I want to say up front that I am writing this piece because I think Amish women are being portrayed unfairly and unjustly, by the media’s lazy portrayal of them as quaint cookie and quilt-makers, and by a significant number of intelligent and empowered women who think them weak and helpless.
My issue is that I do not accept the suggestion that the Amish women have gotten to know are feeble and brainwashed, more victims of the Patriarchy.
They do obey their husbands when push comes to shove, and that is not in fashion, nor have I had that experience in my life. But that doesn’t make them either powerless or helpless.
Life is a tradeoff and they have made what they think is a good bargain.
I don’t know a lot of Amish women. No one does in the outside world that I know of. So I have only to go by the ones I do know. I don’t claim to speak for them all.
I know about a dozen Amish women, and they are members of one sect in one place.
I want to say right away that I admire them greatly, something I didn’t expect.
So yes, I am biased. The ones I know are strong, loving, full of grace and meaning. And they certainly don’t defer to this man.
There are plenty of issues and problems within the Amish community, many involve women; there are lots of books and stories about them, as there should be.
But it is surprising to me to see so many women who call themselves feminists use the language of the Patriarchy – women are weak, submissive, emotional, and manipulable – to denigrate and pity them. The ones I know would take poorly to being pitied.
It is, in fact, both patronizing and dismissive.
I have never been on this side of the great argument about the future of feminism, it is uncomfortable for me, it is important to me.
And it is definitely an uncomfortable subject for a man, widely presumed to no longer have the right to even speak about women, I have been told. But I didn’t become a writer to be quiet or to be silenced.
I can’t go by what others tell me, only by what I see. And these stereotypes are not the Amish women that I see and have come to respect. I write about what I see and feel, and claim nothing more than that.
I hope it is the truth, but it is my truth at the moment, that’s all I can promise. You are entitled to yours. I live in a world of many truths, not one.
The Amish have shaken me up, coming in here as they have like a benign invading army, challenging me and my many smug preconceptions and misconceptions, slapping me upside the head in a world that is becoming more black and white by the day.
I thought I knew a lot about the strange people with their funny hats and horse buggies and many prohibitions about technology. The truth is, I knew nothing about them, or about how to respect the different ways people can choose to live.
Here is the kind of message that prompted me to write this piece, they are all too familiar to me:
Yesterday, Barbara posted this message in response to my writing about Amish women:
“Entitled on so many levels:
an unsympathetic view that lacks empathy. It’s better not to romanticize their domination.”
She was referring to me; of course, I get messages like that almost every day now.
To support her complaint, she linked to a story on the attitudes of Chinese Female Immigrant Workers and sent me this quote from it:
“Several intersecting social constraints operate to prevent them from developing assertive attitudes, defiant behaviors, and collective actions. In reaction to these constraints, the women develop unique strategies to covertly resist and pragmatically adapt.”
Okay, she’s clearly an academic snob but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a point.
In my weeks of writing about my new Amish neighbors, I’ve been praised for shedding light on their fascinating world and sharply criticized for being one of those men we read about all the time – the dread Patriarchy.
There is a persistent critical drumbeat of complaints about my work from some women, most of them academics, most self-described feminists complaining I was failing to see a familiar kind of persecution of vulnerable women:
Amish women are not in style among some feminists.
Those Amish women, they believe, are caught in the grip of a powerful religious hierarchy that coerces, dominates, isolates, bullies, and manipulates women into submission.
“The Amish are a patriarchal society,” writes James Cates in his thoughtful book on Amish gender roles and sexuality Serpent In The Garden.
“Bishops, ministers, and deacons hold authority within the local congregation in which they reside, and husbands/fathers hold authority within the family while remaining subordinate to the church hierarchy. Older male siblings hold authority over younger siblings.”
For idealistic, independent women, that is the very heart of what they have fought and suffered for centuries, and are working hard to overturn. They have my blessing and full support, for whatever that is worth.
According to the messages I receive, many see Amish women as weak, manipulated victims of men. An old story.
Since they are taught from birth to submit to the authority of men, in their family and their church, then they are, some believe, by definition unable to freely choose what kind of lives they wish to have.
By the time they are old enough to make choices, it’s too late.
