Self Awareness:

Every morning, Maria and I have a problem we have struggled with for years. We wake up thinking, what is it that needs to be done today? We lament this, feeling it makes us anxious. But lately, I realize what a blessing this is. Ultimately, doing what needs to be done daily measures our values, energy, character, and merit.

Perhaps we can feel good about it.

The Morning Sky was radiant this morning; it is a spiritual morning; I set out to capture the different kinds of beauty nature offers us.

I love watching Maria lead the animals out of the pasture when their rotational grazing time is up. I l love my border collies and their energy, but I never knew we could do this ourselves.

I love the great sky we had this morning; my heart shot up like a rocket, and my camera followed. Come and see.

And I got to thinking about the past few months. The wounds of surgery open me up and made me appreciate my life. I know now that my life is listening to me and what I feel and think is important.  In Meditation this morning, I remembered that suffering is as much a part of life as breathing.

People who think otherwise – I was once one of them – are unhappy all the time – because they can’t accept the suffering that comes with life. Many of us seem to be taught that America is the perfect land where no one needs to be poor, broke, or defeated.

We are most unhappy and disappointed when we discover the truth, as we always sill. How can I value what I have in life if I don’t lose some of  This doesn’t mean it’s lovely to be unhappy. The more of life that I accept, the happier I get to be. Every bit of trouble teaches me something and makes me stronger.

People keep telling me how sorry they are that I am having a tough time and have been so sick.

I don’t know how to tell them there have been some difficult weeks, but I am not having a tough time, and I am healthier than ever.

The danger is that when so many well-meaning people do that, I start to remind myself my kidney stone is gone, walking has never been easier or better, and my body is strong enough to fight even the most severe infections.

It will be a while before all of this becomes clear to the outside world or even to me. In the meantime, I have to remind myself.  Every part of me is better and healthier than it was a month ago. I don’t know why I should feel wrong about that. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a choice.

I had some painful but fascinating exchanges over the holiday weekend; one was with a long-time blog reader who says she couldn’t recommend this blog to her friends because of my battles with trolls and others.  She said I often sounded nasty in my responses. We ended up having a good and valuable conversation about anger and cruelty on the Web.

The conversation was uplifting for me; we had stopped talking to one another and only at each other. We changed and had an actual conversation, never ready to do it on social media.

I explained that the issue was complex – it involved boundaries, privacy, and respect. Trolls are threatening to take over the web, and it will only stop when people stand up to them fiercely and continuously. I am not a street fighter and hated Middle School. It’s not just another two assholes sniping at one another. It is deeper and broader than that.

Too many good writers are afraid to share their work online for fear of ridicule, hostility, even death threats.,

It was no longer an argument but a genuine exchange of feelings. “I don’t know,” she wrote, “perhaps I’ve grown fragile to so much snark on the Web. Your blog is, for me, a place of creativity and gentle warmth; I guess I’m seeking refuge from other, less spiritual Web sites, but I really have no business asking telling you what to do.”

And I need to be a better listener. I have hope for both.

It’s up to her, but I hope she sticks around. We ended up, I think, seeing one another as people, not categories of people, as is happening all around. I feel like I’m getting there.

 

 

Alexander Solzhenitsyn wrote that our problem is often that we assume every situation needs to be solved “by them” out there. When it isn’t, we become angry and frustrated. He wrote it all needs to be solved within our hearts. Older people learn that quickly. There is no longer any place to go but inside.

It’s true, I think. It’s not winning and always being happy that matters. What matters is how I bounce back off the rougher, never permitting it to think or speak poorly of my life. Attitude matters in all things, as does acceptance of human life. It isn’t always pretty, but we can make our ownnbeauty.

 

“Life is not a free ticket to Disneyland,” writes Joan Chittister, “it requires commitment.” I agree. My own life is my responsibility.

 

Our Dogs In Their Yard