Like almost everyone in our society except the very wealthy, Maria and I are working hard to figure out money – what we spend, what we owe, and what we wish and need to do for the future. The media is full of its usual hysteria and gloom, but many people really are hurting.

I’ve had anxiety about money all my life, and there is a good reason for it. I never really learned how to handle money. And then, I had enough so that I didn’t have to worry about it.

I was very well off between my books and the movie made about me, but that changed when I gave all of my money away to a low-income family up the road just before the economy crashed.  (I had a long come-to- Jesus period.) I thought I was being Christic. I was (and am) mentally ill. But I am better.

These days, I want to manage my money well.

Maria and I both suffered from generalized anxiety, which sometimes leads to severe panic attacks.

Right now, as many people do, we have some essential money decisions to make, and while we rarely argue openly or angrily, we have very different views of what we want to do or buy. I am older than Maria, and I play the odds – she is likely to outlive me, and when I die, I want her to be as secure as possible.

She doesn’t care about security down the road; she is allergic to buying anything new or increasing debt.

Ten years ago, we filed for bankruptcy during the Great Recession. Last week, I learned that my credit was “very good” for the first time since the bankruptcy. Congress and Wall Street have made sure bankruptcy stings. They don’t care why it happened.

Now, I’m getting swamped with loans and rising credit offers. Some are pretty good. We think we have some options. Maria lives in the now; I sometimes meander off into the future – that’s anxiety.

But we’re not in the same place about money. We are, in many ways, very different people who grew up in very different ways. I tend to buy the things I want if I can. She doesn’t really want or need anything but books and consignment store clothes every other year.

We had differences about planning for the future, as well as just living in the now, and we were butting heads and getting nowhere. I happen to believe disagreements are often healthy, at least for me. They force us to think of others.

I grew up in a culture that believed men needed to provide for their loved ones. Maria is a Willa Cather woman; she’d be happy to pitch a tent, live out in the woods and eat berries and nuts. She doesn’t need things as I sometimes do.

This could be big trouble in a marriage – it often is – but the strange thing about us is that these different views of money have brought us closer together. Speaking only for myself, I have learned a lot in my marriage – because I treasure it so dearly – about listening and bending and compromising.

Every real relationship has disagreements. Grace and love are built around how these differences are handled. I joke that fights are like flushing a toilet – they are cleansing, if not too loud or overdone,  often necessary to keep a relationship healthy.

We have to dispose of the bad stuff.

Maria has been a lifesaver in helping me come to terms with my money anxiety, money, and other things.

With her help and the help of an excellent therapist,  I am breaking through it.

The panic attacks are gone, and while I trust her more than any human being in my life, my money anxiety was so intense that I balked at believing her when she said we were OK and I was doing well managing our money and had nothing to fear.

I expect disaster to strike anytime; as a long-time bedwetter, mornings are fraught, and I usually wake up terrified of something.  This was a gift from my mother; this is what I saw. Until recently, it was often about money.

Maria has been breaking through my wall. I am again in awe of her strength, wisdom, and common sense.

She is often right, and I was not seeing the financial staff clearly; I was shrouded in fear and confusion. Together, we are working on our finances, and I am open and honest, and so is she. If anything, our relationship has deepened, and our love is even more vital. This surprises me and makes me very happy.

She reminds me often that my fears come from old places, not the now. I remind her of the same thing. We are both listening.

I think I fell into the man trap of assuming that my artist and once fearful wife didn’t know as much about the outside world as I did.

I’m over that.

We are in this together and will stand or fall together. And we are standing together.

Things have changed for me, I have no big book contracts or royalties, and the Pandemic and inflation have sharply reduced many of the donations I received for my blog and the Army Of Good. It isn’t a lack of support or will; it’s a lack of money for people to send. We have never been a wealthy group.

We are finding other ways to get help on our Army Of Good projects. And the donations will return when they return. I can’t control it. Times change, people change with them and often go back and forth. We’re doing well. I’m getting the Mansion everything the residents need and everything Sue Silverstein and her art geniuses asks for.