These complaints are important, well worth talking about. There is something to them.
I remind myself all the time that just because someone is obnoxious, doesn’t mean they are wrong.
The hard part is you have to be prepared to fight in order to talk. The fighting comes first, the talking never seems to follow. Everyone calls for a conversation but no one wants to have one.
The messages almost always have links attached to them, quoting cases of Amish abuse of women by men, sexual assault, brainwashing, and manipulation from women’s first days. Links to the behavior of bad men are not hard to come by, in any ethnicity or nation.
Few of the women who message me seem to have had direct contact with any Amish women, or know much about the Amish culture. Academics are not like reporters – they don’t really have to go anywhere.
This Amish model of unbroken male domination bothers many social scientists troubled by the insularity and male dominance of Amish communities.
I read the messages carefully, concerned about the charge of romanticizing the Amish, and also because as a lifelong feminist, or as much of a feminist as most men can be, the messages sting, even as they have failed to sway me.
My “lack of empathy” stems from my seeming disagreement with their complaints.
There is no conceivable way, they say, for women who agree to have so many babies and defer to so many men willingly, and halt their educations at the eighth grade, can possibly make good decisions about their lives.
There is no way, goes the common view, they are not suffering from having to serve as a breeding tool for men and a male-dominated institution.
If you follow this line of reasoning – and many people do – then Amish women, by default, or shallow, unsophisticated, isolated, brainwashed, or weak.
That doesn’t sound really empathetic to me.
The Amish women tell me they great a deal out of their lives – children to live, lifetime health care paid for, no mortgage to lose, no insurance to buy, no electric or water bills to worry about, no debts to pay, no fashion fads to obsessed over, no social media to endure, no bad news to hear, very little chance of divorce, no partisan bickering, elderly care that is free, and community insurance that will pay for any accident, fire or disaster.
People may not like that tradeoff, but it is not anything.
Americans have notoriously stressful, expensive, and unpredictable lives. The Amish women say they are content and fulfilled, they seem that way.
The constant sniping about Amish women sounds to me a lot like what some men have been saying about women forever:
“It’s assumed women are too soft, emotional or hysterical for leadership roles,” wrote former Australia Prime Minister Julia Gillard.
I think of Eleanor Roosevelt, a champion of women’s rights all of her life: “One’s philosophy is not best expressed in words; it is expressed in the choices one makes…and the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
To take it one step farther, the idea of the weak and manipulated Amish woman is this: anyone that is happy and fulfilled or accepting of male authority must be a victim; they couldn’t possibly be happy.
Is it just me, or that a demeaning, even sexist way to view women who have their own singular and different path? And who take full responsibility for the choices they have made?
“I am not weak or foolish, I take responsibility for wanting to have a dozen children and care for them and my husband and my God Jesus. I apologize to no one,” a young Amish newlywed told me.
I could never walk away from feminism; it has shaped and supported my life. Every woman in my life has been a feminist, and I owe them everything that I have.
I don’t pay much attention to links, an addiction to academics, feminists, conservatives, and liberals. In terms of being blue or red, we think of being Fox News or the New York Times. There now seem to be only one or two ways of looking at the world.
I am, therefore, a freak to be watched closely and hated where possible. That is the fate of the Beavis & Butthead man, which I am: because I am stupid, I am free, because I never learned what I am supposed to think, I can think.
So here’s my dilemma, expressed as honestly and humbly as I can, and you can, of course, take it or leave. it. I find Amish women to be dignified and admirable.
I have no links here to offer, no other people to quote, just me and my own perspective. I don’t tell other people what to think, I have enough trouble figuring out what to think myself.
The Amish are people who persecuted in Europe hundreds of years ago and fled to America, like so many other persecuted people.
They have created a small community that has survived for centuries because they have chosen to live differently than the rest of us. They are perhaps the most successful small community in the world, in part because they have chosen to reject many of our Western ways and values.
Bless them for that. They are winners in the long and painful history of social movements.
It is true that Amish women have chosen a very different life than the most idealistic, educated, committed, and strong American women.
The Amish are soft when we are loud, cautious where we are impulsive, tolerant where we are judgemental, loving where we are harsh, successful where we have failed.
