My anxiety over the e-bike sent me back into therapy, and it was a good idea. I haven’t talked to this therapist for 10 years, and we picked up right where we left off.

She is awfully smart and direct, and I get away with nothing. I credit her, along with Maria, and maybe Rose, for saving my life.

We began exploring my fears about exercising and my confusion about how to take care of my body.  For various reasons, I never learned much when I was a child, and one thing I never learned was how to take care of myself.

I got away with it for a long time, but as I enter my seventh decade, taking care of one’s body takes on a whole new meaning – my heart has made that clear. I have a lot to live for, and I have a lot to say.

All my life, I’ve avoided gyms and the idea of formal exercise; when I exercised at all, it was walking, which I love to do. I can always tell when my heart is acting up when it becomes difficult to walk.

I tried joining a gym in my town after my open-heart surgery, but it didn’t work for me. I quit after a few months.

I apologize to my heart every time I exercise and pledge to do better by it.

Open heart surgery and two catheterization procedures have given me my walking back. And there is helping me to knock down some of the barriers to health and recovery.

Heart disease is not curable, only controllable.

And the therapy continues to open me up, as it did ten years ago. I have a wonderful rapport with this therapist, and I trust her.

I think almost anyone can benefit from therapy, none of us are perfect, and it has helped me conquer anger, fear, disconnection and delusion.

But I’m complicated, I guess, and there is always more work to do. I no longer lie to myself, or hopefully, anybody else.

My therapist has encouraged me to look at some of the barriers to my being healthy, to make these decisions my own. I am already learning and changing.

I know almost everybody reading this knows that exercise is good for the soul and the body. I didn’t know that; I thought I could get by writing, taking photos, and being on the farm. I always thought exercise would be unhealthy for me.

That comes from having a father who meant well but wasn’t very nice to me.

Yesterday, I passed by a gym on my way home from cardio rehab. It’s about a half-hour from the farm. I pulled over and went in. Membership was shockingly inexpensive.

I loved talking with the manager; I signed up on the spot. The place is clean, has all of the equipment I need, and is very quiet early in the morning and late afternoon.

Five minutes after I joined, I was exercising.

I declined joining the older men’s daily stretching class. I like to exercise alone. I brought the new Tana French mystery but didn’t get to read it.

I went to the locker room, put away my jacket, and got right on the bike. I pedaled for 36 minutes, upping the level every five minutes, listening mostly to Leonard Cohen and Alison Krauss.

It’s important that I not overdo this, as I have a habit of doing. My therapist is coaching me to be moderate, patient and make sure it’s fun.

There’s an arm strengthening machine, and I worked on that for 15 minutes.

Then I came home and took a nap. I guess I didn’t quite grasp that it feels good to exercise; it is calming and releases all kinds of good endorphins. It’s still too soon to get on my bike, I’m told.

In addition to cardiac rehab, which will last through November, I’m walking up a nearby hill every morning and going to the new gym two or three times a week. I really enjoyed it; perhaps for the first time in my life, I enjoyed a gym of any kind.

I appreciate the chance to learn and grow and to be reminded that there is help, and that help helps.