“Nothing among human things has such power to keep our gaze
fixed ever more intensely upon God than friendship.” — Simone Weil.
In my lengthening life, I have not been blessed to have deep friends in my time on the Earth, and as my time on the earth is much closer to ending than beginning, I am embracing my idea of radical acceptance and accepting who I am, and who I cannot be.
I attribute this to the mental illness I grappled with for so many years, and perhaps still do. I think I understand what friendship can be, at least from my readings.
Friends are a cool river to plunge in when we are on fire.
Friends are people who cannot save you but will be whatever you need as long as you need. Friends can’t live for you, but honest friends are doorways to our souls, and loving friends are the soft rugs beneath our feat. The root of the word friendship is German and means “place of high safety.”
I think that what is happening is that I am beginning to understand what friendship is beause I’ve never really had it in my life until Maria, and therefore I can see it more clearly because it’s at a distance from me.
I’ve tried to find friends like this, and most have run away from me, or shattered their own lives far beyond my ability to help, or lied to me, or just gone away and avoided me.
One of the things I love and appreciate about being older is that I am finally understanding who I am, and yes, who I am not. I’ve practiced radical acceptance for some years now, and it has freed me from yearning, envy and nostalgia.
I am myself, I am who I am.
I embrace change, but I don’t really see the fundamental core of me changing much from now to the end of my life. I love the idea of rebirth, but I don’t believe anyone can really change who they are.
The spiritual people say this friendship, this “place of high safety” can open us up to God.
Cicero said “a friend is a second self.”
Maria has become my closest and dearest friend, my second self, my place of high safety. I think that has liberated me from wanting or needing more, and taught me to accept what I have, which is more than I ever believed I could have.
I have so much: my work, my love, my animals, my writing, my pictures, my farm, my blog, even a beating heart again. Honestly, there is no room for too much else. I feel full, content, I have what I need and more.
And bear with me when I stop here, because isn’t it important to know what you need, and need no more? Isn’t that the path to wisdom and peace of mi
I read once that there can be no greater or simpler ambition than to be a friend, yet I think my ambition has been to accept that there are other paths to meaning and fulfillment.
In recent years, I’ve pursued three or four friendships, and all of them have evaporated for different reasons. I make people nervous, or I run away, I can’t avoid responsibility for it, I’ve known that for years, disturbed people often do push people away or run from them.
But I’ve never been more accepting of myself or more comfortable with me than I am now. Friendship of the second self kind is not going to come to me in this world, and it feels fine, better than fine. It feels like me.
No one, surely not me, can live up to their image of themselves, or to other people’s image of me.
Life took me away from those places and experiences where people form deep and lasting friendships. To be honest, I don’t really know if I will be alive long enough to form such a relationship, nor do I know how a real friend might fit into my life, which is complicated enough.
Real friendships take up a lot of space. And life is never simple or black and white. We get some of what we want, but never all of what we want.
I have seen this imaginary friend in my dreams, where words can’t reach him. We open our windows to one another. We ask again and again for the privilege of asking “Who are you?”, and cried together when our grandmothers died.
My friend is an honest friend, I can dump my heart out to him, and him to me, and there is no judgment, argument, he always makes me feel that I am worth something.
I find that these are things I don’t need to dream about, I get into bed with them every night. This is a kind of wealth that gives me nothing but everything.
I don’t need to dream about him any more, he is a she and I can just roller over and touch her, and she will know where my heart is and why it is beating so hard.
Breathe freely, and safely, and make a vow to share this experience whenever we are together.
Honest introspection is difficult. As I get older, I find I’m a bit better at it than I was, but it’s still hard. My younger years were spent with devastating insecurities, which I hid well from the world (I think)- or at least attempted to. As time goes on, I wonder if it wasn’t blatantly obvious to everyone but me.
I also suffered from psychological issues, severe panic attacks for many years, which thankfully appear to have lessened as I become healthier.
Based on my conversations with Maria a few years ago, there are many similarities as to when & how I met my husband, and how we moved from a beautiful, expensive property, to a home we chose & worked on together, making it our own, and an extension of the life we live with our 4 dogs.
I had a wonderful counselor (from Cambridge) who taught me to stop shorting myself and how to steer clear from the toxic relationships that I had habitually entered into. She taught me that if I felt comfortable around someone I had just met, that I shouldn’t walk away, I should run like hell. Her point was that I had become so accustomed to the toxicity, it was all I knew. I had to ‘UN-learn’ it.