If the Trumpists want to talk about socialism, start with the Amish. They have combined minimalism with a decentralized kind of socialism that has worked for them a lot better than capitalism has worked for most of us.
Everybody has a job, health care, no debt, comprehensive insurance, a free education, safety when they age. Everybody has to follow the rules.
They have a society that is united, is deeply religious, takes care of its own, has survived and prospered for more than 500 years
.
And they do it by worshipping family, community, humility, and compassion.
In my journalism career as a reporter and political writer, I’ve met many people who are brainwashed – just look at Trumpism. I am not a good candidate for brainwashing, but I think I know it when I see it.
I do not see it in the Amish women that I know.
I am impressed by these women.
The Amish women I am meeting do not appear to me to be coerced in any way. They are certainly not weak in any way.
They accept the authority of an admitted patriarchy. It helps to give them a life they accept and choose.
They accept the expectation that they will have many children so that their communities can continue to survive. They seem to love every child that they have – I see no cruelty or anger in this world – and see everyone as a gift from God.
They speak their minds; they are assertive and engaged; their “unique strategies” include loving their families and communities and devoting themselves to their faith.
I have never heard any man raise his voice to them, or bully them, or ignore them and their opinions.
I have never seen an Amish women raise her voice to anyone, child or adult. Are they crazy, or are we crazy?
I have no idea what goes on out of my sight or in their own homes and bedrooms. I will never know.
I can only go by what I see. I do not doubt that some Amish men abuse their wives and their children. Welcome to the human race.
If Catholic priests can rape, molest, abuse, even murder children for centuries right under the noses of the earth’s most powerful Patriarchy, then you can bet some Amish have done it as well.
And some other Christian and Jewish and Muslim men too.
This is not the world I see and encounter and am getting to know in my Amish neighbors.
My patronizing and sexist response is to defend these women as if they needed my help or had asked for it. I am well aware that they have been taking care of themselves for centuries now and don’t need me to save them from a world, they say they love.
The Amish women I know are strong, more out of Willa Cather’s Prairie Woman than puppets of an evil male cult.
They are essential to the survival of their community. This gives them both purpose and fulfillment.
They love their children and grandchildren and thank God for giving them the chance to do God’s word. Their work never ends; they have little rest or quiet.
“I love all my children and grandchildren,” Barbara once told me, “what a wonderful gift.” She has given birth to 14 children. Most of the women I know are horrified to hear it; they shake their heads in pity.
The Amish women I know speak up for themselves and their families. They give honest and often unwanted advice to their husbands, although they often do it quietly and out of sight.
They do defer to men, yielding the right to make final decisions about their lives and their children’s lives.
They can go to any church service any time and anywhere they wish.
They read the books they want to read, marry the men they choose to marry, choose to remain in Amith culture when they can easily leave, as about 15 percent of them do.
They oversee complex households, launder and make clothes, till soil, plant and water crops, sell baked goods and fruit.
I wonder why hard work and determination and faithful and loving parenting and dedication to community are not noble things for those who chose them as the focal point of life?
We can see the troubling parts of a life like that. Why can’t we see the good?
Every day, I look up that hill and see Amish women doing things that take my breath away – bending over in the heat to water and tend to plants, hitching giant horses up to unpowered plows, and tilling row after row of soil.
I couldn’t do any of them, now or ever.
And yes, I see them cooking in the kitchen, studying new recipes, making donuts and pies, taking care of their siblings, taking a horse and cart into town to buy things for the household, and managing the money that keeps their families intact and nourished, and healthy.
I don’t see slaves or battered women in the eyes and faces of these women. They smile too much. They laugh too hard and too often for that.
I see women empowered to do things that most of us – myself included – do not choose to do. They do this work diligently and honestly, and fearlessly.
They seem fulfilled, content, essential. They say they are surrounded by a cocoon of love and support. Isn’t that an amazing thing about being human?
A million of us can see the same thing and see it in a million different ways.
Some people tell me that the Amish structure makes Amish women slaves.
Sitting below their farm today, watching two young girls cajole, pull and push a giant horse into pulling a plow across a field, I felt something very different.
