It might surprise some people that I’m selling my almost brand new e-bike – all $3,500 of it – as soon as the weather clears. I imagine the store where I bought it will take it back and sell it for me.

I was doing a video exam with my primary care-taker this morning, and we went over my health and exercise and my good heart, and my excellent blood sugar numbers.

She remembered all the drama around my new e-bike Betty, which was so unnerving for me that it sent me back into therapy.

She is one of those health care providers that listens and pays close attention and considers the person and the data.

She said she was pleased I was exercising every day, and it looked from my cardiac rehab and another lab reports that I was doing well.

I said I planned on getting back on the bike as soon as it got warmer and the snow and ice had melted.

I said I was still a bit wary of the bike, and I stared at it intensely as I went past its winter post in the living room. I fell off the bike one of the last times I tried riding it, which brought up some old stuff. And I never felt completely at ease riding it.

“So, Jon,” she  said, “have you given any thought to selling the bike?”

I was surprised by the question. I hadn’t given any thought to selling the bike.

I did notice that some of my doctors were not wild about my riding on an e-bike, especially after I fell off it and was nearly bumped off the highway by a big truck soon after.

It all came together for me. This is really not who I am.

I had worked so hard to learn it and figure it out and buy a lot of accessories for it – new pedals, mirrors, gloves, caps and cables, even a $400 bike carrier for the back of the car. I arranged for a lesson in how to push those buttons that activated the three levels of support.

I’d taken lessons, experimented with the settings, tried getting on and off it from different angles. It never felt quite right to me. I’d work on it more in the Spring, I told myself.

Then the winter stopped my riding, and the bike moved into the living room near the front door until Spring.

When I bought the bike, I was just about to get my second surgery and I thought the bike would be a great way to exercise and take care of my heart.

After the surgery, I went into cardiac rehab and also joined a local gym.

I started exercising at the gym every day and enjoyed it. There are a lot of kids at the gym, and kids don’t even see old people, let alone bother them.

I like the sense of anonymity.

Sometimes I walk up a nearby hill when I’m home. In extreme weather, I go to the gym, which I have unexpectedly come to love. Most weeks, I go there five or six times a week.

I don’t wear sneakers or special pants; I just walk in with my regular clothes, wipe my machine down and either ride or walk on the treadmill for 30 to 40 minutes.

I told Maria what Amy had said, and she agreed instantly and completely. “You love going to the gym; you are doing everything you said you wanted to do on the bike.” Besides, she said, the bike is heavy, and every time I rode it, the two of us would have to help get the bike onto the rack. It’s true, that isn’t something I could do alone.

She’d have to help me get the bike on the car, get it off the car, when we got to a safe place away from traffic, get it back on again, and then off at home and into the garage.

The gym is simple for me. I thought that with the bike, I’d be working through many issues I had with my father about my lack of interest in sports, especially basketball and baseball. He wanted me to sign up for them both; he thought I was a sissy for avoiding sports.

I’ve moved past that. My father ought to rest in peace; he did the best he could, as I am. I want to leave it there. It’s time to let the past go, there’s nothing in it for me, and I am living more and more in the day.

I’m also getting more comfortable with myself. I like the idea of looking for things that bring joy, not worry. Exercise brings me joy, my big and expensive bike doesn’t.

This week, I’ll call the bike store and offer them the bike for sale and see what I can get for it. It’s in wonderful shape; it’s hardly been used at all.

And I’m in pretty good shape as well. I told my therapist today that I was thinking of selling the bike; I really didn’t need it any longer.  I’m taking care of myself in other ways. When I want to take a walk in the country, I’ll get Zinnia into the car and we’ll drive over to a nice road, and just get out and walk.

I don’t need to spend thousands of dollars to do that. And I am not one of those people dying to go pay to go on e-book treks overseas. That’s not for me either.

I realized riding Betty just isn’t my thing. And that’s okay.

I apologized to her this afternoon. Sorry, I said, you deserve to be riding somebody around who really wants you. You’re kind of special.

I think the bottom line for me is that I’m getting more comfortable with myse. I don’t need to try to be somebody else for someone else.