As I came into the Mansion, I heard one of the aides tell a man on the porch that I was coming today. She said that he would stop coming if nobody went to the Men’s Group. Jon has a lot of things to do.
I came around the corner to where the aide and the male resident were standing, and I said, “thanks for worrying about me, but I want you to know that I will not quit the group; I will keep coming as long as one man shows up. But there’s no pressure; I don’t want anyone to come unless they want to..”
She smiled at me and thanked me.
Four men were waiting for me when I got to the meeting room. One was J, who was silent, as always, two had been to the other meetings, and one was trying it out. Another man came in and on the sofa and fell asleep.
Three from the previous group were at doctors’ appointments; two were still asleep.
The aides were good enough to bring us snacks again, and the men present said they were grateful that I came back; they thought the group was significant. They said more men would come when they got used to the idea.
We got right down to it.
I opened the meeting up to anything the men wanted to say.
One said he was hoping to have a girlfriend again one day. His wife had died some years ago; he had no family left and no car. “I like it here,” he said, “but I feel trapped. I don’t know how I can ever find a girlfriend again; I can’t go anywhere or meet anyone.”
We talked about loneliness, and I suggested he might use the Internet to find people to talk to. There are churches and other non-profit groups for older people to chat safely online in chat rooms and exchange messages. These interactions are said to ease loneliness and isolation.
I said I would find him some online options. He was shocked and very excited. He said he had never heard of those things before. I reminded him the new Mansion Activity Room will have four tablets they can use to get online.
It’s a start; you might be stuck here, but you don’t have to be alone.
Another man said he was doing well but missed his three sons terribly. He’d been in the Mansion a few years, and none of them had ever come to visit. I wanted to ask him why this happened but didn’t.
“And I don’t know why,” he said, bursting suddenly into tears and holding his head in his hands.” One of the other men put his arm around his shoulders and tried to comfort him. All he said was that his sons lived in different parts of the country; he imagined they couldn’t afford the trip.
He said every holiday was awful for him.
I told him I would set up a meeting with the social worker who works with the Mansion and see if it was possible to track down his sons and see what was happening.
A third man said he had a problem. His TV (courtesy of the Army Of Good) turned itself on and off. I brought him the TV and remembered a timer on it; it was a “smart” TV. As I left, I filled out a maintenance slip that required the maintenance person to stop by. I’m sure it can be easily fixed.
This was upsetting to the man; he was in a wheelchair and was in his bedroom alone at 6:30. He had sight problems and wasn’t a reader; without the TV, he had nothing to do but stare out the window, and it was making him crazy. The TV kept turning itself off.
I checked with the Mansion this morning, and the maintenance person, a tech-trained expert, was coming this afternoon.
The fourth man had minor shaving cuts on his face that I noticed and two or three days’ worth of stubble. He said he used old-fashioned razor blades and had been using his last dull blade (which I got for him in the late winter).
After I left the meeting, I went out and brought him some razor blades and a new razor at Walgreen’s.
There was cohesiveness in the group. They talked openly and honestly, and efficiently. They comforted one another and offered advice and assistance to each other. They seemed easier with one another than they did last week and more open. They all said they wanted to be there.
They all have problems of one kind; few people come to assisted care because they just want to. Some of the issues are physical and some emotional. It’s not a simple life in assisted care as people approach the edge of life.
I told the Mansion Director that this men’s group was a good idea. As long as anybody comes, I’ll stick with it. And I have no doubt more will come. These four are advocates for the idea; they will talk it up and share the help they got.
I’m not entirely sure what the focus of the group will be. I don’t want it to be just about things they need, but that is a vital part.
One of the men told of his losing his temper with a female resident during an argument and shouting at her. His male friend, his only friend, was upset by this and said he didn’t want to be his friend any longer.
He missed his friend and didn’t know what to do. What if we got an aide to sit down with the two of you and see if this can’t be worked out? I suggested.
First, I said, we had to talk about losing our temper and shouting at people. It’s frightening, I said, and living in close quarters, and dining with each other made shouting even more disturbing.
All of the men agreed. “Women are frightened of men, to begin with,” said one. “If you’re angry, take it to an aide or the office. Don’t yell at anybody.” Everyone agreed.
The man jumped at the idea. I was glad he told us about this; this was one of the things the group was meant to do.
