I learned today that I’m losing a third friend to a debilitating illness that he has faced bravely and openly. This is a deep and old relationship. Today, he and his family decided to call in hospice; they asked me to sit with him when they needed rest or relief.
Of course, I said yes.
My friend was gravely ill for some time; hospice was a wonderful choice for him. Hospice is not about killing people but helping them die with dignity and comfort.
I often write about having few friends, but the truth is I have some wonderful ones, and I’m losing a lot of them at once. I see that as a spiritual challenge and a test of my values, and ultimately my spirituality.
Death is a much greater challenge for them and their families.
The latest news was hard for me to accept; perhaps I’m just a little battered right now.
The death of others is not about me, but I am called to think about staying grounded and strong.
I often write about my choice to celebrate life rather than mourn its loss, which sets some people on edge. One woman wrote to say I was cold as a cucumber.
Maybe so, but I am eager to put my money where my mouth is. I came to a wonderful way for me to heal.
This is what I came up with.
I’m going to write a letter to the boss or supervisor of every person, online or off, who has been exceptionally kind and helpful to me in this often frustrated and disconnected world.
And not just this week.
For as long as I am able.
It feels great, a tonic and gift to do this. We don’t need to wallow in grief or loss. We can balance both.
I believe it is my responsibility when I feel sad or low to find ways to feel better that are productive and meaningful. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a choice.
Two weeks ago, I had some confusion regarding a Discover credit card. An employee got on the phone with me and patiently and clearly walked me through it, hanging in there with me until he was sure it was resolved. He could not have been calmer, more patient, more cheerful, or more helpful.
It was a complex issue, it took a while, and it wasn’t my fault. He fixed it.
I decided to write a letter to his supervisor to explain what a good job he did. I was happy to hear he was given a bonus and a few days off in response to my letter.
That felt good. It made me happy, an antidote to sadness and lament.
In our disconnected times, customer service and retail workers are often abused in this country, certainly when they call us from overseas, or we call them. We have become a culture of whining and grievance, and resentment. This is very hard on anyone who has to deal with the public.
Some of those people succumb to anger; some become saints.
I decided as my friends grew sicker and sicker and two died to make it a point this week and for good to call the bosses of people who are kind and empathetic to me.
The people who stand out with kindness. I call them saints and angels.
Today, I wrote a long letter to Stewart’s Convenience Store about a store manager who repeatedly and without being asked helped me to bring ice cubes, ice cream, and bottled water for the needy and the vulnerable during our heat waves out to my car.
This in a popular and busy store with busy cashiers and long lines.
I find almost all companies have placed online for such feedback and welcome it. I described how a store manager named Reed always appears to help me carry the ice cubes and ice cream, and bottled water to my car. I am proud and stubborn, and I never ask for help. Reed always helps, whether I ask or not.
He is empathetic.
He always tells me he knows I can carry it by myself, but it’s his job to help. It has never been anyone else’s job to help me carry ice cubes and ice cream in the time I’ve been doing it. I thought his bosses should know.
It means a lot to me to keep my dignity and pride as I age; I don’t want to be pitied or “helped” through life unless necessary. Reed knows how to help me without making me feel old or pleading for help.
Writing this letter about Reed felt good; it eased my sadness and resignation about my friend. Instead of feeling sad on my delivery route, I felt great, imagining Reed’s boss calling him up to tell him what a great job he is doing.
Earlier this week, a medical tech/sleep therapist named Melissa helped me navigate a night in a sleep lab with many wires in my head and body. I didn’t think it possible for me to sleep in that Orwellian nightmare, but she took the time to help me relax and feel safe, and I slept long enough for the test. She was helpful and attentive, and calming.
So yesterday, I wrote a letter to the President of Saratoga Hospital to tell him and his staff what a wonderful job she did and how much she helped me get through a potentially awkward evening.
His office wrote back right away to say the letter would go immediately to her supervisor and into her record.
So this is how I’ve decided to respond to the loss of three excellent friends at once. Write letters of commendation to their bosses. It can do them a lot of good. It works to soften the harsh edges in our world.
Every time someone on the phone or in-person is kind to me, I’m going to write a letter to their boss or supervisor.
People in our world often complain, whine, and rage at blameless people on the phone or in person. We are becoming a nation of victims, one victim competing with another for sympathy and attention.
Mostly, people are nice to me. Sometimes they are not. Sometimes they are exceptionally nice.
I’m going to make sure their bosses know when they are exceptionally nice, and it is a selfish thing for me to be doing because when I write these letters, the sadness and heaviness in me lift.
I hope it helps them, but I do it for me.
Doing good is true, at least for me, the most healing, strengthening, and comforting balance I can think of to life’s sadness, loss, and harshness.
My friend – all my friends – were blessed. They lived good lives and long lives. I will not be grieving for them or mourning for them; I will get on with life. I do not need to be sorry for them; that is not what I need to do. I need to do good that is inspired by them and in honor of them.
I loved them all and appreciated their friendship, and I will think of them often and resolve to use my own remaining time thoughtfully and with love and compassion.
And when I find someone who is kind, helpful, and thoughtful, I will make sure the people they work for know about it.
