My own evolving idea about life is that it isn’t just about what happens to me but also about what I make happen to me. Our lives can be stressful and complex, there is anger and violence all around us, and sometimes we spend our lives reacting rather than doing something we can shape or affect.

I believe that I become what I do, not what other people do to me or want me to do. People always tell us what we should do, think, believe, and say.

I renew myself when I push myself to do new things and learn new things. I was busy, even famous, for a short while, but I was also asleep. I went from one thing I was expected to do to another.

My life was about reacting to other people’s decisions about me and for me. I became fiercely protective of my identity, one reason I react so strongly when people try to tell me what to do, what to say, or how to be. I found it hard and long to figure out who I was and what I wanted to do.

I see now that as I became older, I slowly and unconsciously allowed myself to become less than what I could be and lowered my expectations for life. I chose through meditation to go way down into myself to grasp what I still was and what I wished to be. I had given up on love, accepted a troubled marriage, and struggled to figure out who I could change. It seemed impossible.

Aging affects the body in ways I can’t control. But I am the only one who can control my mind, my wishes for the future, and my willingness to grow and learn. I decided on a change, to be who I wanted to be.

I’m changing again today. I’m receiving a Leica mirrorless camera I traded my monochrome in for this afternoon.

When it comes, I will start yet another new chapter in my mission to be a better and still better yet photographer. And to lead a fulfilled life. There are all kinds of rationales and excuses for excepting unhappiness. There are all kinds of rewards for changing.

It took a lot of time and work to make this change – some money also. But I owe it to myself and the world to be the best of myself and to take advantage of every opportunity to be significant, relevant, and learning.

It is never too late for that.

____

P.S. A stack of new books (above)  has appeared next to the chair. I’ll take it slowly for a few days after my foot surgery.

That doesn’t mean I’ll stop working.

It will take me a month to read all of these books. I like to buy and choose the books I read, and I want them to be hardcover books.

The surgery will be something to work around, not a reason to stop.

I’ll be working on that stack in August, and it will probably be even bitter.

I’ll have a surgical boot on, but I can do what I always do – write, walk around, work on the farm,  take pictures, go to the Mansion, and to Bishop Gibbons.

I won’t need to be in a chair all day, just for part of it. And hopefully, I’ll be walking every day.

As you can see from my next-up book stack, I’m falling way behind.

People often send me books I will like, which I am grateful for.

But I also feel guilty because it will take me a long time to read the ones I already have, and new books I want to read are being published daily; I would discourage people from wasting their money on sending me things I almost certainly can’t use.

There isn’t time.  I don’t read many dog books because I don’t like other people’s dog ideas in my head.

And I don’t want people wasting their hard-earned money to send me things I doubt I can get to.

It’s best not to send me books; I need to say that, to be honest. I’m always buying them.

Thanks for caring enough to think of me.