I was devastated yesterday by the latest news about my sister, who suffered an awful breakdown and is in a hospital waiting for social workers to find her a place to live with supervision and support. We decided to break off contact with one another; it was just too painful for us; we had become triggers of trauma.
After all these years, my own fears came true, and I am helpless to be of use and haven’t spoken to her in months. I tried all of my life to save her, and that was not something she wanted or that I could do.
It may be that I will never see her or speak to her again. We mean much to one another; we are the only people who can bear witness to what we both suffered as young children. We held hands through the darkest days, and when it came time to run away, we did it together repeatedly.
Her troubles are not her fault; she was just broken early on in life. The idea of being disconnected from her is a stunning shock and surprise. I am reminded to be grateful for my life. She will no longer live without supervision.
I could barely move yesterday and hardly think. I’ve been talking with Maria, who is always empathic and understanding, and even called my therapist on New Year’s Day, something I have never gone before.
I called a friend of hers to ask what was happening to her, and the story of her collapse was like a dagger to the heart. It brought me back to an awful time; I can’t imagine what it has done to her.
My therapist and I will speak tonight; she always tells me some powerful and helpful things. She’s heard it before and knows me all too well.
She said I had to sit with what has happened to my sister and let it flow and settle; it will be excruciating and sorrowful, she said, but there is nothing more I can do than sit with it; it is a form of grieving, and it will have its way. “Sitting with the pain” is a powerful idea, and I have embraced it. I can do that.
It’s true. Nothing is left to do, no role for me to play.
My challenge and intent is to accept the end of this harrowing chapter and let it go. My sister and I clung to each other for years, and I tried to help for years but failed repeatedly. She is independent and robust, and so is her trauma.
She will be living her life, and I will be living mine. My heart breaks for the pain she suffered and for how hard it has hit me. I broke away and saved myself; she never could. Guilt is a useless emotion, but I feel it deeply.
I’m a veteran of this and a survivor. I know what I need to do and will do it and get on with my life—no pity or mourning for me.
I accept life and mostly ignore the past, and I know that grace is not about living a pain-free life but rather about dealing with it openly and honestly. Sometimes, I must let the pain do what it needs to and let time and love and my heart do the rest.
I was sitting next to Maria’s windowsill art show when the sun burst out of the clouds and woke me up.
Bud is at rest, a cruelly mistreated dog who loves easily but always carries some sorrow on his face. He seems to know how close he came to dying, but this may be a projection. We often transfer our junk and neuroses to our dogs and cats. When I’m distressed, Bud comes up on my lap and rests with me; Zinnia lies on the floor with her head resting on my food.
Reflections, when the sun came out yesterday in the living room.
Maria taking stock in the cold.
FWIW, probably not much. But i feel compelled to offer a remote possibility. Could your sister be moved to a facility nearer to you where you visit her every so often.
Thanks Peg, for your concern. I am not seeking advice, thanks. I’m aware of all the options. This one is not going to happen.
I say my rosary every day (my form of meditation) and will keep your sister and you in my prayers during this sad, painful time.
Sending wishes for love and peace.
Wishing you peace.
Jon, you have lived and chosen a different path, than has your sister. I value your honest postings and revelations of your life! I too have a sibling who is troubled, and in my caregiver mode I have tried to help. But it is not to be. I value the advice of your therapist that you shared “sitting with the pain”. This I will take on, thank you again for sharing your deep and personal thoughts!
Thanks Marilyn, I appreciate this message..
You wrote the most beautiful words. “We held hands through the darkest days.” My heart breaks for you but I hope you will remember when you were there for her…and she for you.
Sometimes it’s beat to love from a distance. I am glad your sister’s friend can provide updates.
This hits close to home. My emotions & life were tightly intertwined with a family member, it was unhealthy for both of us. I disentangled from the person and it has made a postive difference in my life. I am.much healthier. Many people are able to disentangle & maintain a relationship, I couldn’t.
Sending love and light to you and your family.
It’s one of life’s sad times.
I pray you Peace.
Jon, I have typed and erased a few times, gathering my thoughts about you and your sister. In many ways, it sucks to be the survivor, to see your wounded sibling sliding down into their own hell, unable to help them. It’s a lot of baggage to sort through. I’d be on the phone to my counselor too. ” Sometimes, I must let the pain do what it needs to and let time and love and my heart do the rest.” That’s the best description of what we can do. Sending good thoughts, Jon.
I grieve for you. It’s the most helpless thing in the world to hear of situations like this .
My parents broke us physically, mentally and emotionally. Their own friends would take me on the side and tell me not to run away, it would be worse. But our abuse didn’t make us siblings bond, instead it turned us cold anddistant with problems connecting with people . I found my love in animals although late in life I found my husband whom I experience the revelation of real love with. But if I were given the power to choose my outcome of connection disorders or else the terrible time you experience now, I believe I would choose yours. I am not minimizing your pain in the least when I say I believe the Bard when he says it is better to have loved and lost…. compared to my case. I am so glad you have such strong support at home. I wish you comfort as you travel through this, and I know you have the strength to do so.
I am, and have been, where you are and have been. I feel your pain. ❤️