I thought they were heroes, digging into the vert ground to give their families sustenance and support. Is this work really inferior to being on Instagram and Twitter day and night? Sarah had rhubarb to show for her hard work. Most kids have nothing to show for their texts.
The Amish sisters are wonderful sisters and loving children. They rush to support anyone in their community who needs help.
They even open their hearts and minds to me, an aging stranger from a different world, and thank me for reading to them and bringing books.The sisters are always together, traveling in a colorful cloud.
That’s what I see. That’s what I feel. If that changes, you will be the first to know.
In the meantime, it’s a pleasure to know these women; they are everything women have always known they could be or choose not to be, even when men didn’t see the human miracle that is women: strength, honesty, compassion, intelligence, bravery.
I am not an academic. Just a woman – a journalist and author. I’ve read your pieces about the Amish, in particular about Amish women. I like you – I like your style and your honesty – been following you for years and have read several of your books. My observations: Your anecdotal conclusions about Amish women, given the handful you have met, are personal and might be wildly inaccurate. And I suspect that the Amish indoctrination of girls at a young age is similar to what you might find in a cult. The Catholic church has also done it’s share of a sort of similar indoctrination. i.e. – women can’t be priests. Although some Catholic women are saying, “Why not?’ I don’t think I’ve heard a good answer. So here’s my acid test. Reverse the roles. Let’s say the Amish women have all the power and authority that the men currently wield. The men must be obedient and raise the children and quit school at grade 8. Ambitions of another sort of life are a no-go. Would you still support the lifestyle?
Thanks Good, a thoughtful message. Of course my conclusions might be wildly inaccurate. THey also might be wildly accurate, I can’t know. I don’t believe I can tell other people how to live, men or women. If men accepted being in the other position (don’t hold your breath) of course I would accept it. It’s like an insoluble puzzle. When you add the general persecution of women and the discrimination of women to the mix, it is way too far over my head to address in a single piece. I can only relate what I see and feel and as I said in the piece, I have no way of knowing if it is truth for anyone beyond the people I can see. That’s all I can do, and I never tell other people how to live, men or women. I’m not God, as is obvious.
@Goody (&everybody)
Good argument. I think this may be unsolvable, though. Logically or legally, anyway.
But happily, there doesn’t seem an immediate need to make judgements at this time. That’s good because I have _no_ direct personal data, much less info, to go on.
Jon has reported his feelings based on months of interactions with men, women and children. He seems a decent honest person, as much as anybody can be, and from his own words he came into this with a low opinion of the Amish. He’s there in person, active and part of the day-to-day. His reports are actually some of the best 1st person info I’ve had on the Amish. And I’d bet he blogs the “bad and the ugly” as well as “the good”.
I think the jury’s out, but we have a good source “on the ground”.
Rufus
Jon, a great read. Makes sense to me. Resonates. Glad you’re lucky enough to be able to see good and place and write it out for people to see. When they can. Thanks.
It brings to mind “Know the tree by its fruit.”
Cheers,
Rufus
I don’t think you’re truly understanding the cultural problems for women (and men too) in a traditional patriarchal community such as that of the Amish. It’s not that many Amish women aren’t happy and respected within their traditional gender roles; obviously, many are. But what happens to those women who are biologically hard-wired to prefer to partner with other women rather than men? What about cis Puritan women who actually identify more with the men in their communities? What about the male children who secretly know that they love other boys? It’s a vast world out there in terms of gender and sexual identification. If you happen to be a heterosexual who identifies with his or her own cis gender, I’m sure you could be very happy in the Amish community. But what about all the others? That’s what “heteronormative” means: you see the world in terms of traditional gender roles, with nothing else countenanced as a possibility.
Thanks Beverly, but don’t we all hard wire our children to be what we want them to be? I don’t know all the Amish women. As I said, I am sure some of them are unhappy, just as many of the Jewish and Italian women I know are unhappy. Many of these other cultures are also patriarchal means? I understand Queer Theory, but what I don’t know is why is it especially applicable to Amish women only, women who are not respected. I can’t dwell in the world of theory Beverly, I can only write about my world and what I see, not all worlds and what you or others might see. We each have our own story to tell. I appreciate your message..
