Thomas Merton writes that people who are not at peace with themselves inevitably project their inward anger and argument into the society of those who live with them.

He writes that they can’t communicate with God if they can’t communicate with other people.

As our election approaches, this is where we are. People who are broken within are projecting their anger and hatred into society. I can’t stop it and won’t be defined by it.

As a result of this anger, the rest of us have no choice but to withdraw into ourselves and accept new realities that are beyond our control. It is a myth that we choose our government; the new truth is that our government chooses itself. People like me have nothing much to do with it.

And the people who have different ideas have nothing but contempt for mine. In the most curious of ways, yesterday’s victims are the new elite.

My challenge is not to argue back but to be content with the goodwill and good work that are the quiet expressions of my spiritual and interior life.

In the past decade or so, I’ve left the ordinary and set out into a new and different world.

I’ve left so much of my life behind – my family, my house, my books, my marriage, my way of life. I do not pity myself, but it was one sacrifice after another.

I am learning that this process never ends. I am learning this week – this election week – that it’s time for me to leave even more of my life behind, to live in the now and accept the future.

A panic attack last week helped me to see this new truth. I need to stop watching the news.

I need to stop living in the shadow of the past. Just as what I was is no more, what I valued is no more.

I’ve changed so much about my life, but the process is never over. I need to change more.  The work I did as a journalist no longer exists or has meaning to people. The country I have always loved has grown greedy, angry, and cruel.

This is not compatible with the spiritual life I want to live. Or with the good life, I am living. I chose to stand with my Community Of Love rather than argue with or surrender to the new nation of hate.

I wrote this weekend about the awful panic attack I had a week ago Sunday. It was painful but also puzzling, as I have not had a panic attack in a while, certainly not one as severe as this one.

I talked to a therapist about it, and Maria and I talked about it, thought about it, meditated about it, and contemplated it, as I have learned to do when my anxiety kicks up. Oddly, I’ve almost never been more content or less anxious.

Everyone I trusted told me it wasn’t about money, so what was it about? I am a former journalist and political writer and have always followed the news.  The grandson of immigrants, I have always clung to the idea of America as a place of refuge and generosity.

In the ’80s and ’90s, print and TV/Cable/Streaming information were taken over by corporations, millionaires,  Wall Street entrepreneurs, and billionaires who realized there was a political power in media, but more important to them, a lot of money to be made by focusing on the argument, division, and violence.

Politics is inevitable – suffering with it is a choice. Reading hate and rage stories does no good.

I can’t see the benefit of paying attention to Elon Musk’s big ego trip with Twitter. If he is the future, I do not need to pay attention. I’ve already canceled my Twitter account.  I can’t say I see the benefit of paying to attention to politics now; there is nothing for me there but panic, sadness, frustration, and hate mail. My choice is to let go it if.

I’m not a sociologist, but I do see that many Americans have proven corporations right in their predictions. They are smarter than I am. Arguments hatred, bigotry,  violence, and conspiracy are profitable and generate political power, as all media, left and right, have discovered.

Our country is increasingly reflecting the divisions, distortions, and lies they see on their news, which are beaming to them 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

When I was a journalist, the media was hardly saintly or pitch-perfect, but there was the idea in many of us that we should be fair and accurate or at least try hard. I know I did try hard, and so did most of the people I worked with. Nobody is even pretending to do that any longer.

It’s time to leave much of my life behind me, look to something new, and move forward. And there will be unique and different things. In my own life, I have learned that good people – red and blue – yearn for a kindler and gentler country. People who know how to communicate and govern very differently will emerge.

Until then, our country and politics will be broken. I can’t do anything about it.

What we used to call journalism but is now called media has changed far beyond my own experience or my comfort level.  It has angered and frightened me. I watched the news closely in advance of this week’s election and noticed that my anxiety had been increasing, perhaps even to the extent of panic. They are no longer selling truth but hatred and fear, and division.

To watch it is to enable it. Perspective is gone.

The most simple form of protest is to look away. And what will I miss? They no longer screen for truth or project the future. As an entity, they are wrong every single time. They are best at frightening and angering people. I’m not going to be one of them.

It’s time for a radical change.

This week, I tried an experiment on myself, something I don’t recall ever doing. I decided not to watch the news at all, not on my phone, print, or radio. Blessedly, we don’t own a TV.

From Saturday to now, no news. Have I missed anything? I doubt it. Was my rising anxiety level gone? Yes. Day by day, I noticed I was calmer, more creative; I slept better and felt better.

I glanced at the headlines this morning. My stomach turned. No more. We can’t even protect children from being slaughtered in their classrooms, how are we suppose to legislate in a troubled world?

I know what I need to know about the elections tomorrow. It has all been polled and predicted and shrieked about.

I understand that the Republicans will seize control of the House Of Representatives.

I know they promise to be extreme and punitive, blink at racism, sexism, and insurrection, and promise dangerous and hateful vendettas. They will have no more luck controlling the world than Joe Biden has, and it’s their turn to be hated and turned on. Good luck to them; they will need it.

