Maria and I save Sunday mornings just for us. She gets up early, and when she has checked on the animals, she comes back to bed. We hold each other and lie in bed for a while. This is precious time for both of us.
It is eerily warm and wonderful for early November, so I put a bathrobe on (with the leaves off the trees and the flowers done, I don’t rush out naked anymore this year), and I went outside to find her. I knew she’d be out in the pasture, talking to the sheep, doing the Willa Cather stuff she loves.
She is pleased here on the farm, doing her art, loving her animals, and even loving me. I love seeing it; it is a good life for us.
We made some tea, sat, and sipped on the back porch; a soft and beautiful breeze rustled the trees and sent some leaves whipping around.
Above us, formations of geese struggled valiantly against a mighty wind higher up as they tried to make their way South. I wonder what they make of the warm weather. Then we went back to bed.
At one point, she turned to me, tears in her eyes and said, “we’ve made a good life together here,” I asked her why she was crying. No reason, she said; it was because she was happy.
But I think I know better.
We know each other too well.
I know what those tears are about.
Love can be frightening.
It was sad not to have had love in my life for so long and sometimes painful to have so much of it. Love can be challenging either way, but I would not have given up a day of these past 12 years for anything in this world.
What Maria didn’t say, but what we both think from time to time, is that we made a good life together and cherish it every day.
But we both know it will end one day, like everything ends, most likely in a few years, if you believe in the odds. Sometimes, it just bubbles up. We are all too human.
Big men with diabetes and heart disease are usually the first to go.
I don’t spend my life around politics; I spend as much as possible around life.
We are not morbid people, just two deeply in love who don’t want their good life to end.
We worked hard for it and work hard still; we built our good lives together. Our love grows more profound by the day.
When I think of either of us being here alone, it sinks into my soul, so I move on. I hate to think of her here independently, although I know she’ll be fine. She hates to think of me here alone; I’m not sure how I would be.
No need to go there, but we also believe in living in reality and truth. We’ve had hard lives, and we have worked our way to good lives. It can be done.
We both were sad when we got up, but that was already fading away. You can’t stay down for long when you are living the life you love.
For me, grace comes from accepting the reality of my life, not running or hiding from it.
I gave thanks for what our love has given me. We lay in bed together, and the eerily soft wind lifted the curtains in the window and rattled the old wooden door. Holding Maria, it felt like I imagined heaven could feel.
Then, we went downstairs to eat, do some chores, blog, visit a friend, and go to the farmer’s market. We returned to the now, the happy now, and plunged back into our lives. I reminded myself to be grateful for what I have, not for what I have lost or what either of us might lose.
That is the beauty of the now. It permits us to be as happy as we wish to be and can be.
We Had a good life together.
I love this article and it made me cry call the best to you both enjoy Diane
Yes, none of us get out of here alive..but I admire the life you two have made for yourselves. I wish I had had more time with my love, thirty years was not enough. But, I persist.
Sharing your and Maria’s lives is heartwarming. It reminds me somewhat of my guy and me. We’re back in each other’s lives for the last 9 years (living together 6 yrs). We were together 49 years ago for a short time. We’re now on 2acres we built a chicken coop and are renovating our small home ourselves. We’re deeply in love and grateful for each day. The best to you and Maria.
I love this!!!
Thank you for sharing all of these private moments. You help me and others grab onto our own personal present time moments so as to cherish them as you and Maria do.
Bravo to life’s holy and ordinary miracles.
Jon, this is the greatest post you have written.
I am my wife’s fourth husband. She is my third wife.
We both have long, complicated stories, which are a part of our history. We enjoy a loving, supportive relationship. We feel blessed. I try not to think about the future. As Eckhardt Tolle says, we only have the now.
Thank you Jon.
I deeply relate to this. My love is 20 yrs older than me, with lots of health issues including diabetes & heart disease. It is fair to expect that he will go first, and I will have much of life left to live alone. We too try not to let the prospective future taint our wonderful present time together, but just to love deeply and enjoy each day we have to the fullest.
this is one of the most moving pieces you have written, Jon. Just hit me in the gut and the heart. I hear you. What a gift that you are able to put it into words and share………. similar thoughts here of late also…….. so I welcomed this.
Susan M
We, too, had a wonderful life together for 18 years. Love indeed is frightening, and loss is fierce. I’m crying as I read this.
Sometimes we cry not from the sadness of things or the bittersweet. Sometimes from the precious delicateness of life. From hearing “the heartbeat of a squirrel or the grass grow.” Sometimes from a child’s trusting eyes, from some music a lyric or note, when I first saw a Caravaggio painting or the light thru a church window, many nonsad things.
It underlines life’s richness.
What is sad is some people aren’t aware of it.
Resonated so. Beautifully put.
The tears just came as I read this wonderful post. The final realm of the bittersweet…
Thank you for expressing your most inner feelings about love and your gratitude for this beautiful gift. I love reading all the wonderful comments. Your words truly generated some deep feelings from your readers…..it is so helpful to read the thoughts of others.
Thanks Cynthia, I appreciate the good words…
This is one of the most beautiful posts you’ve written…at least since I’ve been following you. I am very blessed to have found my soul-mate after 13 years in a first, abusive marriage. We celebrated 35 years in June and talk about how blessed we are every single day. I’m hoping for many more years to share each other’s lives/time/support as he prepares to retire in just over a year. I’m ten years his senior, so have been waiting for this for awhile. 🙂
I am so tearfully touched by this thoughtful writing from you Jon, and the commenters.
At 87 yrs, I live alone and now have recent cancer worries. I have precious and awful memories.. Years ago, when I was widowed and burdened with very difficult family responsibilities, I almost gave up my life; believing I couldn’t handle part of the awful. Friends became aware, pulled me up, supported me, and I managed to get through that awful. Many friends have died, I’ve moved and now live close to my family, who are my supporters now. I have learned to live in the NOW and find many joyful moments.
Here’s to good NOWS for all of us.
JoyDawn