Well since you and the girl’s dad decided to out them on your blog to the local community as rape and kidnap victims I don’t think you have the best understanding of patriarchy and feminism. You’re still just a reporter looking for something salacious to report. Don’t try to tell us you asked the daughter’s permission.
Marginie, I don’t know you and I can’t pretend to care much what you think of me. Please don’t flatter yourself, I’m not trying to tell you anything. What a waste of time that would be.
You make yourself irrelevant by your nastiness, even as you set yourself up as a person who cares about others. Smells like another hypocrite to me. You and Jackie should get together for lunch. You are both in sync.
I don’t see empathy in your message myself. Just more rage in a raging world. I have no idea what Moise said to his children about permission and have never suggested they did or didn’t give permission. I wasn’t there and neither were you. It’s not my business or yours.
You give understanding a bad name. And by the way, how dare you mention rape? I never did, it was never in my piece, it was not in the book and I have no information about it. Since you pretend to care about these girls so much, perhaps you might consider their privacy and their right to keep information out of the hands of people like you, who care nothing about truth. I am quite certain they didn’t give you permission to speculate on their nightmare.
Dairy cows seem well loved, respected, content, maybe even happy–unaware of the nature of the world or even of their own exploitation. I wouldn’t want to be one. Of course, you have a history of equating women and animals (what a wonderful creature Maria is!), which is perhaps why you praise the Amish women with the same sort of language that you would a prize milker. Her contentment. Her tameness. Her serenity. I don’t expect you to understand how insulting it all is.
Jackie, you obviously know nothing about cows, me, Maria, or an equal and loving relationship. Please cite someplace where cows are described the way you describe them, you obviously don’t know any dairy farmers and you sure don’t know me.
I don’t care to anthropomorphize cows in the way you do, I think they would be astonished to be described as respected and happy, the very last words I would use to describe them.
They are an interesting contrast to you, they are dumb and oblivious, whereas you are mean and oblivious. Amazing what we can learn from them, and how difficult it would be to learn anything from your message except that you are trying so hard to hurt, like a middle school brat shouting at recess in the schoolyard. I’m afraid it’s true, names can never hurt me.
So of course, here you are, spouting off on social media with your intolerance and bigotry, mistaking cruelty for wit. You are just not able to make your point and discuss it… Your comments are offensive and foolish and certainly not persuasive.
You insult me and Maria while accusing me of being insulting, all in the name of pretending to care about somebody. Who, exactly do you think you are fooling? You are fortunate Maria is not near you, I doubt you would have the guts to say that to her face, certainly not twice.
You prove with your foaming that humans are not animals, animals are not ever so wantonly predictable or cruel. Yuk. Hannah Arendt was right, hypocrites are the lowest form of life.
Women who have gone through childbirth know firsthand the experience of carrying a child for nine months and delivering him or her into the world. Men will never understand or know what that is like. They just plant the seed. I would like to sit down with Barbara and ask her what it is like to carry and birth children thirteen or fourteen times over. I gave birth to two children and know the impact this had in my psyche and body. There is a lot of history on the toll and health of women before they were somewhat able to control how many children they wanted to have. I can go along with their roles as Amish women, but I just can’t get past their role of having to bear so many children. And please don’t attack me for not agreeing with you on this. It is only my humble opinion.
Linda, if you would like to talk to Barbara or any Amish woman and ask what it is like to carry her children, you should feel free to ask her, or an Amish woman near you. I did. You don’t need to wonder, they are very open and willing to discuss their ideas and speak about their choices. I’m not the one to ask.
We lived in a very multicultural city (Toronto) for a long time and It was interesting to think about “toleration” of the beliefs of others and what that meant. In a free society, we have to agree to abide by basic rules of living together (no stealing, no murder, etc) and then we have to allow each other the freedom to think differently than ourselves.
In any group, the members that conform to the written and unwritten rules of the group will be OK. They can fit in and be happy. I was raised in a strict religious community and for many years I fit in (pretty much). I did not understand the struggles of those in my community who did not — people who struggled with the faith itself, or people who struggled with sexual and gender issues that were not “allowed”. Over the years my own beliefs changed and now I understand a little better what it means to be rejected for what one believes and who one is.
