About 12 years ago, when I was descending into the darkness, my angel came to me one morning, she was sitting on a stone wall next to the big red barn outside the first Bedlam Farm.
I had spent the morning in bed, so depressed I could barely move. I had decided that week that this was how I was going to die, alone and miserable and scared.
I had pretty much given up on life.
The angel had a kind of haughty air about her, and she was often impatient with me.
“You’re a mess,” she said, “but since you need to try a lot harder to get better, you can have one thing you really want. Think about it carefully because you will not get another chance.”
My angel and I had a love/hate kind of thing going, she wanted the best for me, but I’m not sure she liked me all that much, and if she did, she didn’t show it.
She said I was one of her biggest pains in the ass and that I had refused to accept help for almost all of my life. I think she thought humans were a lost cause.
I thought about it for a whole day and night.
The next morning, she was back on the stone wall, smoking a thin black cigar. She had a lot of character.
I told her I wanted someone to love, and someone who would love me and get me, someone I needed, and someone who needed me.
“I want to walk hand in hand through the rest of my life with this person, I can see her in my head but I don’t have a name.”
It didn’t matter if she was broken too, I said, we will get unbroken together.
The angel put her hand on my head and closed her eyes, and being an angel, she saw what was inside my soul.
Then she stood up and went away, as she was wont to do.
Two days later, I went to a farm down the road looking for an old barn window to replace one I had that broke.
A scraggly, short woman – she was younger than me and so thin she had chicken bones, I thought – answered the door and said she recognized me.
The first words she ever said to me were “I’ve never read any of your books.”
And you, I thought, look like you’ve been in a concentration camp. It turned out was doing the grueling physical labor of home restoration, I saw the artist in her right away, I can’t say why. I saw that the artist needed to come out and live.
She had a big and ferocious dog with her, Frida, who instantly set out to try and kill me. She and Frieda were both man-haters, it turned out, neither had any use for them.
But I called her a few weeks later and invited her out to lunch. I had never spoken to anyone that easy to talk with, it felt as if we had known each other all of our lives.
I suppose I fell in love right then and there, I didn’t know it then, but looking back, it seems obvious.
We were both married at the time and had no thoughts of divorce. We became best friends.
Two years later, neither of us was married.
When I started taking photos, she called me every night to encourage me and tell me the photos were good. When she was terrified of trying to sell her potholders, I ran out naked in the snow with a wizard hat to get her to laugh. She called me the Show Your Art Guru.
When she showed up with a pocket full of treats to help me care for the animals, she cried, and she could not say why. I think they were tears of joy.
When I told her I loved her and she said nothing and went off to see the sheep, I put a note on her car, it said: “I’ll wait.” And I did wait. And then, one day, in that lonely and remote place, she did come to me, and the sun came out and shone right on me.
And her dog decided not to kill me and we became good pals.
Two years after that, ten years ago, we got married in the same barn where the angel sat. Today is our wedding anniversary.
The angel chose wisely and well. Maria was what was in my head (maybe not quite so emaciated) and the very best thing that happened to me in my entire life.
Love just filled me up like a birdbath in a thunderstorm.
We were both broken, we did help to heal each other, we walk through life together. We are always there for one another, always fighting for one another, always encouraging and supporting each other.
And perhaps most important, we trust each other more than we have ever trusted anyone else in the world
Maria was a sad and shy girl when I met her, she is not a sad or shy girl now.
When I met her, she dreamt one day of being an artist again, she was wasting away wanting it.
She is an artist now, full of love for me, the dogs, the sheep, spiders and plants, donkeys and songbirds, friends, and every tree, plant, bug, rodent, or flower.
And I was able to fatten her up just a bit. She doesn’t look like a concentration camp victim anymore.
We had both lost our families in different ways, we became family to one another. Being loved is different from not being loved. It changes one’s life, it pulled me out of myself and taught me how to give, not receive, to listen, not just talk.
I had someone to be strong for, to heal for, to live for. This, I learned, was the best medicine on the earth.