We know that story. Why would a rationale political party want to be held responsible for the country now?

I don’t know if the Republicans will take the Senate; my gut says no. I understand that Donald Trump will run for President, but I don’t believe he will win re-election even if he does get the nomination. If they win Congress, the heat is on. Let’s see what else they can do besides intimidate voters and politicize elections.

If Joe Biden could beat Trump in 2020, the guy I hire to replace slate on our roof could beat him in 2024. Trump has more baggage than Penn Station in New York.

He has a lot of court dates ahead of him. That’s all I need to know.

Americans are about nothing more than money, and we are ready for more years of conflict and stagnation until inflation goes down, which it inevitably will.

They sometimes fuss about democracy, but mostly, they have been silent, even enthusiastic,  as it is chipped away. Treason is the new patriotism.

Benjamin Franklin said Americans would have a great form of government if they could keep it. He didn’t know that inflation would be much more important.

Like the country itself, our government is polarized, and that won’t change, at least for a couple of years, probably not in my lifetime, if at all.

Those fickle suburban voters jump back and forth in every election. Sometimes it’s crime, sometimes inflation, sometimes abortion. They belong to no one. They don’t take stands; they care mostly about what is good for them this year. Outrage lasts a few weeks. Remember the abortion revolution?

Sadly, this is not new. It’s getting to be the norm. Nobody can win in a divided country; we keep switching back and forth from one side to the other.

I accept that there is nothing I can add to it or do about it for now or perhaps forever. I’m withdrawing into my own life, the good I can do, and my writing and creativity. That is my politics, as it has been since 2016.

The country and its future belong to the young, not to me. I need to do what I can and leave the rest to others. The choice is no longer really between Democrats or Republicans. There is no more journalism for me to follow.

The option is about hating or not. I’m not going there.

I am detaching from politics and the money-grubbing corporations and Investment Funds that now own and dominate so much of our information network. I’m not a good enough hater. People are always writing to complain that I hate Trump. I don’t hate him or anyone; I don’t like or agree with him.

I’m sorry the difference no longer seems to matter.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life frustrated, angry, and arguing. Politics has less and less to do with me or with my life. My spiritual life is taking me in a different direction.

I mean withdrawing from crises, policies, and political violence beyond my control.

I want to be content with the good deeds, goodwill, and good work expressions of my authentic and genuine inner life. I’ve withdrawn from hatred and argument and am instead watching my life and our lives here without watching ourselves live from a distance.

It has always seemed cowardly to turn away from my country’s problems, but it takes great courage and determination to live your own life and do the good you can do.

I want to work hard without expecting any tangible or immediate reward.

(When I posted this message this morning, one of the first people to respond was a person named Helen Osborne, who wrote this on my blog: “The more good, right-thinking people opt out, the easier it will be for evil to take over. This decision might be right for you, but it’s selfish. I’m personally going to keep fighting to the end.”

I appreciate Helen’s position and wish her luck. My idea is to fight on in my own way, which may not be her way.   Her message had a kind of 60’s feeling to it; we will march and protest our way to justice.

But this world is different. We face shamelessness and immorality. Nothing but money and power seems to move this movement, and it has embraced the most ruthless traits of men – domination at all costs by any means.

They seem not to care a bit about what we think or want. Instead, they embrace ridicule, contempt, and even hatred for those who disagree.

I reject the idea that I am selfish.

Christ asked his followers to tend to the needy and vulnerable, and I do that almost daily.  St. Therese said she followed a call to do the little acts of good that make such a difference in life.

She practiced the Little Way of kindness and love. That’s my way of fighting back rather than hating and arguing. I wish Helen all the good luck. We each need to make our own choices.)

It was a great shock to me to grasp just how far journalism has fallen and how much it has upset me; there is little in it for me.

I don’t see thoughtful, fair-mind, or even-handed people bringing me the news.

I have suffered from mental illness. I have learned how to protect myself. I have to do what makes me feel safe so that I can do what makes me feel good.

Sooner or later, every journalist today has to become a partisan to survive.

What I knew was gone, and it was time to say goodbye. There isn’t anything in it for me, and I am beginning to see it was making me frightened, angry, and spiritually sick.

I’ve deleted hateful, angry, or offensive messages. for the past couple of months. Arguing with people is just another poison, for me, for them.

I am happier, healthier, and better for it.

Now it’s time to delete the media I worked in and loved. I can’t mourn it because what I knew is gone.

It’s also time to accept that the politics I loved and wrote about are also gone.

I won’t be around to see the end of this painful struggle in an increasingly divided effort.

And I don’t wish to be consumed by it in my remaining time. I love my wife, life, blog, pictures, and animals. My focus now is my work with refugees and the elderly, rebirth, and salvation. I won’t let anything make me that crazy again.

And I will predict my panic will disappear along with the rest of it. Truth heals.