I know by now that there are good days and more challenging days in any actual severe or medical health care procedure.
Yesterday and this morning were good days, boosted perhaps by my riding high on some anesthesia, and euphoria over the surgery is over.
I kept writing that we were having fun, and that was the truth. Today was not so much fun. Every day can’t be.
Today we both crashed a bit; this ordeal is getting tiresome and draining. It’s gone on for months. I wouldn’t say I liked wearing a mask today.
I’m in very little pain, but the foot is uncomfortable, as you might expect two days after surgery.
Maria is drained from leaving her work and tending to me – ice, bandages, dressing, bathing, walking alongside me (I’m not relatively steady yet.) She takes my boot on and off 20 times a day and with grace and love.
It took me an hour to get dressed, and due to many complex instructions, I barely got up and moved all day. I had trouble reading; I couldn’t quite get comfortable. My back doesn’t like this new regiment.
In the afternoon, a lovely woman came to bring some CCap apnea masks for me to choose among, and I did choose one. It was an extraordinary experience for me; perhaps this wasn’t the most brilliant day to get it. I had a harsh response.
It was a mild panic attack. First, I had the sensation that I wasn’t controlling my breath any longer, and the fact is, I wasn’t. I know better than to let fear make my decisions, so I tried it on and turned it on three or four times for fifteen minutes.
I kept doing it until I wasn’t frightened. By the late afternoon, I wasn’t. But I wasn’t having fun either. The apnea process on top of the foot process deflated me, for sure. I just felt overwhelmed.
By the fourth try, I was getting comfortable with it and will try to sleep again tonight. I’m no longer afraid of it, and I know its importance to me and my health.
Once I got used to it, the sensation of air coming into my nose was pleasant and relaxing. I’m not going to give it up. It was calming and soothing. My heart is grateful.
The odd thing is that I’m looking forward to putting it on tonight; it won’t interfere with my cuddling up with Maria. It will be wonderful to sleep deeply again.
But it will take some work and getting used to it, time to put my big boy pants on.
I think I was just worn out by the end of the day and didn’t give myself enough time and distance from Wednesday. Putting a mask on didn’t help my mood, even it might save my life.
Maria is also exhausted, it is tough for her to be cut off from her studio and her work, and I feel guilty about being the cause of it.
Tomorrow, I’ll work hard to be more independent; I had the foot up for most of the day and applied ice packs for 20 minutes every hour.
I’m going to try more walking tomorrow and do more for myself. She isn’t complaining, but I can see her fatigue setting in.
As many of you know, caretaking is never simple or easy.
The surgical boot is unstable and makes walking tricky.
There will always be good days in recovery and not-so-good days. Writing is always good for me; it steadies me and keeps me grounded.
It seems delusional to me to assume healing comes along a straight line. I know better. This will be challenging for the next two weeks.
Hopefully, these restrictions and exercises can ease up when I see the surgeon on Monday.
I’ll get used to the mask, as everyone does.
I was thinking of my friend Moise who would never wear an apnea mask or go to a doctor for a bone spur. Is his life more straightforward than mine or more complex? I don’t know.
I know people who get furious when every day doesn’t make life instantly better. Life – and surgery – don’t work that way.
We both have to move around more starting tomorrow, or we’ll go bonkers. We’re making plans to do that. We’ll figure it out. We always have.
The first two days were pretty solid, and it feels like the surgery went very well. That is a big deal and important news. It isn’t about how much fun the process can be but how much healing and grace we can bring to the process.
It was a healthy day for balance and perspective.
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I wouldn’t say “everyone does.” Unfortunately, the vast majority of people that are prescribed home CPAP are not compliant with it. And when I say the vast majority, I’m not kidding. Most CPAP machines end up in a closet somewhere gathering dust. The patients that do wear them love them and hang in there long enough to see the benefits, but most give up. They are uncomfortable and not easy to get used to.
