of being a coward, and other people said they couldn’t seem to drop their repulsion at what the MAGA movement stood for.

I plan to start small—one day at a time—and see what happens. I’ll start by deciding not to take sides today. I’ll see how quickly – or slowly – that I’ll be.

Conciliation is widely misunderstood as surrender; it isn’t simple:

Desmond Tutu: “Forgiving and being reconciled to our enemies or loved ones are not about pretending that things are other than they are. It is not about patting one another on the back and turning a blind eye to the wrong. True reconciliation exposes the awfulness, the abuse, the hurt, the truth. It could even sometimes make things worse. It is a risky undertaking, but in the end, it is worthwhile because, in the end, only an honest confrontation with reality can bring real healing. Superficial reconciliation can bring only superficial healing.”

America is very different from South Africa, and very few political leaders in our country are willing to acknowledge this widening gap and reality or admit any mistakes or wrongdoing.  There is no Mandala or Bishop Tutu in sight at the moment.

I returned to reading Desmond Tutu, especially his book “No Future Without Forgiveness.” Desmond reminds me that forgiveness is about healing, not surrender or cowardice. It is much more complicated to say, “I’m sorry. Let’s forgive one another and move on with our lives.”

Tutu was the father of reconciliation then; no one has stepped in to replace him; he died in 2021.

Tutu wrote that the perpetrator must acknowledge the truth and be ready and willing to apologize when a relationship has been damaged, or a potential relationship has been made impossible. This helps the process of forgiveness and reconciliation immensely.

This makes sense to me. I can imagine telling Donald Trump’s supporters that I am sorry for not understanding the pain and anger growing in their communities by wealthier and more content people living in urban and suburban areas who dismissed them as fools and bigots. I wish Democrats could do that.

I can imagine the Trump supporters I know apologizing for their party’s cruelty and rage and their seeming contempt for people who are different. People like me need to re-examine their views on government and politics and at least consider whether some of the mistrust and fury about government is grounded in some way.

I suspect that alone would open pathways of communication that are now slammed closed on both sides.

I’m willing to reconsider my ideas about government, its size and range,  and intrusive and frighteningly expensive practices. Much of the problem, I believe, is that at the highest and lowest levels, we have stopped seeing, knowing, and speaking to one another, except through our news mediums of hatred, hysteria, lies, and conspiracy. We can never come together that way.

Conciliation does not allow one side to be perfect and the other to be flawed.

This is where we are logjammed now. Everyone believes that the other side is wrong.

One side needs to break and start the process of listening. That is where conciliation begins. There is always some truth in the populist revolutions that keep popping up in America. Populists always fail ultimately because they know how to arouse and anger people, but they have no idea or interest in governing.

History may often be wrong, but it frequently repeats itself.

Bishop Tutu dared to take the plunge that American leaders no longer seem willing or able to do – listen to people and apologize when they fail, acknowledge the truth, and be prepared to apologize.

So, I’m re-visiting my interest in stepping back from taking sides and judging the other.

I’ll see how long and deep I can go with the idea of not taking sides.

I’m still not sure I can do it or how it might work, but since we have no brave leaders these days, it’s up to the rest of us to find a way to break through this iron wall of anger and disconnection and start thinking about ways to crawl over it and start listening.

It’s possible in my small rural town; I am sure it’s likely in yours.

I’m doing more research and thinking more about it. I am not afraid to be called a coward, especially by men who are too frightened to think.

I’ll keep at this and share the news.