As you know, I am not fond of unsolicited advice, and rarely give it. But I got a lot of messages this week from people who are deeply and painfully grieving their dogs.
Perhaps the pandemic has made all of us more vulnerable.
I will offer this piece of advice: Dogs don’t live that long. Don’t wait too long to get another dog and love another dog.
Because I wrote a book about grieving for pets – Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die – people often write me when they are grieving the loss of their dogs.
I can’t answer them all.
I have a habit in books and blogs of not telling people what they wish to hear. Going Home was a book that was all about finding and keeping perspective when a beloved dog or cat dies and moving on when you can.
I liked the book a lot, but it didn’t sell well. I don’t think it was the message a lot of people wished to hear, then or now.
I hope they get more than that. They deserve more.
I’m not a fan of the trip across the Rainbow Bridge.
I wish more for my dogs than sitting and waiting for years and then spending all eternity throwing balls for them.
If my dogs are to go anywhere, let it be a place where they can finally live free as dogs and no longer have to bow to the severe limitations placed on them by humans.
This week, I got many letters from people who read Going Home but are struggling mightily with grief and anguish. So intensely that they worry me.
I rarely answer letters about Going Home. I’m not a shrink, and I don’t give medical or psychological advice to people I don’t know or even to people I do know.
I would never diagnose other people I don’t know online, even as many of them think they can diagnose me.
I love dogs; they have brought so much love, friendship, joy, and fun into my love. I can never pay them back for what they have done for me.
At every turn of my life, there is a wonderful dog to mark it. They are responsible for so much of the good that is now a part of my life.
When dogs smile, the world lights up.
I’ve always believed that dogs smile. Zinnia is quiet and sweet, but she has some intense passions. Chasing balls is one; jumping into water is another. I see her smiling when she’s in a pond.
It makes me sad to hear from people who grieve so deeply for their dogs, for months, even years. I am a freak in this, I know.
I think of that little girl I interviewed for Going Home.
She didn’t cry when her beloved chicken died. “I’ll just get to love another one,” she told her mother. Wise kid.
There are so many dogs in this world – millions – who need and want a home. There are so many people in this world – millions – who need to live in one of those homes with one of those dogs.
Life is too short for making dogs into misery, I am grateful for every dog and every minute with them. Why not celebrate that time rather than simply dirge?
I can’t wait to get another one when one of my dogs dies.
A new dog is the most powerful grief killer on the planet, it puts pills to shame. It puts a smile back on my face. My dead dogs fade somewhat into the background, but I never forget them.
We don’t live long, and they don’t live nearly as long as we do. Do the math; if you are going to have dogs in your life, you will see some of them die.
I don’t tell other people what to do, but I do share what I do.
That’s what writers do. I choose to love a dog, not mourn a dog. I balk at hearing too much talk about dogs that have died. I rarely do it or want to do it. It doesn’t make me feel better, and I doubt it does anyone else much good.
I do not go on social media to share my grief when a dog dies.
There are too many people waiting to tell me how sorry they are for my loss, and I don’t trust myself not to go back for more. Grief can be infectious, and it can be addictive.
It’s not my place to tell people to move on. They should move on when they are ready. But I don’t want to dwell for too long in grief. That’s not what any dog would want for their humans if they could share their minds.
When a dog of mine dies, I shed some tears and keep shedding them as long as they are there. Then I get to work looking for another dog, and I have never regretted doing that or felt guilty about it. I am excited, hopeful, and happy when I am looking for a dog.
I can’t wait to find one.
I hope my lost dogs are roaming freely and safely in the wild, having sex, eating revolting things, squabbling once in a while, enjoy their independence, perhaps recalling it in their genes.
If you want to grieve a lot for your lost dog, I’m not sure Going Home is the right book for you, to be honest. Dogs are happiest when they are loving and serving human beings, not when they are drooling on some bridge waiting for me to finally show up.
It’s not about what I need, it’s about what they need. There is enough misery in our world, dogs are not here to add to it, not in my mind.
I always remind myself not to let too much time go by to get another dog when one dies.
You can never get it back.
I have never been a Rainbow Bridge believer. It’s a nice little bit of make believe, but it’s not real. How can I be comforted in something that someone just made up in recent years? I am not exactly where you are in this, but close. You make more sense than imaginary bridges.
You can grieve one dog and love another at the same time! People who judge folks who get a dog very soon, don’t seem to understand the abilities of humans to experience more than one emotion at a time!
I’ve always pictured the “rainbow bridge” idea as my dog running free and when I join I will also get to be my truest, wildest self as well… Without the limitations of a human, adult “proper” society.
I want to be where the wild things are, where my dog is, where the sun, the trees, the water is… ?
