I can’t reveal my sources, but I was given a detailed report- a recorded transcript from their last meeting- about the Jon Katz Fan Club members’ latest and somewhat sinister plans to get more treats. It’s more severe than I thought. Maybe they aren’t so cute after all. The battle is joined.

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Fate: Okay, I have a plan. Why don’t we gather in the kitchen at night and leap up on the counter – I have done that before – and with Zinnia’s help, we can nose open the drawer, and each get a mouthful of treats our miserly human keeps locked up in there.

Bud: I want to help; I love treats!

Fate: Sorry, Buddy, you’re too small; you couldn’t jump up to the second drawer.

Zinnia: I’m not sure I like this plan.

Fate: Why not?

Zinnia: Well, for one thing, Jon would be furious. Maria doesn’t get angry at animals; she’d get over it. We might get a kick in the butt.

Bud: So what? You’re built like a brick shithouse. A kick in the butt would be like a fly bite.

Fate: We border collies are trained to be obedient; we’re supposed to work with these people. But two treats a day when that draw is chock full of goodies? Come on! We have to use our heads. There are a lot of good treats in there; they have rights too! 

Zinnia (looking puzzled): I’m not sure. Jon has been sick lately, and I’ve been bred to stay close to my people when needed. And even if I’m not…I’m a therapy dog!

Fate: Don’t be a wussy dog!

Bud: I can use the two of you as a ladder and jump up. They won’t know which one of us to blame…

Fate: Yes, they will. They know Zinnia is too nice to think of this, and you are too small to do it. They’ll ask right away which dog is devious enough to do this… I’m willing to take the heat. He has a short fuse but doesn’t hold grudges. He’ll get over it. At least he’ll have a story to tell.

Zinnia and Bud Together: Nodding, mumbling, Yes, you have a point.

Zinnia: I have a better idea. Let’s meet in entirely different places each time. He’s used to us pleading from the kitchen; what if we got him outside, or better yet, as he’s coming out of Maria’s studio?

He’s always blabbing on about those things she’s making, and she consistently gives him a kiss when he leaves. He’s sort of on the moon around her sometimes; you know how people are…

Fate: I like it. Okay, same positions. I’ll be on the left; he loves to smile when he sees my blue eye. They think they are so much smarter than us, but three pairs of pleading eyes melt them like butter! Zinnia, you look guilty and reluctant?

Zinnia: I’ll stand in the center looking warm and piteous; that always gets him. I’m bred to help them.

Fate: So what? I’m bred to chase sheep all over creation in the cold and heat. And to be too smart for my own good.

Bud: And I’ll do my gratitude, wiggle my tail a bit, and look mournful. That kills him. They always cut me some slack for having been abused in Arkansas. Let’s do it. We are working dogs, all three, let’s get to work! This is more fun than killing snakes.

Fate: And remember. Tails wagging, eyes open, look cute. Pretend to be posing for a picture. That gets him every time.

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They were as good as their word. When I came out of Maria’s studio yesterday, all three were in position and staring at me with pleading dog eyes. I was thrown off, they’d never done that before. Bud was his cutest self, Fate was staring at me with her intense blue eye, and Zinnia looked hot and worn out.

I gave them some water and borrowed three biscuits from Maria to hand out. I did make them sit.