The fact that the Amish religion is an unyielding patriarchy is perhaps the most controversial thing about this community to many of the people outside of it, especially and understandably, women.

The Amish don’t do PR, and they don’t argue their beliefs or defend themselves. Their choices, they believe, come directly from God, and thus can be explained, but not argued.

Judging from my e-mail, there is the widespread belief that absolute patriarchy that leaves men in charge of everything also leaves women without dignity, choice, or freedom. The Amish refer to their culture as “soft” patriarchy.

No one is permitted to frighten anyone.

I’ve been asking them about this issue for some time and listening. I expect to keep at it until I am satisfied I understand it. You are very welcome to come along.

I have no interest in arguing it.

When listening to the Amish, it helps to keep in mind that the church rituals are not material as they are with the English – there are no robes, statues, shrines,  lecterns, organs, stained glass steel, bound texts, churches, or sacred scrolls.

The rituals are kneeling, foot washing, confession, shunning.

The values are submission, obedience, humility, simplicity.

The Amish follow family roles as defined in the bible – “The head of every man is  Christ, and the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God” (1 Cor.113).”

To them, that is not a political choice, rather a mandate that comes directly from God, not from men. The message for them is clear: the male is dominant over the female, older over the younger, and parent over a child.

Amish families do not fight, shout, or slam doors in front of one another. They are taught to be calm and quiet.

Amish women are raised to submit to the authority of men, but not to be silent about their opinions or without voice or choices.

The “English” as we call them, believe patriarchy means absolute power.

The Amish women believe they are in many ways the most powerful and essential elements in their families, even if they obey the males. Spending time with them almost every day for many weeks, I see what they mean.

As always, I don’t live by labels or politically correct positions, left or right. It’s not my intention to judge, they are entitled to what they call the God-given Amish Way, whether other people like it or not.

I don’t judge them, and they don’t judge me. I don’t tell them what to do and they don’t tell me what to do. They wouldn’t dream of it.

I talked to an Amish elder who came to the Miller Farm during the barn-raising and I talked with several women who live on the farm during the same time, and before and after the raising.

They were very open to the subject and pleased to speak with me. I was much more nervous than they were.

Everyone I spoke with spoke freely and openly with me, man and woman, I sensed no fear or retaliation of criticism when they spoke their minds.

They may have been taught to be obedient, but they were also taught to be honest, and never to lie.

As a journalist, I’ve covered a number of cult stories and met cult leaders and followers.

These women are nothing like brainwashed or coerced or intimidated people. Cult people are invariably confused, dull, secretive, and angry.

I’ve never met one who wasn’t.

One of the best descriptions I’ve yet read about gender and family in the Amish world comes from the book The Amish, written by Donald B. Kraybill, Karen M. Johnson-Weiner, and Steven M. Nolt.

The awful damage of all this partisanship is that fewer and fewer people dare to think at all, or need to. Their thinking is done for them.

The role of women in the Amish world is far more complex than left-right rhetoric might suggest and our culture is rarely open to listening to people who are different.

“The term patriarchal,” write the authors in The Amish, “in its anthropological and sociological settings is an apt description of gender  relations Amish Society.”

The male is the head of the family, and men occupy all visible leadership roles. Amish Writer Joseph Stoll argues that “Scripture very clearly places the man in a position of responsibility as the head of the household, and his wife is in a position of subjection.”

The Amish believe this has been the core of their survival – not that the men are in charge, but that someone is.

The authors also argue that the label patriarch does not capture the reality or fullness and nuance of gender roles in Amish families.

To the Amish, subordination means neither inequality nor lack of importance,” writes Kraybill and the others.

The way we perceive this idea of family and they perceive it is completely different if we assume there is no kind of equality.

The term patriarchy obscures the many ways in which the agency of Amish women is both supported and encouraged. The scholars call this a “soft” patriarchy, flexible and relaxed in different situations.

This is what I have seen in my time with the Miller family.

Barbara certainly doesn’t seem diminished or subject to subjection. She is clearly in charge of her realm in the family, which is huge, and in many ways, much larger and as central as Moise’s.

Moise is the patriarch, but the two kingdoms are quite separate.

Barbara makes important decisions instantly and quickly and isn’t looking over her shoulder. She takes important decisions for Moise, and they decide together.

He gets the final say if one is required. But she has a great deal of authority and influence, not just at home but throughout the community.

____

The Amish elder, who lives in far upstate New York, agreed to talk with me, there was no hesitation or worry, he wasn’t afraid of being seen.

He got right into it.

He said it wasn’t true that women are coerced into the Amish way or not valued. They choose their husbands and decide whether or not to marry.

They are not forced to have more children than they want to have. They can leave the church at any time, he said, and some do.

They speak up clearly and often at religious meetings. Their opinions are welcome and respected.

They speak their minds to their husbands and are not required or expected to be silent or without argument.

It is true, he said, that men must be obeyed, that is, he said, a major reason the Amish community has held together and survived,  while most small communities all over the world have not.

When decisions need to be made, the family doesn’t get mired in quarrels and endless arguments.  No one storms off and slams the door.

That is how patriarchs or matriarchs can work.  And there are a number of matriarchal cultures in the world.

Things get done, quickly and efficiently. This leads to high morale and a sense of accomplishment.

The Amish family is one of the most efficient and productive systems I’ve ever seen, like a giant clock with a dozen hands.