Sam, I so agree with you. You were spot on!
Loving a dog is enjoying when they are in total bliss – like that pic of Zinnia. Looks like a greeting card for “Hope you have a day as nice as mine!”
good post, Jon…..and one you are revisiting again. This made me recall an elderly *true* farmer patient I had when I worked at the medical office……..he was a crusty old farmer…….early 80’s and still going strong. tons of animals in his life…..coming and going, being birthed or dying…………he looked at me one day straight in the eye (after having lost one of his many beloved dogs due to old age)…..and said *you know Susan, I always feel God got it wrong when he created horses and dogs………..dogs are the ones that should live to be 30, not horses*. I recall that slice of *wisdom* to this day. Of course he did get a new pup about 2 weeks after that…………
Susan M
Hi Jon, I recently gave my sister a copy of Going Home. Her lab Stella died after 14 years together. She said your book truly brought things into perspective for her and helped her with her grief. Stella Bean died in January and my sister just brought home a corgi pup, she named her Hazel Joy. She sent me a thank you for your book, she said that before reading it she thought she could never love and lose another dog. Hazel Joy has brought much joy and laughter as well as companionship to my sister. Thank you for that book, it has helped me, my sis and several friends find peace when our pets have died.
Hi Jon. I bought Going Home. Thanks to you I have loved my pets (3 dogs and 2 cats) so well that I did not let them suffer pain they had no way to comprehend. And thank you for being a better teacher than you know. I have learned so much from your blog and books about how to live my best life.
I’ve read many of your books & enjoyed them immensely. ‘Going Home’ is one of the best.
It’s honest- and fair. Our dogs deserve for us to be their advocate, and it is never more true than at the end of their lives.
Yes, I’ve grieved and cried when I’ve lost a beloved dog, however, I have loved again & again, and feel that I am richer for the experience. Each & every dog that has come into my life has given me something unique & special. Some make us laugh, some reach & tug at your heart strings, but every single one has a part of me, and I’ve never run out of pieces to give.
Thank you for your writing on this topic. It helps.
I got my first dog almost 16 years ago… He is now almost 18…. every day I get up wondering if he has passed overnight…. each morning I squeeze his face saying ‘yeah, one more day with Lucky’…. I want each day to be one I enjoy with him, I see so many people with old dogs, that are grieving them when they are still alive. I have so benefitted from your books that talk about decisions about when to put a dog down. I have prayed, talked to my vet & many friends ( most regrets are waiting too long, not deciding too early). I am clear on what is best for Lucky vs me. I also promised him that the way I will honor him is to always have a dog in my life.
My brother had to put down one of his dogs on 5/8/21, he emailed me in the morning to let me know & then I saw on Twitter that the Obama’s put down their dog Bo that morning as well. I texted my brother that I pictured Bo & Minnie up in heaven running around in dog heaven having the time of their lives. He said that brought a smile to his face.
Grateful for your experience Jon.
I enjoyed your book Going Home and it was actually helpful when I had to say Good bye & Thank you to my dogs that have passed. Although it did take me a little more time to be emotionally ready to welcome new dogs back in. But when I did my heart was full again. No matter how long we get with our dogs, it will never be long enough. Dogspeed to all the pups we have loved and lost. And thank you for Going Home
I have a different understanding of the rainbow bridge. To me it means a place where my dog feels good again. He can do whatever he wants without pain or fear. It is a comfort to me that is all. I don’t think this place really exists anymore than I believe in heaven. But the idea of it helps to get through the loss.
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Elizabeth, thanks. but I wonder who decides what makes the dog feel good again. My idea is that a dog feels good when he or she can live freely as a dog. Tending to us is not the only thing they love. I think it’s selfish for me to expect my dogs to spend years waiting for me and then get stuck with me for all eternity. That’s just me, you are as likely to be correct as I am. We all have to follow our own paths.
Thank you Jon……a month ago I lost my most beloved lab at 15 yrs old……he took ill suddenly and died with my husband by his side while I was out of town at an agility event w/my two border collies…..he was my heart and soul and I mourn him still…..this being said I have 4 other pups that need and deserve my attention….we all have grieved but move on….for now my current dogs and I live and love each day to the fullest……just as Tucker did when he was with us!
Jon, I think everything is intensified right now in people’s lives because of COVID. Dogs have become an important part of coping with the restrictions placed on our lives over the past year and more due to this virus. You’ve written an honest and direct posting in regard to your book. I admire your directness. It may not be what people want to hear but frankly, grieving a pet, a dog mostly as they are so interactive in our lives is a process most of us go through who love dogs but to never get another dog because of the hurt you experience when they die, is unfortunate. Like you, I believe t he only way to recover from grief is to get another dog when you have the energy to look after it.