It’s a tricky issue to think about. Yes, we have to allow people to hold different beliefs than we do. Yes, we can enjoy the beauty and harmony and goodness of a group of people who live together peaceably in shared belief. And yes, we can recognize that on the edges of any group, there is also deep pain associated with the rejection of those unable to live by the beliefs of the group.
I agree with you that these things apply broadly, not just to one group or faith. It’s easy to point to the “wrongs” of any particular group, but then we are just doing what we accuse them of doing — i.e. rejecting others for thinking differently than we do ourselves.
As always, your writing helps me to think about deep and important things, and I appreciate it. Thank you.
Thanks Marianne, posts like yours make it worthwhile and I appreciate them…
I enjoyed your blog post about Amish women. The lifestyle you described was common 150 years ago for most women & men. I think people need to realize that fact. Sadly, there will always be trolls….
Good points Holly, I still remember when there weren’t trolls rampaging through people’s communications, I’ve come to appreciate them in an odd way, they make see the value of people like yourself, who can simply be honest and say what you mean without the middle school name calling.
Beautiful picture Jon, I just love it. I think not truly seeing the faces has much to do with it, there is such peace in these photos of the Amish.
I must say I admire these women so much. They have made their choices to stay in the Amish faith and live this life. Why do so many who wouldn’t do that put these women down? Not everyone wants the same thing. If they have 12 children God bless them and the children turn out bright sweet and smart. Isn’t that worth something to the people who put them down?
Jon, I do not understand why anyone would feel so free to condemn you or the Amish; their anger is palpable and I give you so much credit for publishing their comments. We have a simple philosophy in my recovery culture – that we tend to our own acre, and try to live in a considered, mindful way that doesn’t inflict harm on anyone, and to give service to others where we can. Sounds similar to some Amish concepts that you have shared with us, from your actual experience with them. The values I think of most when I read your posts about the Amish are gentle and service. I look forward to reading more about your friendships and experiences with them.
Thanks, Karla, lovely message and inspiring to me. I think there is a tremendous amount of anger in America now, unleashed by out-of-control media and unethical politicians. I love your idea of tending to our own acre, but social media has changed that dynamic. Everyone believes they have the right to jump in everyone else’s acre.
I print these messages in the service of honesty and because they are good for me to answer. They make me stranger and clearer about myself. Sadly, it’s jut life in America right now.
Our grandmothers and mother’s came out of WW2 tied to the kitchen, cleaning, adoring the man of the house so our soldiers could go back to work. By the time the daughter’s and some sons hit adolescence a deep discontent was developing. Women should have the opportunity for fulfillment and joy too. And if she chooses a mate who shares her joy, all the better.
Some men could not give up the cooking, cleaning, adoration, available “sex” and despite the 70s trainng a lot of young college women in joy and fulfillment’s potential, there were always Phyllis Schafleys who preferred security, not really aware if what they were forsaking. The 70s women studied ancient feminists and got a taste of fulfillment. Their daughters now are doctors, lawyers, artists,run companies, even if they don’t know it’s because of the 70s learning about a better way.
It is not anti feminist to disagree with the choice/cowardice of the Schafley women. They will not be fulfilled tho if some male or other supremacist persuaded them to accept their fulfillment definition.
Robin and Emily are better off if they choose fulfillment and so will the world
(And absolutely a parent commits abuse by publishing sensitive info about a child or even suggesting it. Someone needs enough backbone to confront the parent.
Bob, your knowledge does not match your self-righteousness.
If you had read a word about this, you would know that the parents never published a word about their children and what happened to them. That was done by a police detective who wrote about his investigation, nothing about the girls that required or mandated their permission.
The parents and the girls had nothing to say about the book and no involvement in it, they aren’t quoted and did not participate. The insensitivity comes mostly from people like you who jump to conclusions without bothering to read much or check for any facts and are very brave on Facebook or social media, where they can hide behind their computers and demand that other people be tough. You weren’t there, talked to no one, know nothing. My suggestion for you is to mind your own business and learn about truth and responsibility.. Someone needs enough backbone to confront people like you with their laziness and dishonesty. I volunteer, this is a good place to start. You are welcome to your ideas of what women should be, women are free to make up their own minds. This message is offensive, please don’t post here again.