The Amish people have great and absolute faith in their system.

The elder said his farm could not survive without the work and earnings of women, the men know and acknowledge that.

With their baked goods, crop-and vegetable tending and care, their freelance hiring by English people, they earn most of the money in most Amish homes.

They sustain Amich culture and teach it. They make sure that people who need help (and it is their business to know that)  get it.

Moise often talks about the “girls,” and his pride in the work they do.

In Amish culture, women are given responsibility for helping to keep the community together – letters, visits, quilting, help – they also take responsibility for keeping in touch with other families.

It is false, the elder said, to say women do not have important roles to play when they are in many ways the most essential people on any farm or in an Amish family.

And they need not fear being fired or laid off or evicted or divorced or transferred or bankrupt or sent to nursing homes.

The community would collapse without their hard and diligent work, their many marketing skills, the products they grow, the children they raise, the foods they bake and sell, the care they provide for their children.

“We see them as sacred beings, as heroes and saints,” he said, “not as slaves or servants. There would be no Amish without them.”

Amish men are taught to respect women and treat them with dignity. When abuse occurs, the men who do it and are condemned are shunned for life and punished immediately.

Abuse is not the Amish way, he said. “We are taught to listen to our wives, and to protect them, as they protect us.” He agrees that abuse occurs, but denied it is common.

The men do most if not all of the physical labor, he said, but they do not always earn most or all of the money.

The English women, he said judge work on their own terms – lawyers, doctors, office work. Respected work involves college, a lot of money, status, and influence.

None of those things are important to the Amish.

“They don’t see baking pies or having lots of children as important. To us, it is everything,” said the elder

The Amish idea of judgment works in a different way – carrying out God’s wishes, following the teachings of Jesus, supporting family and community. That is how they should be judged, he said, not by their “status” or money.

I thought his perspective was interesting, he was open and honest and not defensive. It’s true that Amish people don’t lie, that makes it easier to listen to them.

One of the women I spoke with was especially articulate.  I see her almost every day.  She was not uncomfortable speaking with me or hesitant to be seen talking to someone who writes about the family.

When I asked her about this, she listed the work she did on the farm – cleaning barns and houses, dusting, sweeping cooking for the family, for the foodshed, cleaning the outhouse, tending the gardens, making donuts, pies, cookies, quilts,  special food orders from the outside.

Amish women know how to do a lot of things.

The men, she said, are often doing the hard labor, the women are responsible for earning money that supports the family. They also slaughter animals, harvest crops for the family, can fruits and vegetables for the winter.

“We earn the steadiest income,” she said. “The work the men do is often successful, but it is not always steady – making furniture, tilling and plowing, doing odd jobs.

The work we do is steady, she said,  the family depends on us for that, so does the church.

“We are working all the time, five and six days a week. Donuts, pies, rugs, quilts, making soap, collecting vegetables like tomatoes, carrots, kale, and peppers, taking care of the children. The men plow the fields, we care for the crops and make the things we sell. We feel valued and important.”

She said she understands that English women have different ideas about independence and work, but she says she feels vital and essential.

Her children are the joy in her life, along with God and family.

She does not regret having many, there is always help and support for her when it comes to caring for her children, there is always free daycare and open arms.

Her English friends, she says, talk about child care as if it were an awful burden, but to Amish women, children are the future, the salvation of the faith. No one needs or wants to be paid for helping to care for them.

They love having children and taking care of them. We teach the children the Amish Way, she said. That’s also our job:”

“We need children to help work our farms and businesses when we get old and to save the labor costs we can’t afford. But this doesn’t mean we don’t love them and care for them. They are precious to us, they are everything. It is our faith to keep them happy and loved and secure. We don’t yell at them or scold them or punish them…We love them and introduce them to the work that binds our faith.”

It is difficult for me to accept a culture that puts men in absolute control. That is not the way I live and it is not the way my wife would ever live.

But learning not to judge others is one of the best tasks I’ve ever undertaken for myself. It is freeing me to think, and to a writer, that can be everything.

As I’ve written, my sense of these women is that they are strong, hard-working, and critically important to the welfare and survival of their families and their faith.

They certainly feel their work is important, they insist they are respected and essential. Since they don’t lie, I am inclined to believe them.

Everyone in an Amish family is important, but I think it’s fair to say of the women, that they are the only people in Amish families without which the family, and ultimately, the faith, would collapse.

Does that really mean they are brainwashed, coerced, and browbeaten into a kind of slavery?

I don’t think so, but it isn’t really up to me to make that judgment.

A number of women tell me it is hard for them to accept this idea of equality in Amish families. If you don’t know what your choices are, how can you make good ones?

There is a lot of truth to that question, but I believe it is also endemic to childhood. My granddaughter, who is raised very differently from Amish children, has no idea what her other choices might be. She is on a speed train to Harvard or Yale and has a life of accomplishment and economic security.

And she has no idea what Amish children are liked. It is unlikely she will ever know. We are all prisoners of our environment.

There are many things about the Amish I don’t admire or care to emulate. There are many things I am learning from them. I have never been a great listener, I’ve always been quick to judge.

The Amish are teaching me not to do that and how not to do it. These are lessons of great value to me, and they have already impacted my life.

I don’t buy the idea that anyone can become another person, we are who we are. But we can always be better, and that sets us apart from all the other creatures of the world.