If you ask me what it felt like to get older, I’d probably tell you that aging is about loss and gain. In my case, I’ve gained a lot more than I’ve lost.

But I never expected to be losing a big toe. Age, said one philosopher, is the antidote to personal destruction, the call to spiritual growth.

This is because this period in life finally brings people like me to the point where there is nowhere else to go but inside for comfort and for the things that matter the most.

I think a lot about this idea as I try to make a very big decision involving my foot and mobility.

This morning Maria and I met with David Misiner of Clinical Prosthetics and Orthotics, the maker of my foot brace. David is impressive and knowldgeable.

Next week, I will meet with Dr. Daly, the surgical podiatrist who has been trying to save my toe for a few years. There is no place I would rather be while making this decision than under her care.

The purpose of both meetings is to decide whether or not to amputate my left big toe or whether there are any other good options.

There are always other options. But are they good ones for me?

Everybody tells me it’s a big decision, and I don’t doubt them. I know that,  I’m unsure why some people think I don’t.

Losing a toe is not something I would consider without a lot of research and thought.

Even though I’m prepared to do it, it’s a complex decision, of course, and I want to make it carefully and wisely and without drama or self-pity. Some of our crises are not crises but life.

I know there are other options – a more significant, different brace, more aggressive medical treatments for the wound, and all kinds of powerful antibiotics. I could also keep seeing Dr. Daly every few weeks for the rest of my life to ensure the ulcerated wound doesn’t get infected.

My feet and toes are otherwise healthy, have good circulation, and heal well. The problem is the collapse of my foot arch is creating callouses which in turn create ulcerated wounds.  This foot has been plaguing me for years.

The problem with that is that if my toe – locked in place and unable to move – gets infected (we have to apply anti-biotics to the wounds daily – – that could be dangerous in many ways, for the foot, for my leg, and the rest of me. Feet are all over the place, an infection is almost certain.

To me, it’s a time bomb that will one day go off. Four or five years from now, the damage could be much more severe.

I’d rather face it, get on top of it, and resume my everyday life, which includes lots of walking, which I love.

Surgery always has risks, but I am told the loss of the toe will not affect my walking or balance. The toe, as of now, is doing nothing but cause trouble.

I have great confidence in Dr. Daly. She is competent, honest, and experienced. She would have nothing to do with it if she didn’t think it was a good idea.

Everyone agrees that none of these options other than amputation are likely to work, although one or another might work. My left foot has essentially collapsed. This is a structural problem, not a diabetes problem.

I got the brace thinking we could save the toe.  It’s helped me walk and made everything but the toe better. That hasn’t worked out.

I no longer believe we can heal or cure the toe, which is out of place and useless to me.

I want to support my foot and make it possible for me to walk and move comfortably anywhere. That is possible, much more likely than somehow saving the toe. I’m tired of wearing surgical boots, which keep me from walking.

The idea is to give up on the toe and focus on the foot. Sure, it would be a gamble – there are no guarantees in health care, certainly not for my age. Several people online think I’m giving up on my toe too soon or panicking.

Others tell me I’m brave. I don’t think either one is true or relevant. When I look at it objectively, I think I should move quickly, put this toe issue behind me, and move forward.

Maria agrees and thinks this makes sense; she supports the amputation. We both would have preferred to keep the toe if possible.

That’s where things are. I’m meeting with Dr. Daly next week, she asked me to think about it for two weeks, and then we’ll decide at our next meeting. That will be two weeks.

Thanks for all the kind words.

The trolls and crazies have not bothered me beyond accusing me of being lazy, phony, corrupt, and lying ass, as one put it. They seem stymied.  I’ve heard from lots of healthy and active people who have lost toes and other digits to one thing or another. It is more common than I might have thought.

I’ve heard many people telling me amputation stories I don’t need to hear that are irrelevant to me. I do not need to contact people with amputated digits. . And I’ve heard from many good people just wishing me luck.

I see this as life, not a crisis. As a choice, not a drama. I never imagined giving up any of my body parts, but I also noticed this is an outpatient procedure that will take minutes, not hours, and bring me home before dinner.

I would need to wear a surgical boot for three weeks, and I like David’s idea of a new surgical brace re-structured and re-imagined to support the whole foot. I’ll talk about this with Dr. Daly.

I like that idea. And I like the idea of going to doctors less and walking more. So that’s where I stand. Stay tuned if you care. Skip it if you don’t. Lots of people have problems a lot worse than this.