Repent has always been a severe idea to me, as in “repent from your sins or burn.”

But I’ve also learned it has different meanings in different faiths and in my own life.

Repenting can mean softer things, at least to me, and I have been repenting for years. Quakers believe in beginning life anew, but they leave out the punishment if you don’t. The Jewish Faith I grew up with is not big on forgiveness.

The Buddhists have a completely different understanding of the term, and it happens to coincide with my own beliefs.

The Buddhist Scholar  Thich Nhat Hanh  writes in his excellent book “Fear: Essential Wisdom For Getting Through The Storm,” repent means the same thing it means to me: to begin anew.”

“We admit our transgressions,” he writes, “and we bathe ourselves in the clear waters of the spiritual teaching to love our neighbors as ourselves. We commit to letting go of our resentment, hatred, and pride. We start over with a fresh mind, a new heart, determined to do better.”

That’s what I set out to do after breaking down a decade ago.

Hanh is not the first to see repentance in this way.

After being baptized by John,  Jesus taught the same thing.

It is, of course, easier said than done, as is anything genuinely spiritual, real repentance also means change, which takes concentration, dedication, honesty, and hard work.

The challenge is to transform despair, violence, anger, and fear and use them to be better. Fear can become love, anger energy, and strength.

I suspect that is easier done in a monastery than in America in 2022.

Such a transformation takes a long time and a lot of quiet and private space.

I’ve been working on this for over a decade, and I have made progress. I’m not yet finished.

To me, repentance doesn’t mean remorse; it just means truth and acknowledgment.

Facing the truth about myself is not the same as begging for forgiveness. It just means what it says; to me, it opened the door to fundamental transformation.

Because once I knew who I was and learned to love who I was – not apologize or be shamed – then change became possible and inevitable. This kind of repentance is a process, and I am in it. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to, and I don’t.

If we can move away from despair, anger, and fear, says Hanh, “the vast blue sky will reveal itself to us and to those around us. Everything we are looking for can be found in the present moment, including the Pure Land, the kingdom of God, and our Buddha nature.”

I am not a Buddhist or Christian, but I love the idea of the Pure Land. Sometimes, I feel it here on the farm.

Sometimes, sitting in meditation, communing with the donkeys, walking the dogs, taking beautiful photographs, loving Maria, and speaking with her, I feel I am touching the Kingdom Of God, whoever and whatever that is.

No one, no person or faith, owns the idea of God; we can all touch that idea and bring it into our lives by ourselves.

To me, God is my inner strength and confidence in my heart, body, and soul. I can get to that kingdom right here in my home with my eyes, feet, arms, and mind.  I don’t need any other thing. And I wake up afraid every single morning.

I am working hard to be mindful, and when I am aware and concentrated, my mind and body become one thing; I can feel it happening, and I am right at the door of my own Kingdom of Heaven.

Nothing can hurt, shame me, or make me feel poorly about myself. And then, I go out to face the real world, every day.

The challenge is not to turn away from sin but to turn towards life and the ability to experience empathy, courage, and compassion for myself and others. This is what being mindful is to me.

When I am mindful, I am free.

There are no rules, dogma, or cant for entering this world. This holy and personal kingdom, this feeling in my heart, has helped me shed fear, despair, anger, and yearning. Even I have enough intelligence and courage to help the blue sky repeatedly reveal itself.

No wonder I started noticing and loving clouds; they are the gatekeepers of the beautiful blue sky. I am learning to make good use of every minute and every hour of my daily life.

Despair, fear, and anger are a part of me. I’ll never be done with them, but I can push them back into the shadows and out of the way of my repenting and beginning my life anew.

I have succeeded at doing that to some degree, to my great amazement.

One day, when I finally learn how to look at another person with compassionate eyes, when I can smile at them with a spirit of understanding, then I will be free, helping this precious and mystical ki gdom to reveal itself.

That’s where I am in my spiritual life right now, and I suspect I will never fully get where I wish to go, but every day in pursuit of this vision gets me closer. Perhaps one day, I will have truly and fully repented.