My spiritual angel is Thomas Merton, the current champion of self-awareness. It used to be called Contemplation. In his writings, he called it Meditation. It caught on in the 1950s and 1960s. Before all that, people called it prayer.

(Photo: I call it my Idea Factory)

Merton didn’t mess around when it came to spirituality. He said enlightenment, strength, and meaning come with a brutally honest look inside of ourselves if we are to find grace and understand the fear and discover our ideas about God and spirituality. He was right about the situation, which I always thought of as a woo-wood fad until I broke down and was in danger of ruining my life.

To understand the meditative and complicated mind, say the deep spiritual thinkers, we need to find The True Self or our true selves. Spirituality, it turns out, is healing.

I’ve used Meditation to do what Merton and the prophets said – go inside, find the source of my fear, and bring it out into the light. It works. I might never get rid of it, but I can find strength and grounding – and yes, even fearlessness at times – that has eluded me all my life, drowned out and shrouded in fear and panic.

I’m getting on top of it. This week, to my surprise, I found myself upset, and then at night, almost panicky about the disaster that the New Republican House of Representatives is doing to be. Since Donald Trump walked down that staircase, we have been engulfed in endless anger, rage, lies, and dishonor. Lying is no longer anything to be disapproved of but is a reliable fund-raising tool, a step to fame and power.

We thought it was better, and it is. But it isn’t gone.

I woke up thinking about this as the Greatest Show On Earth ended in drama and rage, and a new speaker was chosen. It went on for too long, and for me, it was too sad and painful to watch. I bled a bit for my country. The New Speaker’s first words to a troubled nation were to thank Donald Trump for supporting him. Here we go.

Could any leader be any smaller or less inspiring? Trump will eat him for lunch because that is what he does to those who bow to him in weakness. Every single one. There are no end of them hollow people. Our new leader reeks of weakness. Ambition can make you blind.

I went out of bed and downstairs to meditate.

Why I wondered, in the beautiful silence, was I afraid of this? I know it will fail repeatedly, and I have little doubt it will fail again. For years, just as the monks suggested, I went deeply into myself and took some close and rugged looks. You can’t lie to yourself that way.

I reminded myself again that this fear had nothing to do with Republicans, vengeance, special committees, or hateful people posing as leaders.

It had nothing to do with me. I’ve learned that the fear inside of me is organic. It comes from the deepest and oldest places. One night it is money; one night, its politics; one night, its death and sickness. Sometimes it’s worrying about Maria when I die. That is a field of sorrows.

Call the meditation/contemplation/prayer what you will; it works for me. I saw that the fear was organic, facile, and mobile. The fear rarely comes from what my mind is obsessed with. It comes from a much older and deeper place before language, words, and memory.

I bat it away now.

Thanks, I’m not interested in what you are selling today. Stay or go away; I don’t care. I see you, and in so doing, I see me.

I am strong now and getting stronger all the time, and I am determined to do what Merton and St. Augustine and St. Therese and Thich Nhat Hanh said I should do. I meditated and recognized that panic is rarely accurate; fear is both expected and manageable.

When I feel panic, I know now that it’s a lie. It has lost almost all of its credibility with me. I know now that it’s the fear of moving from one place to another. If I don’t accept the first panic, there will be a second. It keeps looking until it hits gold. All this time, I thought of myself as mentally ill. Now I think of myself as mentally healthy.

Today, I almost panicked when my credit card was closed because of a suspicious purchase from someone in the Philippines. I decided not to. When my Internet gave out, I panicked. When my jaw hurt, I panicked. It is just an old feeling, and I see it clearly now. I feel it weakening inside of me.

Pain is inevitable, and suffering is a choice. I say no now; no thank you, I’m not interested anymore; I don’t want it or need it anymore. And it goes away, abashed and disappointed, and looks for another shot.

The fear of death is one of the greatest fears people have, writes Thich Nhat Hanh. If you breathe mindfully and slowly, in and out, deep and slow, while acknowledging your fears, you can look deeply into the nature and roots of your anxiety. I remember the five remembrances:

1. I am of the heart to grow old. I cannot escape growing old.
2. I am of the nature to have ill health. I cannot run produced old.
3. I am of the nature to die. I cannot escape death.
4. All that is dear to me, and everyone I love, are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.
5. I inherit the results of my body, speech, and mind. My actions are my continuation.

And just as light ends darkness, the fear goes away. Truth heals.

I go inside often now. It works.