I am learning I am a pretty good money manager and have already reduced our expenses by hundreds of dollars – with Maria’s consult and blessing. We are not in danger, quite the opposite, and I enjoy dealing with money without panic cutting in.

Panic is never a good thing when decisions have to be made. I am so grateful to Maria for helping me get through it.

But there are still these differences to deal with. We need to listen to, and trust one another. Trust doesn’t just appear; it has to be built and maintained with discipline and empathy. It requires work and awareness.

I hid things from Maria because I didn’t want to frighten her. This is not well-meaning; it’s sexist, self-destructive, and condescending.

Maria is tough and intelligent. She isn’t made of crystal. She can handle life, as she proves every day. Her happiness is not just about me, of course. She loves her art, her friends, her animals, and her life. She can take care of herself when the time comes.

I know that, and I respect that. She will never be dependent on me for her life.

She can help us care for ourselves right now, perhaps more than I imagined.

Trust is hard work.

We needed to get to a better place and deepen our trust in one another, so I turned back to my negotiating at CBS News and then my role as an overseer at a New Jersey Quaker Meeting who mediated disputes within the meeting.

I learned that negotiating conflict or stalemate requires listening, patience, and time, understanding what each party wants, and striving to get it for them if possible.

Everyone has to care for the other for a personal negotiation to work.

This was my proposal:

I suggested to Maria that we sit down and agree that we would state what we most wanted to happen, one at a time, with silence in between. Each person had to offer a proposal to give the other what was most wanted.

When that was stated and understood, the goal would change. Each side would provide a recommendation for coming together in the middle.

Each of us would get as much as we wanted as the other could agree to, and hopefully, we would come to the middle. If we didn’t, we’d have to do it repeatedly until we reached a compromise.

This is precisely what our divided Congress seems no longer willing or able to do. I felt as Maria did, that this was important to work out in an atmosphere of listening, empathy and respect. Nothing was non-negotiable; if we got heated or talked over each other, we just stopped and waited until we had settled.

The idea worked, and we both felt and heard and realized we needed to trust one another, and we had no real reason other than anxiety not to trust one another. We each came to understand what the fears and feelings of the other were, and we were very close to the compromise we needed to find. Neither of us felt defeated or ignored; we are each getting something, if not all, of what we want.

We talked every few days, let things sink in, then spoke again.

We were both in a glow this weekend. We love one another more than ever; I can see and feel it, and so can she.

We realized our deep and robust relationship had become even more substantial. We want one another to be happy, not persuaded. We might argue, but the argument is not the point – empathy is the point, putting oneself in the shoes of another. I believe love always needs a foundation to build on. That is trust.

I realized that I needed to trust her and let her help me, and I understood her fears, acknowledged them, and agreed to build them into our decision. She did the same for me; she said it meant the world to her that I was hearing her and trusting her, and listening to her.

My decision to fully trust Maria and love her was critical and necessary, even after 12 years of marriage. I never take it for granted. I don’t believe in unconditional love. Love for people and dogs must be earned, not assumed.

This was one of the most challenging moments of our marriage because everything in my psyche and experience told me to trust no one but myself. As often as I’ve written about fear, I never fully realized until recently just how much anxiety I have and how much pressure lives within me still.

By listening, I still have my ideas, but I also see that she is often correct and has better instincts than I do. This is transformative. We need one another, and the need for boundaries also builds on love. We have to solve our problems; they can’t be transferred to other people, even loved ones.

But support and trust, and encouragement matter, given a chance.

I took a deep breath and took the plunge. She was right. There was nothing to panic about, just life; I had to trust her repeatedly until this was internalized, and trust and listening and caring bound us further together.

Ultimately, my anxiety is my responsibility, not hers. True love calls for boundaries as well as affection.

But for me, trust is the foundation. Trust is the bonding. Trust is love.

Fortunately, we have a strong foundation of love and trust to build on. But it’s no accident. We work at it.

We both feel great about where we are and how the other dealt with us and helped us to come together.

This week, we will agree on our compromise, and look with compassion and hope into the future,  however long it lasts.