Maria was one click away from being homeless when I met her, and I was one click away from being dead. Look at us now, I said when we woke up this morning, wrapped around one another like a bacon-wrapped sausage.
Everything that is good in my life flowed from our coming together, I was reborn and began to live the life I was meant to live and wanted to live.
Our years together have often been difficult, but always rich and always rewarding.
She was and is my miracle, this complex, sometimes moody, sometimes touchy, always loving, and brilliant artist of great passion and skill. Her studio is her sacred space, bursting with energy, ideas, the birthplace of so many beautiful things.
We both have seen the great pain in the other, from grief to fear to heart surgery and bankruptcy. I lost my book writing world, she lost almost everything in her life.
I got my writing back through my blog, she got her life back as an artist. We were always there to cheer each other on and laugh and love one another. We always will be.
As I get older, she keeps a watchful eye on me, always ready to help, always protecting my dignity. I know it will be all right.
Neither one of us had ever been happier, or, to be honest, happy at all.
Because of the Pandemic, we couldn’t go away today. But places are opening up around here.
I made reservations at one of our favorite places in the world, an inn in Vermont, and we will go there next week for a one-night celebration of our marriage and of our love for each other.
My angel doesn’t come around much anymore, but I think she came to see me in a dream the other night. She was sitting on our back porch, smoking one of her skinny cigars and looking pretty hot.
“Looks like it’s going fine,” she said, looking smug. “Don’t forget to book a room somewhere – it’s the little things.”
And the angel was gone. She knows all of this, of course, she was just taking a bow.
So I got on the phone and made the reservation, learning all about the strange new security profiles in place.
Happy Anniversary, wonderful person, I love you more every single day. I don’t deserve you, but I’ll take it anyway.
I got to thinking that perhaps the angel is Maria, an angel could make that happen.
One day I’ll run out of room for all this love, and I’ll just explode.
I can’t love this enough! Happy anniversary from Ohio! ?❤️?????
Beautiful words and love story
I am quietly weeping, then smiling, in turn. Right now I am smiling. My second husband of 42 years, is golfing. I m sitting on our open porch, reading my Email, starting with your love song letter to Maria. It puts into words all my thoughts about my Craig.
We did not realize right away what wrecks we were. It took us years to learn this and start healing together–we could never have done this alone. Meanwhile he helped raise my 2 children, go to graduate school together, survive my son’s death.
Now, aged 76 and 83 we rest in a good place and I don’t just mean our loved home. How much have you and Maria helped I’ll never know, but a great deal I suspect. Right now I look at 4 of her potholders on the kitchen alcove wall. We will never use them. I say jokingly ” I wish she would make some ugly ones which we could use!”
Anyway, I won’t make you read a long screed. Just know my deep thanks to you. One man’s journey is the world’s journey, put into words which all can read.
the most beautiful love note I have ever read. I hope in my life to find someone fill in the nooks and crannies-to love me for me . I hope that it is not too late-I am a patient person but it seems like as the years pass that hope is fading as yours was Jon- reading this has given me renewed hope–Thank you
Heartfelt Best Wishes. Together you bring out the Love and Kindness in one another. It’s a beautiful relationship and a blessing to the world.
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Congrats on your anniversary
What a most BEAUTIFUL piece, I had to re-read to saturate in it’s beauty & happiness! So Happy for You Both!!!! Happy Anniversary!!!! IMHO, I don’t think you’ll ever run out of space for your burgeoning love, I think your Soul is Expanding more & more. So Beautiful!!!!
What a wonderful love story. Happy anniversary to you both. May you continue to shine your mutual sun onto the rest of us for many years to come.
Nice
“full of love for me, the dogs, the sheep, spiders and plants, donkeys and songbirds, friends, and every tree, plant, bug, rodent, or flower.”
You forgot the snails.
I’m adding them…
Such a sweet post! Happy Anniversary to both of you – and many more! Have fun! Love you both.
A most beautiful love letter, Jon. Happy anniversary to you and Maria.
Maria did turn out to be your angel and you hers. What a heartfelt tribute to your relationship with Maria. Happy Anniversary. When you love good things happen in the totality of your life.
