I share my experiences with fear in the hope that I can make sense of it and others may take something from it. It’s also good for me to write about it, that’s how I have always worked things out in my life.

Yesterday, I spoke with my therapist about the fears that seem to be associated with exercise and my new e-bike.

I am 73 and have heart disease and diabetes 2, both are under very good control.

But I’ve never really paid attention to my body or really cared for it in a regular way. This is mostly the reason I had open heart surgery in 2014.

That is something that will surely get a person’s attention.

I should say my athleticism and bedwetting and attitude about sports was a source of bitter conflict between my father and me, it destroyed our relationship, which we never were able to recover.

When I bought this bike, it triggered waves of awful and frightening memories, and I decided it was time to take this issue on and do better.

I have a lot to live for, and I want to get this right. All of my life, I’ve ignored exercise or tried doing it in gyms or stationary bikes.

I don’t like exercising in that way, I always drop it. I want to be outside and moving.

My therapist is the therapist who got me through my nervous breakdown. I haven’t talked to her in some years, but we re-connected as if we talked all the time.

She gets to the point, as I do.

I told her about my anxiety about the bike, but also the awful childhood memories of chronic bed-wetting and my battles with my father about that and his desire for me to be an athlete.

We hadn’t talked about that before, I rarely think of that nightmare time.

I was terrified of my gym class in school and anything physical. I came to see my body as shameful and repulsive.

I am also very happy in my life and would like to stick around as long as is healthy and feasible.

The therapist surprised me by pointing out that these were trauma symptoms, my father and my bedwetting had traumatized me and left me feeling ashamed about wetting the bed, which he saw as a character flaw.

He was angry that I refused to join or try out for a sports team. More than once, he urged me not to be a sissy. I basically stopped talking to him when I was eleven, and that turned out to be okay with both of us.

I also had frequent accidents in school, which angered the teachers and made me a target for most of the children.

My therapist said I needed to make the bike riding mine, and not my father’s. It has nothing to do with him, she said, and I need to remind myself of that.

She said I should go slowly, three or four times a week for up to 20 minutes.  And keep it soft and fun for months.

She cautioned me against pushing myself too much or thinking that I had to top my mileage all the time.

Take it slow, she said.  Make it yours.

She also suggested buying a bike rack so I could ride the bike to quiet and open spaces where I would be free to learn the settings and get more comfortable. I have ordered one.

She said riding on a busy road would just make me nervous and keep me from focusing on how to use the bike.

Getting the bike – and speaking to her yesterday – helped me to see how deep and painful a trauma this was for me, I never thought of it that way.

I cried on the phone with her. I shocked myself at the depth of feeling coming up about those early days..

Then I went for a bike ride, just a few miles, to a nearby park with a quiet entrance drive. I was anxious and tight and had trouble getting started, but I was fine once I did.

This is something I need to face and want to face. I liked her idea about taking it slow for months, if not permanently. At 73, I have nothing to prove to the world. I just want to take care of my body at a time when it really matters.

I’m not looking to enter any races or move on to the Olympics. I want my heart to be strong, my body to be leaner and I want to move forward with my life and ride this bike for as long as it is possible.

I want to shed the ghost of my father and learn to like my body. I have another appointment with my therapist next week. This make require a few sessions.

The bike already seems like it’s worth it to me.