Fortunately, I truly wanted changes in my life, and I followed her advice. The result was that I’ve been happily married now for over 11 years and I can’t imagine going back to the way I used to live.
I truly relate to your writings about your life with Maria, and the blessings that have filled your life, and I know others do as well.
Because of that they like you. From your beautiful descriptions of friendship, to your introspection on how difficult it has been for you, I wonder if it comes down to the simple observation, which you’ve often made, that you’ve never felt that you were liked, or deserved to be. From the traumas of childhood, to the excruciating pain of failed marriages in adulthood, so many spend their lives in misery and hurt.
My heart smiles that you have found that one beautiful relationship that changed things from heartache to optimism and acceptance. It only takes one of these life changing relationships- we don’t need more- although I have spoken to people who have lost a spouse to death that have found that love a second time. Most don’t, but perhaps those that have will never short themselves again, having had it all & knowing it can exist allows them to experience it again.
The work it takes to change our own lives is ongoing, the introspection can be painful- and have no doubt, it is work, and most wont do it. The efforts you have made are why you now have this- the creativity, the ability to recognize the beauty all around us, the enjoyment of a game of Monopoly, the respect for the creatures we share our lives with, the swelling of your heart that comes from a glance or a touch from the one we love. You have worked and earned this, and the gift of sharing your writing can & will inspire others.
You don’t need numerous friends for fulfillment, however, it’s important to realize that many people will ‘like’ you for exactly who you are, and many of them can bring additional experiences & wonder to our lives. We should not view them as ‘wrong’ for doing so. So many times we do not connect with others because they don’t see the flaws that we know are there, therefore THEY are flawed. We then push them away or keep them at arms length.
Like you, I have very few close friends. My husband and my roommate from college are really the only two. I have many acquaintances, and some of them bring great joy, but i have found that it’s rare to find the type of friendship that is based on intimacy & respect, and that results in the linking of two souls forever. But that shouldn’t keep us from accepting that others will ‘like’ us, and that many happy hours can result from allowing them into our lives, even if it’s on a limited basis.
Thank you for sharing your hope, your kindness, and the many wonders you have encountered on your journey through life. Reading your work allows me to stop & think, and it often serves as a reminder to stay on the path that I have chosen- which is to appreciate each day, to be thankful for the love I have in my life, to keep my inner creativity alive, and to be generous with my gifts with those who are hurting or in need.
You are an outstanding role model, showing us that small gifts of kindness can forever change lives and a constant reminder of why it is so important to do so.
To paraphrase a wise fellow: “You are the friend you’ve been looking for.”
I can relate to this as well. My best friend is my partner and I have one other friend. We never see each other. We just text. When I was younger, I had many friends. Now, I find I don’t want to spend the energy cultivating and maintaining a friendship. I prefer to live quietly focused on my interests. I have accepted this change. If I did not have a partner, I believe I would seek friendship again. I find I have limited energy outside of my solo pursuits. I am very comfortable being alone connecting with animals, nature, the universe, reading, writing…
Thank you for sharing your life with us Jon.
A British archeologist told me about working at a site in No.Africa with others archeologists from around the world. He said after a while it became clear that, and they were stumped that, the Americans had a hard time making friendships; they were friendly, outgoing but did not share themselves.
I too felt it difficult to form friendships, partly because I felt so much ” less than” anyone else. And lacked social skills that seemed to come naturally to others. But I was willing to listen to people and keep confidences safe. And so occasionally one person would trust me and make me their friend. And then I heard someone say that to have a good friend I needed to be a good friend. So I continued to listen and be trustworthy, and a few very special people have befriended me one by one, over the course of my life. And I learned to trust them as they did me. Anyone untrustworthy was let go of. Several are no longer living, but each one taught me something. I am truly blessed but I am still not a “social” person, and I am lucky to be loved just as I am. I’m grateful for the quality of my few friends and don’t desire quantity. I am happy that Maria is such a trustworthy friend to you.
Nice to know you are at a place of acceptance with your life and that Maria fills you. If nothing else, COVID has brought us to reflection of our lives and it’s often said that can make or break your relationships. I had that similar feeling in the past, only it was with regard to having a grandchild to love. It may not be my fate to become a grandmother because I too don’t have much time to be so. But I have found in my life the more I accept what does or does not happen, the more I am peace filled. My meditation teaches me not to try to control what I have no control over and to live in the day, not the past, nor the future. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing a side of you that many of us can relate to.