(Parents Be Warned, And Baptists Cover Your Eyes: The photo above is me, taken last night in the mountains just about our farm. The red light on my testicles is battery-powered, and I should say that all three of the dogs (even the loyal Zinnia) and Maria fled when it lit up. None of them have returned home yet.)

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Tucker Carlson and I don’t seem to have all that much in common, but he has won me over with his new campaign to breed “real men”  by turning me on to “testicle tanning” or “red-light” therapy, a/k/a “bromeotherapy” on his very popular evening TV show on Fox News.

I can’t be sure, but I think he came out last night on national TV. Lots of gay men seem to think so. This is important for many reasons. Carlson is what the media calls an “influencer,” he is the most popular commentator on the most popular cable news channel.

I want in. Yesterday,  I sent Tucker Carlson an e-mail inviting him to come up to Bedlam Farm; Maria could help us set up a bonfire in the pasture with the donkeys. We could tan our testicles together in the moonlight and then spank each other (I’m sorry, I was raised in New England and am a prude at heart. Tucker says “balls” all the time, I can’t bring myself to do it.)

But he is a strong man, and I am a notorious wussy man, just the kind who is weak and ruining our country for lack of testicle care. But about the spanking…

Tucker hasn’t answered my e-mail yet, I’m sure he’s busy answering his fan mail,  doing bromeotherapy, and testicle tanning, which does sound a bit dirty. Am I being a prude again?

I’m still waiting to hear from Tucker, my new fellow bromeo, but I did instead get an e-mail from a friend, a gay man I worked with at the Philadelphia Inquirer.

“Jon, my gay dating website Grindr is in meltdown,” he wrote, ” the word is that Tucker Carlson has just come out on Fox News and is tanning his balls every night. Grindr is going crazy. Some of my friends have been doing that for years.”

Sometimes I look at the news and think about moving to Costa Rica, but then I think more about it. I’d be bored there. America is the most exciting place on earth sometimes. Where else could this possibly happen?

But I don’t want to wander. My testicles need some support. I wouldn’t even dare to measure my testosterone level.

As Carlson himself announced on Fox News, he has a plan to create higher levels of testosterone in men by, as he put it,
“dousing our balls in red LED lights.” His special shows several buff and handsome men exposing themselves in the interests of their “balls,” as he so gracefully put it.

Many gay men have gone to jail in our country’s history for buying this stuff in Times Square stalls and dingy magazine stalls all over the country.

Times do change.

Carlson made history the other night. He left me speechless. I want to work on this real man stuff together, and here is my chance.

Real men, Tucker warns, are in grave danger from the steep decline in testosterone levels.

I shudder to be tested; I’d come out somewhere between an older woman and a sloth.

So I was thrilled to hear about this opportunity to be an actual tough male.  Just thinking about it makes me want to go out and shoot somebody. Thanks, Tucker, for keeping the idea of the real man alive and fighting for us.

I’ve never been known as a “real man” like Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, or even Tucker himself.  I don’t eat raw eggs, kill chickens with my bare hands, start wars, play basketball, eat chicken wings, vote for Nazis and lunatics, follow the Super Bowl,  expose myself every night, dominate women,  punch people, skin rabbits. I am a political pussy, and now I know why.

I have been neglecting my testicles.

You might think that Ukraine or inflation are the important stories these days. If so, you are shallow or “woke.”

Tucker and Fox News have been deeply concerned about the drop in male testosterone levels in recent years.

“Woke” scientists claim climate change and bad diets (and obesity) are the cause.  Fox News has long been deeply invested in the idea that the decrease in testosterone levels in recent years makes men more liberal and less masculine. This is a favorite topic of talk show hosts on the far right.

(Psst, Tucker, between us, overweight men have much lower testosterone levels than thin ones. Just a whisper in the ear. So that you know and don’t sound stupid.)

I should have known that liberals and Joe Biden are the cause; here is yet another plot unveiled, more outrage and anger seeds. If we can turn weak progressives into Trump supporters, the country can right itself.

Who knows how much danger we face?

If the testosterone levels drop even lower, men might turn into women, African-Americans or gay people, or even trans people. Or worse,  LIBERALS! One Trump-loving radio host in 2016 offered a free testosterone test to any listener thinking of voting for Hilary Clinton or any Democrat.

The answer for us men lies right between our legs; we just never realized it before.

I never thought of tanning my testicles as a way to authentic my manhood, which I have never been known for. I’m on it now.

Tucker Carlson is a great man and a real one. He has inspired me to turn to my testicles for rebirth and salvation, the last place I would have looked..

Until I lost some weight recently, I hadn’t seen my testicles for some years, they have made themselves scarce at times.

I saw them the other night and was shocked. I have always wanted to be one of those real men and ride around in a big pickup with giant flags, just like the ones who start wars and punch strangers in the face; real men are ruining the earth, poisoning the environment, shooting baby elephants, abusing women, and shooting children in road rage incidents.

True role models for all of us. All I do is write and take pictures, who needs testosterone for that? I’m practically a girl in a dress.

Now, there’s some hope for me.

I’ll start by going outside right now, tearing the chicken’s head off, clubbing a sheep to death,  and eating the meat without bothering to cook it.

Then I’ll take my clothes off and climb one of the Green Mountains of Vermont looking for a bear to wrestle with my bare hands. I’ll run naked through the woods and dare the ticks to jump in my pubic hair.

I’ll tell Maria no more arguments; she must do as she is told from now on and promptly. Less art, more cooking for me.

Then I’ll run and see how far I can get before she runs me down and spanks me (I’d like that, to be honest.)

P.S. I know that humor is not something many people grasp on social media. For the record, this story is true, it really happened.  I don’t blame anyone for not believing it. I didn’t either.

Tucker Carlson actually said and did this. I could not, sadly, possibly make this up. To keep things straight, I did e-mail him and invited him to the farm to show me this new testosterone restoration project. Maybe we can tan our balls together. How kinky. A new kind of friend. Then he could spank me too.

For any children reading this, Carlson is correct when he says overall testosterone levels have been decreasing in men over the last 50 years; a million studies are showing that this is due to lifestyle changes. You are what you eat.

I know many men follow Tucker Carlson and worship him, but the idea that “tanning your balls” (I can’t say it myself, I am a weak man) will make you happy is not valid, according to any sane and educated person you might find. I wouldn’t want anyone to be disappointed.

Psychiatrists have long believed that men who are gay will find ways to come out, verbally or not, openly or not. My gay friend says that Carlson reveals much more about himself than his or our testicles. I don’t know about that; it isn’t my business.

I don’t believe in outing people – that’s up to them – but I hope that Carlson is gay and is trying to come out. Unlike his spiritual father, Donald Trump, Carlson is someone people actually listen to, God help them.

The alternatives are unthinkable.