I see each letter as a shaft of light, a chance to brighten a corner of our complicated and sometimes harsh world. It is a miraculous antidote to grieving.
thats a great idea. I haven’t written but Ive told people at the hospital or other places. Interesting what our society and history do and deal with grief. Now a days it seems (my experience) in person, people don’t really want to hear it and get very uncomfortable with tears and sadness more that a few days after the loss/funeral etc. But online where I was trying to be cheerful and post nice memories about my moms life etc. I got comments of how are you not devastated etc. Well I was and have been for a couple years. But now looking at it from some distance, the grief is about what I was losing, my feelings of being left alone, unsupported and unseen. Is that what grief is? Really about ourselves? Also it called into question all my beliefs about meaning. The items and things, people she cared deeply about, many lost any importance with her. Makes me think about all my things and what I treasure and will anybody care after I’m gone? It’s a dichotomy for my as I care about history, family heirlooms and antiques. Have some anxiety about documenting where things came from and their place in the family. So all I care about is not lost. And having been so close to her, I have alot of her things as I know what they meant to her. Don’t want that lost either. So loosing her all comes back to me. Would like your reflection on this if you have one. Sorry got off track, the comment from other poster about you being cold got me thinking. Really did she want a photo of you sobbing? Sigh.
I haven’t hear from my brother since my mother’s death either. I wasn’t SAD enough at her Celebration of Life. He hasn’t spoken to me for 22 years.
Many years ago, during the calling hours for my grandfather, who was well known and respected in his city and beyond, I met his old friends and colleagues for hours. One older man stood in line, looking slightly nervous. When he met my grandmother, he said that 50 years ago when he had come to this country, he had trouble finding work, etc. He said my grandfather had found him a job and helped him get settled. He hadn’t contacted my grandpa after that but today he wanted the family to know how grateful he was and to pay his respects.
That man was a standout for us.
You have a wonderful idea, Jon.
I work in retail, and people are so quick to complain. I go out of my way to contact the supervisors of the people who go above and beyond. It makes such a difference
this hits so close to home for me once again, Jon. The losing of yet another friend is indeed a challenge……… but what struck me was that I had a lengthy conversation with my brother recently about *customer service*…… he was a bit frustrated after a few unpleasant situations but said he would not dwell on it, nor let it make him angry. I told him I had recently begun making a point of immediately telling people directly…….when someone is particularly kind, professional or helpful……. making a point to let them know how helpful and kind they are and how much this is appreciated. I have not written letters yet…..but just beginning in this vein makes them feel good, and it makes me feel good. My brother agreed that this is a wonderful panacea to being angry and frustrated so we are now both taking this approach…….. noticing and acknowledging kindness is healing for all. Sorry to be so long winded!
Susan M
Jon, it is a wonderful thought to acknowledge the kindnesses extended to you. I’ve recently had an experience with Bell Telephone here in Canada. Now talking to Bell Canada in recent times is akin to needing to take a tranquilizer or sip of cognac after dealing with them. Long gone are the days when a live operator answers our calls. This time my issue was that my inbox was being overtaken by issues caused by Bell and it was essential that I needed to send out an email that morning to my solicitor and I couldn’t, nothing would come in or go out of my inbox. I confess to getting very upset with the Bell employee, to the point of tears, my voice raised. But what she did with me was to not respond to my anger, she calmly talked me down from my hysteria, then when she’d seen to my problem with a technician, she shared with me, her experience with depression in her life and how she had fought through it, now had a steady job and life was better for her. I am in Canada, she, in the Philippines. We connected. I don’t know whether it is because of COVID that people are communicating more compassionately with one another, but I’ve had several experiences such as this. Acknowledging when people do you a kindness makes you feel better too.
Sandy Proudfoot
I’ve done this for years, but I address the letter to the person who was so accommodating and cc their manager. That way, they get to know first hand how wonderful they are and that they are appreciated, while also letter their boss/supervisor also know what a great employee they have.
I too do this often. Most only write when there’s a complaint but when people provide good friendly service they should be commended.
I recently visited a very busy grocery store. I was treated kindly and well all the way to the parking lot where an associate thanked me for putting my cart in the corral. As soon as I got home I called the manager and shared my wonderful experience. The sound of relief and joy in his voice was astounding. And, I did it for me, I felt so great complimenting them. So incredibly selfish and so wonderful. Thanks, Jon!
Jon…
What a wonderful idea! Although you might have taken this action based on personal principle, it could have beneficial outcomes as its recipients pass this goodwill forward.
Much of what we are currently hearing or reading belies the presence of kindness or unselfish behavior. These days, the rowdies, misfits, and those having abandoned their logic fill our headlines. But, when we watch for it, we might find more good out there than we expected . . .
. . . and sooner than expected. As I’m reading your post, I received a surprise from an online retailer: the CSR intervened to refund a charge on an item I had ordered in error. The rep took this action on his own, because the item was non-returnable.
So, this is a great opportunity for me to follow your example.
This is a wonderful practice. I worked with a federal judge who never missed an opportunity to praise a job well done, and always wrote a letter for their file. This not only helps a person in their career, but it is such a boost to their self esteem. You’ve reminded me how important this is.
Recently had a lovely young man(I am an old widow 73!) Who came to pump my Septic system, yes really!! You can laugh but he was very kind and talked to me . Was nice to have the company and conversation. I called and told his boss what a wonderful employee he had!
Jon, this was another thoughtful post. In the land of recovery, we are advised that when we are stuck, or lonely, or in a bad place, to reach out to help another person. Helping others and acknowledging a kindness is good medicine. The help that has been given to me over the years has made me shake my head in pure wonder and gratitude. Have you read “365 Thank Yous” by John Kralik? A powerful testament to the beauty of written gratitude.
This post moved me like no other. I am a cancer survivor and just learned today of yet another dear friend on hospice that I will lose soon. Turning our grief into kindness is the best medicine. Thank you!
I once saw a newspaper clipping on a bulletin board in a car repair place I frequented. It was from a family who said for New Years they sat down and looked at what blessings they’d had in the past year. This repair shop was one so they decided to purchase an ad in the local paper to shout their praises to the whole community.