“Hold fast to dreams, For if dreams die, Life is a broken-winged bird, that cannot fly.” – Langston Hughes

I didn’t realize it, but for the past few months I had entered a strange state of discouragement, I felt especially old, I thought life was catching up with me.  I wondered how much energy I would have.

Walking in the woods was hard for me in the heat, and I felt I was losing some of my spirits.

I was sick, but I didn’t notice, as usual. And I was down, which I didn’t notice either. Maria did, she wasn’t sure what to say.

I felt old as if I was entering the final phase of my life, I was giving up on some things I loved – walking with Maria in the woods – walking with Zinnia on the road. I gave up book writing and felt somewhat lost. At times, I just nodded off, like the elderly people I see in my volunteer work often do.

I didn’t realize it, but a major artery to my heart was blocking up, my heart muscle was weakening due to the lack of blood, what I attributed to aging was really heart disease, something different. My heart was just not getting enough blood.

Oddly, none of this affected my writing, which was as exciting and satisfying to me as ever. I never once thought of slowing it down or giving it up.

I was sick, and my heart was in trouble. It was not as serious as the disease that led to my open heart surgery.  I could hardly breathe then.

My heart is actually strong and in good shape, but the arteries that feed it were struggling.

I was losing my dreams, and like so many others in our culture, just attributed it to getting older, a death trap is there ever was one. The tests showed my heart was strong, but some critical arteries were night.

Monday, I underwent cardio-catheter treatment, a stent was inserted into the blocked vessel, and it was very successful. The surgeon said he was delighted by how well I did. I said I didn’t do a thing but lie there.

A lot of blood that I was missing is now pouring back into the heart, saving the muscle, and changing the way I was feeling.

The surgeon was very happy with the surgery, and while rooting around in my heart, he found another major valve that had been blocked up and left behind during my open heart surgery.

He said he thought he could fix that one too, and give me 100 percent open arteries. It was a more complex operation, I had to be in a different hospital for at least two days.

A major change in my health and life is underway, more to come.

This week, I felt a great change come over me. Today, I got up early and walked down the road. This afternoon, I walked with Zinnia on a hill nearby, I felt no pain or tightness or angina, we just walked right up the hill the way Maria and I and the dogs have done 1,000 times. I didn’t need to stop.

This morning, I met for an hour with my nurse practitioner, Amy Eldredge, and we had the most exciting talk about the next chapter for me. I realized that part of my sluggishness and disconnection was physical, my heart was struggling to get the blood it needed.

We talked about the heart, about nutrition, losing some weight, how the aging body interacts with diabetes. I love Amy, she is warm, open, and honest, this is the health care everyone deserves to get.

She said for the next couple of months, my life would be filled with doctors, but that would ease. I felt strong and healthy after talking to her.

We talked about the next chapter for me, how I got my heart and spirits back.  She said no bike riding until Saturday at the earliest.

She thought the next round of surgery was a good idea. She cautioned me that the surgery was intense and I was tired and needed to take it easy for a few days.

I didn’t think to tell my cardiologist about this loss of spirit until the engine pain increased and I was getting drowsy in the morning, something that had never happened before.

She ordered tests right away and got me into surgery in the next week. I don’t know how she knew, but she did know it was my heart.

Oddly, I got my e-book before the surgery and wondered if I should wait, but I’m so glad I didn’t.

I loved riding my bike even before the operation, I am eager for the next chapter of my life. We live in a time of miracles when doctors can rebuild my heart in this way.

Today, Zinnia and I walked up the hill near my house, something I had to give up on. Maria had a belly dancing class today, I drove to Saratoga to a fish market and bought fresh scallops, salmon, crab meat, and lobster salad.

We had a lovely lunch.

I made her dinner when she got home. I was excited to tell her that life is very different when your heart is not getting enough blood, and then again when it is.

She was very happy to hear me talk, she loves that my spirit is back and full of energy and ideas.

I am excited to have my life and energy back and grateful. I am bursting with plans and ideas.

Tomorrow, I hope to get on the bike for a mile or two. I’ve decided to enroll in Cardiac Rehab for four weeks and start the process of a healthy me. I am psyched.