You are correct and I am one of the guilty. It’s in a closet as I type this and has been for 2+ years. But seeing Jon’s post has inspired me to give it another shot. I just never got comfy with it. It’s a relatively advanced unit and very quiet. I just didn’t like being connected to a hose. If they could come up with a wireless/cordless unit of some kind, that would probably work better for me and many others.
Dolf, thanks. there is no way to have a cordless unit yet, too unreliable when it comes to breathing. I’m still uncomfortable too, but getting more comfortable each time I use it. I will take me some time, but it’s worth it, better than a stroke or heart attack for me. I’ve decided I need this to say healthy but it’s an individual decision. If you don’t believe you need it, I doubt it will work. I know that staying healthy is often a pain in the ass. I’m also learning that being sick is worse.
My husband uses a CPAP machine, and told me that he noticed a big change sleeping with his mask/machine: his dreams were now in color, no longer in black and white. I hope you come to enjoy using your CPAP machine.
Jon…
I don’t know why such events seem to come in bunches. Maybe just randomness. But an amusing old expression: “Time is Nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.” Perhaps Nature sometimes moderates.
Glad all with you is proceeding as expected. Do your dogs seem to respect your foot sensitivity?
I’m happy that the surgery is over and am looking forward to you being mobile again. I’ll be missing the Amish Farm stories. My husband uses a CPAP and he tried the smaller nose only mask and it didn’t work for him. He switched to the one that covers his nose and mouth and it works the best for him. With the nose only mask it was frustrating for him, if his mouth would drop open at night all the air would rush out of his mouth and wake him up. He can barely function the next day without it. If we lose power he has a long lasting marine battery and an inverter set up so he can use his machine. He even takes it and the battery/inverter set up with him when he goes to our off grid deer camp.
Your courage and insight will carry you through all of these new endeavors. Sending healing thoughts to you and to Maria for her steadfastness.
Precise yet subtle words to describe challenging health………issues.
Thank you.
Just a thought:
Most of us are not very good at self-care and feel uncomfortable when others need to be our caretaker.
But your life and comfort matter and deserve attention. So slow down. Let the foot heal, Maria seems like the kind of person who makes her own choices and she is strong; I am sure she does not want anything to do with you feeling guilty about being a burden. Just accept her care. The more you relax into this recovery process and let it take as long as it takes, the sooner you will be on your feet 🙂 again and then you can lessen her load so that she can do catch-up. She will probably produce some beautiful art pieces based on this experience…. Stay healthy and safe and practice patience!
I understand. I had to wear a boot too. And I see the podiatrist regularly. The one thing I learned was to use hiking poles. I seriously doubt they would hold me up “but” between MS and the boot I was able to keep my balance better. And those boots do indeed play havoc with backs.
I use a CPAP and use it faithfully. My sleep apnea is severe and know the machine is saving my life. I fought it for awhile but learned to”breathe” with it. Having the correct mask is key. There are several styles and I have tried quite a few! I am sure the increase of oxygen because of the machine will assist in you over all healing. Best of luck to you.
I’m so glad you are using your mask & CPAP machine. I’ve been using one since 2009 and haven’t had any problems. Initially I had a sort of panic reaction, but once I realized it didn’t interfere with my breathing, and actually helped, I relaxed. Now, I sleep better and keep breathing all night–definitely a plus! My husband is supposed to use one, too, but won’t; he has tried a bunch of different masks but says they all make him claustrophobic. Doctors have all told him he should use it, as have I, but he’s a stubborn person and says he doesn’t need it. Plus, anyone saying he does just makes it worse. Glad your surgery went well, and I love how your dogs take care of you! Our doggo, Charlie, takes nurse duties very seriously and keeps a close watch on both of us.
I commend your honesty! I think your experience is rather normal, in that the first day or two after surgery don’t seem that bad, and the patient often gets a false sense of confidence about the healing process. Having some bad days 3 to 5 days after a big procedure is common. The good news is that things usually take a turn for the better after that, slowly but surely. I sincerely hope that is the case for you! Meanwhile, your common sense approach to surgery, sleep apnea and healing will serve you well. And if it helps, please know that so many of us are rooting for a speedy and full recovery for you!