We ate some bran snacks and cookies, meditated for four minutes, and agreed to meet next Tuesday again. I’ll be there.
The stories were important; hearing them meant a lot to me. I will work on being patient.
Trust is rarely given away; it has to be earned.
Reading this almost brings me to tears, Jon. I am relieved to hear that the men seem to be feeling more comfortable with this idea of a *group* where they can feel safe enough to express themselves and support each other. Baring and sharing their souls cannot be easy, but with your guidance and help……. I believe it will help them greatly and yes, the word will spread and likely bring in more men. Baby steps. It is a process……… one you know is important. My hat is off to you!
Susan M
Do you have a sense for when a man wants to talk about a problem vs wanting a solution? You’re a very solution oriented person, but it can be presumptuous to solve people’s problems for them. I’ve had to learn this with my adult children. My instinct, when they have an issue, is to jump in with a solution. I’ve learned to ask, “Is this something you’d like suggestions for? Or do you just want someone to listen?” Their answers sometimes surprise me.
I don’t have solutions to every problem, TW, I help when I can, but I’m not a social worker and don’t wish to present myself that way.
It is hard to be the ears at a “pity party”, which is the position I find myself in often here at JD, and be unable to help much. I am told that just listening helps. I would rather have the magic touch that you have, Jon. You seem to know just what to say and do and -just as important -what Not to say and do. Those men at the Mansion are fortunate to have you.
It can become a pity party if I’m not careful Cynthia..that’s not what I’m hoping for.
bless ur heart jon
This post made my heart so full. You are such a godsend to these men. My heart breaks for the man whose 3 sons have never visited him there, and for the man who lost his only friend there (temporarily, I hope). I wish I lived nearby.
Thank you sooo much for doing this Men’s Group, very important as this is such a difficult time of life for our elders and men in particular. In these groups, Jon, you are sharing what you have learned later in life, a concept that many men in our society are bared from learning. Feel you feelings, share your feelings, and listen to the feelings of others.
Love and Light to you,Jon may your good work continue
The focus of the group is making the participants feel they matter, that someone cares about them. They are bitterly lonely and you bring them warm kindness, just listening and responding lets them know they’re important.
Helping with their problems is a good vehicle to start discussing things. Re the yelling guy we have to continue to learn how to self regulate, and to consider the team.
Wonder if they might plan an event, go to a play, ballgame, dance and the excitement of dressing up and going out. Something to live for.
We got a new TV last December, and it comes on and off on its own. It’s hard to navigate as is much of new technology for many people over 50.
How is the world did so many senior American get abandoned? Is this the flip side of rugged individualism? One day you’re living at home, the best day you’re a prisoner; it’s incredible and heartless.
Btw is there a way for residents to go out on Saturday or Sunday to local senior activities, or just a coffee shop, meet a woman, date?
The AARP has a great program for seniors, I think one is in Nys, with just about every activity. Most have virtual alternatives. It’s called Senior Planet or Planet Senior . But most communities have a department of aging, a.p.s. whose people know about senior programs locally.
There are so many ways seniors are dismissed in our society it seems nursing homes should have daily checklists of what residents want and need
Marilyn Ernie brought ‘Love and Light ‘
with her thoughtful advice.
“Feel your feelings.
Share your feelings.
Listen to the feelings of others.”
What a blessing you are! I think it can be a little harder for men to share, but they see your light shining, you are a ray of hope. Your sharing will help them to share. As my dad aged, I would see the cuts on his face, which of course was a concern, so I, too felt bad for the man of which you spoke. You sprang right into action and got him razors! Bless you! As I am traveling down the aging gracefully road, sometimes those little things you want right away. I am not in God’s waiting room yet, but just try to stay healthy and safe until that time. We see your heart, Jon Katz, we are blessed by all you are doing, Maria too.
Bless you for all you do for these lonely people. As someone who is assisting my own parents, I see how easy it is for them to get left behind. They typically don’t understand the technology, I recently had to teach my Mom how to use her debit card at a store. These are people who have families in many cases, people they love, and most have worked most of their lives & contributed much to their communities. It’s unacceptable for them to be left alone, sad & frightened. Again, thank you for your selflessness, I know that it means more you them than you will ever know.
Such a heart wrenching dialogue. My heart goes out to older people. I have taken care of seniors for almost a third of my life. I am 72 and blessed. I get down on my knees every morning and thank God for my health.