Sandy Proudfoot
Jon, I love your last sentence! Makes so much sense. I believe, it is okay to grieve and miss your previous dog(s), but get another dog or at least start looking. It will always do your heart and mind good and most of all, a new little dog will definitely make you laugh.
I’m in total agreement. I was 65 when my last 10 old best pup died from a fall down 2 stairs. It was shocking and bloody. The Vet could do nothing except euthanize. That was at 5 on a Saturday. At 3 on Monday I had a new puppy. Friends said don’t you want time to get over your loss. I said I know what sadness feels like so why stay in it. New pup Barney is the best and about to turn 4.
I personally want to thank you for Going Home, It reminded me that instead of grieving forever for the loss of my beloved dog, I could celebrate the fact that I gave them a wonderful home and life while they were with me. And that the best cure for grief was to move on and get another dog! There has been a long list of dogs in my life and I rejoice in every single one, even the difficult ones! I shed tears over each one when they died, but now I look back at the wonderful memories I have of them and smile.
My husband and I have had many dogs, separately and together. We grieve for the lost ones that we’ve loved so much but, within a week or two, we’re looking for another rescue pup. We’ve rescued so much love over the years and that love has rescued us many times over. Our dogs are family … in the house or running around, sleeping on the couch or on the bed, it doesn’t matter to us! Not grieving a lot does not mean forgetting! We laugh over memories every day!!!
I basically agree with you, but I think for many people, the experience of the pandemic puts a new spin on grief in general and dog grief specifically. Like many people, I knew a number of people who have died or got very ill in the pandemic. I also lived alone in lockdown for over a year with my dog, partly because my workplace closed down and went remote and partly to protect the very elderly who are part of my life. It was a long grinding lonely year. And then my pup died just as spring (and the vaccine) came. I don’t believe in the rainbow bridge but I do believe circumstances matter. Depending (perhaps) on where you live and how deeply tied you are to vulnerable communities, this year has made for some extraordinary circumstances for lots of people and their dogs.
Choose joy. It is rare that people who have dogs let them be dogs. Dogs are ambassadors of joy. Too many people hang their issues upon their dogs, sometimes even transferring them to the dog. I grieve. But I don’t stop the joy. Dogs should not be cast as talismans for all of the trauma and upset of our lives. That is a heavy burden for them to carry. They will try to do it, but let dogs be dogs. Let them hand out sunshine and love. Loyalty and compassion. Often such grief is an exorcism of all that life casts upon us. So I agree. Miss them. But love another too.
I have had some dogs who seem to be old souls; so I like to think that when they die their spirit goes on to inhabit another dog for another go-round in life. It’s my childish pleasure to imagine that we’ll all meet up again someday.
There is no one way to get a dog – choose the way that is right for you. You have always said this, and I am taking it to heart after losing my sweet border heeler last April. i had been set on taking in only second hand dogs, but will now soon be welcoming a border collie puppy, since our second hand border collie (Redd, after your Red) is easily intimidated. It seems like the best choice, and I am at peace with it, Thank you for sharing with us all of these years.
Great post. Like many people my family lost our beloved Belle to cancer last month. It seems so many people we know have lost dogs this spring. We were sad and shed some tears because we miss her presence in our life but we did not mourn. We talked about all the smiles she brought us and the next day I started looking at the shelter listings to start figuring out what kind of dog we would like next. I don’t know when we will get our next dog but we are having a ball looking and deciding. We’ll know when we see the right one!
I loved this post. It said what I have been trying to say for a long time and not only about animals. I told my friends that when I pass they are not to grieve me too long. It’s okay to miss me but don’t waste life longing for what’s past. Spend that love and friendship on those who are there to appreciate it. I’ve been blessed to have a few amazing dogs in my life and some that were memorable for completely different reasons. I’ve loved them all. I tell stories about the great or silly things they did, but I don’t mourn their loss. I’ve got new companions who are building up my reservoir of stories to share. Life goes on.
I like the simple wisdom of the girl you interviewed…it reminds me of something my 5year old granddaughter said to her dad as they climbed Ampersand Mtn. together last week, “The black flies are biting me but it’s okay…I will grow back!”
I asked a priest friend of mine if he thought dogs went to heaven. “I don’t know,” he said,”but I will when I get there.” I begged him to be sure to send me a sign if he made it before me. It has been ten years since Father died, and I haven’t heard a peep. I like to think the only reason is that he is too busy playing with them all.
Maybe you’re not looking in the right places. I truly believe he has the ability to message you.
Godspeed & be happy. ?