Some people and many corporations got rich during the pandemic, a lot of politicians gained by doubting it and politicizing it, most ordinary people suffered.

That seems to be the story of the history of humans on earth, rich people screwing poor people.

They always seem to do it and get away with it, and a lot of poor people just expect it, so they don’t even bother to fight except sporadically and in violent bursts.

The poor suffered the pandemic in much greater numbers than the rich, so the rich people just pretended it wasn’t real and went about their business.

Their parents and grandparents died hard and alone, people were separated from their families,  kicked out of work,  working women and housewives bore the brunt of caring for children who had to be home.

I suffered so much less than most, but I had some loss also. More than anything my connection to my granddaughter Robin stalled and fizzled., as I suspected it would.

People who deny that loss are kidding themselves, I think.

You can’t get close to children you can’t see as a rule. At least, I can’t. I last saw Robin in person at the Bronx Zoo last year, the very day before most of the country went into lockdown.

She was kind of grumpy that day, she wanted to be carried by her parents, who were working to break her of that habit.

We had some sweet moments on the Merry-Go-Round just me and her. I could feel a connection then, there was nothing to distract her.

We did some Facetime and Zooming, but it quickly lost the magic for each of us. I sent books and toys and movies and music, shirts and sneakers, art supplies and magic kids, Dracula costumes, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles dolls and books.

I sent her presents every week. But it wasn’t the same.

I found both Zoom and Facetime to be cold and crude, nothing remotely like the warmth and connection of human contact, especially with children. I made my dutiful weekly calls, and Emma made sure Robin made hers, but I could feel the connection slipping away.

I just had to accept it, which I have. We are simply not going to see each other much, each of us has full and happy lives.

When we went to the Zoo, Maria and I had a private meeting with some Penguins, we loved it,  and they were fun, they loved pulling people’s coats down off the rack and trying to eat them if they could. Robin was too young for the private penguin session.

When we left, I remember hugging Robin for a long time by the Giraffe exhibit. I bought her some stuffed animals but I don’t remember which ones.

Last month, she and Emma went to the Zoo and had an amazing encounter with a gorilla, I was supposed to be there, but got sick.

So we rescheduled it for tomorrow, Mother’s Day. Robin wants to meet her gorilla friend again. I expect to be surprised by how she looks, a year is a long time for a four-year-old, she will be five soon.

The Zoo only accepts a limited number of visitors now, we have our tickets for noon. We’re leaving at 8 a.m. and I’ve rented a motel room halfway back so we don’t get worn out by the driving.

We’re meeting at the gorilla exhibit.

Emma called in a panic Friday to say a kid in Robin’s pre-school had tested positive for the virus.  She wasn’t sure if Robin could go.

Today, Robin tested negative, the trip is on.

Then the world went upside down.

I suspect the problem of staying close was me more than Robin, although, over the months, she got more easily distracted from the calls, and wandered off to play with something or do something.

I’m just not good at faking conversation and cheerfulness and pretending we were together. I just hate to bite the bullet, I decided, I wasn’t going to fight a reality that big.

Neither, I think, was she that good at faking it, and why should she be? Emma kept bugging her to talk longer with me, and pay attention,  but I don’t like the idea of forcing her to do what isn’t natural. That isn’t bonding.

It has to revive itself or not.

Something was lost last year, and tomorrow, I’ll have a better sense of whether or not it can be restored, and how soon. I don’t imagine spending a lot of time in New York City this coming year, and it’s very hard for Emma and Jay to get up to the farm.

We’ll see. I’m bringing her a bracelet with buttons on it and some love. There is a lot of love in all this, but I don’t value unconditional love. Love to me is highly conditional. I have to work at it and earn.

I don’t think we’ll get to see the penguin again.