It seems that there are all kinds of abuse suffered by the young, and almost anything can bring me or other people back to the image of being mistreated, physically or emotionally.
If you are like me, the image and memory of being abused trigger fear, anger, and depression. Shrinks call this “inappropriate attention.” It may be “inappropriate,” but it also seems commonplace. Young children are fragile, still developing their emotions, and abuse leaves all kinds of scars.
These images of the past take us away from our lives and into a cold and dark place of suffering, anger, and fear. I don’t wish to be there. Pain is inevitable; suffering is a choice.
Abuse, I have learned, is not a rare thing but a common one. I found it both comforting and frightening to understand just how common the abuse of children is. I was certainly not alone, but I didn’t know it. I can help a bit by being open about it and sharing what I have learned.
According to the National Children’s Alliance, an estimated 600,000 children were victims of abuse and neglect in 2021, the most recent year for which there is national data. Child welfare authorities are working to protect the safety of more than 7 million children. Over 3 million children received an investigation or alternative response from child protective services agencies.
It is believed that many more cases of child abuse go unreported.
I used to think about these images and recall them whenever my attention was brought to those dark places, or someone told me about them. I realized a few years ago that I need to develop and practice ways of dealing with these lifelong emotions that pop up when invited. I’ve been working to live around them.
They leave a trail – anger, paranoia, fear, and regret. I think we see it every day.
Instead of looking back, I just look around me. I think of Maria, a flower, Zip and the dogs, my blog, and my life now. I think of birds. (Maria thinks of snails.) Abused children often grow up and develop happier surrogate memories. It’s a good practice.
Some people try visualizations, and Buddhists try breathing in and out, saying, “Breathing in, I know what suffering is in me.” Psychiatrists agree that breathing exercises can blunt and even repair the damage caused by these memories. This has been true for me.
I found that recognizing and embracing how my mind works and why it works that way became a practice when the old ghosts popped up in my consciousness, as they often do.
I am allergic to drama and don’t care to be a lifelong victim. Accepting and acknowledging the abuse and its lifelong aftermath was essential and helped me come to terms with the abuse, which, I have learned, is really not a rare thing in our country. I am moving on. The ghost of abuse will always be there, but I’ve moved him into the closet or the basement of my mind.
Images of abuse – not the abuse itself – are just an image when looking back; it is no longer the reality of my life even though it has often shaped my life. How well I respond to these memories has much to do with how I live my life. I don’t care to live in fear, anger, or the past. Like fear, I consider my abuse memories a kind of geography, a space to cross so that I can get on with living happily and meaningfully.
As the mantra suggests, I well know that suffering is in me, and so is the anger and grief it left behind. How I deal with those memories determines how I live my life.
Images of abuse have haunted me all of my life and brought me anger, sadness, and anxiety.
It’s well past time to move beyond that. Since abuse is very rarely acknowledged or spoken of in the open, it is easy to live those images and let them pollute my life. There is so much beauty and good to think of instead.
Meditation and therapy have shown me that there is a lot more to life than my memories from long ago. I see that life, with all of its miracles, successes, defeats, and promises, is here right now. That’s where I want to rebuild my heart and soul with new and bright memories from my life, not just the life I have led.
I’ve also proven that living in the present is possible and puts suffering in its place—in the past, not the present or the future.
Once I accepted the past, the present opened up, and the images in my mind quickly changed.
A difficult subject for sure, Jon. Abuse causes trauma and actually influences the wiring and firing of neurons in our brain. (Read Dr. Bruce Perry’s, “What Happened to You?” or read Dr. Gabor Mate’s “When the Body Says No.”) For me, having evidential knowledge about my own childhood abuse helped me to sort out and heal the effects of it in my present life. I can understand why so many people don’t want to go back there and unpack it. It’s brutally hard work yet, on the other side of the internal healing process is peace; can’t go around it, must go through it. Using a combination of things such as reframing an event, breath work, EMDR, my counselor has helped me to heal that wounded little girl. Now I can live and respond as an adult with agency from today, rather than from that child with no voice in the past.
Thank you for this, both Jon and Karla.