“Finally, I am concluding that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself.”
― Thomas Merton

I never take Thomas Merton for granted. He speaks my mind so often and well that I sometimes think he spends some time in my head.

I am also concluding that the thing I love the most about my life is who I already am – flawed, cracked in some ways, even broken. I can’t do better until I accept who I am.

And I will keep working to be better.

And I don’t wish to be anyone else. There it is. There will be no end to that.

This morning, I declared a day of peace for myself. I’m not talking about war,  an internal piece inside of me.

I have been working very hard every day for weeks and weeks. I’m head tiredly. I started working on my day of peace last night.

 

No news, no cell phone, no e-mail, no texts, no writing, no blogging, no anger, no fear. I loved going out with Maria when she checked on her sheep and talked to them.

This morning, I meditated to start my peaceful day. Zinnia is always at my feet when I meditate; Bud has joined the meditation this week.

My Mansion work is beautiful to me; I love mentoring Killian and watching him come to realize his value; I love working with the teachers at Bishop Gibbons. I love being on the farm. I love helping dog people with problems; I love being with Maria.

That’s a lot of love for one; I am mindful of being grateful for it.

Last night, he told me his scoutmaster was shocked that Jon Katz was mentoring him, “he is a legendary writer,” he said. “He’s your mentor?”

Killian asked me what I thought legendary meant; I said it mostly means being older with one’s glory days in the past. You have to be old to be a legend, I said.

I told Killian not to be nervous, and I was pretty unimpressive in the flesh. And he still had to type up his horror story. You don’t want to mess with a legend, I said.

He told me how much he loved being in the Boy Scouts and how much the program had taught him about citizenship and responsibility. I was impressed; another good thing for him to write about. It’s not a horror story, but it is a lovely story.

Bud is new to meditation; he was always too jumpy. Now, he jumps up on the footstool in front of e and sits quietly. Sometimes I scratch his back, which he loves; sometimes, he sits quietly and waits for me to move.

It feels like he and Zinnia are in the spirit of it. They are reticent and still. I’ve always believed that one of the dogs’ excellent survival skills fits into the lives of their humans. It’s worked for Bud.

I can’t walk with Zinnia today; I must stay off my feet (mostly.)

After meditating, I walked outside to take some photos and visited with Flo, asleep on a wicker chair on soft towels Maria put out for her.

Some days I need to take care of myself. I need some quiet and silence, I’m in a broody and reflective mood, and the day is cool, windy, and beautiful.

Maria urged me to rest, be still and shut out the outside world. Getting the Dog Support figured out was exhilarating but draining.

Good advice. I have no Dog Support scheduled for today, I thought I was going to Bishop Gibbons, but we had to move that visit to next week.

I always walk out to the pasture to give the donkeys their alfalfa chews and walk out into the field. I can’t walk too far or long with one leg in a surgical foot.

Ischacar and the other sheep know how to relax. I often wish I had a cud to chew; it seems to be the best kind of meditation.

I want to fight the peace inside of me and push aside the fear and worry.

Volunteering at the Mansion and Hospice has taught me to try and do good for its own sake and to attach no strings. It might work, or it might not. I don’t expect to thank you’s or praise.

For good, it must be done for its own sake, with no expectations, no huffing about gratitude. I consider myself selfish when doing good. I do it for me and because it makes me feel good.

This afternoon, I’m going to walk, soak up some precious silence, and sit with the animals. I might drive Maria into town when she ships more of her yarn.

No news, no devices, just blogging and taking some photos. Today I’m taking care of myself. Thanks for coming along.

“Do not depend on the hope of results. You may have to face that your work will be worthless and even achieve no result, if not perhaps results opposite to what you expect. As you get used to this idea, you start more and more to concentrate not on the results but on the value, the rightness, and the truth of the work itself. You gradually struggle less and less for an idea and more and more for specific people. In the end, the reality of the personal relationship saves everything.”
― Thomas Merton