My work as a hospice volunteer was – and is – among the most important experiences of my life. It taught me that there are ways to die well and ways to die painfully and without dignity. Yesterday, Marjorie, a long-time reader of the blog, sent me this message which cried out to be shared.
Hospice is not about killing people. It is about dying with comfort and dignity. Sometimes we love the most by letting go.
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“I am writing to say thank you for an article you wrote a few weeks ago where you talked about death & hospice. My brother Earl was diagnosed in October with esophageal cancer He went through a few chemo treatments, but was too weak to eat & was in a rehab center for a while. Two weeks ago he was deemed terminal and was sent home in hospice care. He passed away on Valentine’s day, surrounded by his family & love.
I went back & forth over going to see him before he passed away. I knew this rotten disease would have made him very unlike the brother I grew up with, and that was true. But I didn’t want him to think I was afraid to go see him. After I read your post, I was able to take a breath & visit, and I am glad I did. He couldn’t speak, but he knew I was there. I told him I loved him, and that I would always be his bratty little sister who tagged along & embarrassed him in front of his friends. Then I told him he was home & if he was tired, it was okay to stop fighting, just relax & go to sleep.
I kissed his head & went home. Four hours later, his daughter called to tell me he was gone. I don’t know if giving him permission to let go was what sped his passing, I am just grateful that he was home, not alone in a facility where we couldn’t see him and that he didn’t have to linger on.
Anyway, thank you for a thoughtful honest blog that helped me come to terms with the impending death of my last sibling. He had a good life at 75. I will miss him, but I don’t feel guilty for telling him it was okay to let go.
I will be sending a donation to you later this week, to be used for the Mansion Fund or for the Prom night for the school. It gives me such a good feeling inside to be able to help a little, and know the money is going where it needs to be, not just into officers’ salaries like so many charities.
Margaret Guthrie”
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Thanks, Margaret, for gracing us with this message. Death is sad, but not only sad. It can be both meaningful and beautiful and loving. Good on you for helping your brother leave the world in comfort and with love.
Unlike many “nursing homes”.