Happy Anniversary Maria and Jon. It is wonderful to have someone you can share with and be mutually supportive. My husband and I have been married 52 years and it’s still good.
This is my favorite true story I’ve ever read. Happy Anniversary, Jon and Maria!
Jon. I have been following you since you first purchased the first Bedlam Farm. I’m a ‘quiet’ follower. I can’t believe you and Maria have been married ten years! Where does the time go? I am in awe of your lives and what you accomplish. Two very wonderful people doing so much good. Stay happy, healthy and in love!
Simply Lovely
So happy for you both.
I remember that day well Jon and Maria happy anniversary to you both.
Jon, these are lovely words about an extraordinary couple. I’m very glad you found each other. You both bring so much kindness & good into the world. Happy Anniversary and wishing you many more.
Happy Anniversary! Two beautiful souls on an amazing love journey! Blessings to both of you and all your animals on Bedlam Farm too!
Wonderful story. I can feel the love between the two of you. I can see the frustration you are having being confined to home and not being able to get to the Mansion. However, you are doing lots of good work. Maria, I hope you are still making and selling your potholders. It’s that creativity that swells our heart. Happy Anniversary to both of you.
This is a masterpiece, Jon.
What a lovely story. Congratulations to you for the anniversary and blessings for many more!
I also go back to reading your work from the first Bedlam Farm; an unfolding love story. Wishing you two good people all the best. Happy Anniversary.
What a lovely (and loving) post! Happy Anniversary, Jon & Maria!
Best,
Anne from Montana
Happy anniversary Maria & Jon. Have a lovely night away when you stay at an inn in VT.
(My husband and I celebrate our 53rd anniversary next week.)
Congratulations! You are a great team! So glad you found each other… I love reading your blogs! My husband Ben and I celebrated our 35th Wedding Anniversary in February (2020). He went to Costa Rica on vacation (August 1984) and less than six months later we were married. We somehow knew we were right for one another… Regards to Maria!
Happy anniversary to both of you! This is a beautiful post; a fresh telling of your love story. Wishing you joy in each other for years to come!
May you and Maria continue the happiness and joy for a bazillion years. Happy anniversary!
Wow!
So fortunate to be able to share your story. Happy Anniversary.
Jon,
As you obviously know, that completeness of soul or humanity or whatever you often write about with Maria is what every life should have some of. Deep human connection causes very good things to happen neuro chemically and neuro plasticity in the brain. Your writing reflects that completeness to me. Congratulations on finding your dream !
What a wonderful story, and it isn’t one of your political posts that draw me to your blog. I’m looking out at my stone wall, but there is no angel there. Perhaps she’ll be there later. Happy Anniversary!
Happy Anniversary to you both and to many many more.
Wow! How absolutely beautiful.
What a sweet and lovely love story. Happy Anniversary!
Beautiful!!!! I’ve dreamed of a love like this. I’m so glad you found it.
Congratulations on your 10 years of marriage, love and healing! Yesterday would have been our 44th anniversary of a similar marriage. Now I begin my 11th year as a widow. My husband and I read every one of your books up to 2010 (when Ron passed). And he would SO have loved to meet you. Your books bonded us even more, since we were both passionate animal lovers. I am overjoyed you and Maria found each other and have blessed one another with healing acceptance. Ron and I did the same. Thank you for all you’ve given us through your writing. ❤ Kitty
You are such an honest and wonderful writer. Your story of life is so tender and touching. There is a saying by Albert Camus that says “In the midst of winter, I found an invincible summer.” I think you have experienced this! God Bless you both. P.S. Ever thought of adding a reindeer to your farm?
When Im Sixty – four, by the beatles, whem I get older losing my hair, Many years from now, Will you still be sending me a Valentine, Birthday greetings bottle of wine, If id been out to a quarter to three, Would you lock the door, Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when im sixty four…. Jon, Happy Anniversary ❤️. Truly as the beatles said all we need is love…. We all search for it and some of us get lucky enough to find it… i wish you were still writing books and would write your continued love story! ❤️ Sharon