Raw, entry 3a: having the surface abraded or chafed; very irritated. – Merriam Webster.

I get a lot of messages from the outside world, and I think what may people are feeling is raw, more than fear.

Maria and I have been together for ten years.

Our relationship is close, warm,  and supportive. Maria is an intensely gentle and loving person, more so than I am, and we complement each other most comfortably.

We are both also wise-asses and hotheads, and from time to time, we remind each other to be gentle. We can be irritable and distracted. We are, until the next time.

Like most couples, we snap at each other once in a while and then move on. It is very rare for our hurts and resentments and irritations to linger.

In recent weeks, an edge has come into our relationship that is new and different. We shouted at each other once or twice, something we never do.

I was so upset at one point that I shouted up the stairs, “this is hurting us.” This got our attention, as I hoped it would.

We’ve never had many issues to contend with, but we both sensed that the Pandemic and the constant, ever uglier political tensions are wearing us down. Maria said her friends were feeling the same way.

Our snapping seemed to be angrier and more cutting. It isn’t severe, but love is all about work and acceptance, we don’t let things get serious. Small things can become big things.

What we are realizing is that our world is going to be tense for a long time.

We both saw it as something we need to deal with right now. This is a long haul.  We agreed we needed to pay attention to it and learn to handle it.

We need to think about almost everything we do, and everywhere we go. And our community has not been hard hit by this virus, it’s hard to even imagine life in Atlanta or New York City or New Orleans.

Will wearing a mask ever seem natural to me?

There are, of course, good reasons to be tense. People are suffering; people are dying. People are fighting with one another in ugly ways.

One would have to be deadened in spirit not to feel unsettled.

The troubles in our country are also wearing.

At a time when we need to be united, comforted, and guided, we seem just to be more divided. The most important public officials say different things on different days.

A security guard is murdered for asking a mother to put a mask on her child; two McDonald workers are shot for asking customers to maintain distance from one another.

People with Nazi flags jeer at people wearing masks.

Is this America? It seems that every day there is a new conflict, a new round of arguments, accusations, grievances. I, for one, miss having a leader who will speak to all of us and help to hold us together.

For me, this is not a time to fight, to be left or right or blue or red. But I am not in charge of anything but some dogs and donkeys.

That idea of coming together feels like an old value now, I wonder if it can ever come back.

But up here on ou farm, Maria and I are just now coming to terms with how long this might go on and how much change and hardship we all will face.

The Pandemic has shown its light on a new America, good and bad.  Good or bad, right or wrong, the President brings conflict wherever he goes, and many people love him for that. It is hard on me, and on Maria, as is the Pandemic itself.

On a personal level, there is much to feel good about. The Army Of Good is covering itself with glory, my blog is soaring, my writing is sharper, the refugees are eating, the Mansion residents are painting and eating well.

Maria is doing what artists do when there is trouble, she is making art that lifts people up.

Yesterday, I told Maria that I thought about what was happening with us is that we are all getting raw more than frightened or depressed.  We are handling this Pandemic; we will continue to handle it.

We are trying to help others, doing our work, feeling strong, working to be safe.

We can no longer take for granted things that we once never even thought about. There is no quick fix or magic solution ahead; our lives seem permanently altered. But we are getting raw.

Since the outside world will be upended for some time, I told Maria, we need to work on ourselves, we need to be our calm and loving points of light, for each other, and for the people, we wish to help. We can’t alter the world around us, but we can help ourselves.

When we asked our friends how they are feeling, almost every one of them –  especially women –  said they were feeling the same thing – weariness, tension, uncertainty, and yes, some fear.

Raw is the right word. Our tensions and fears and instincts are all heightened. Our psyches are like wounds picked at and rubbed; we are raw.

How do I deal with this?

I see the news as a mental health issue now, and I don’t mean that disrespectfully, I was treated for mental illness for years.

I take the news the same way I take my pills: once a day, and carefully. I understand bad news is addictive because it evokes fear, which is why the corporate media presents so much of it.

I am careful what time I watch and what I share. There is only so much evil and angry news anyone can handle. I used to share the news with Maria first thing in the morning, while we were still in bed. Shame on me, it took me weeks to see how much it was upsetting here.

I don’t do that anymore.

The news is not the right way to start the morning or a healthy way to end the day. The news is their reality, it doesn’t have to be mine or yours.

I was treated for mental illness for a long time for anxiety and abuse, and I know I need to manage the flow of troubling information into my consciousness.

Maria has also experienced anxiety, like most gifted artists, she is sensitive.  You don’t want that awful stuff in your head when you are going off to create.

I started making an effort to be calm and quiet, two things that are not second nature to me. Small things like lowering one’s voice or speaking slowly can make a difference.

I am working hard to listen, not to speak. I don’t offer solutions or advice. I just look, and I listen.

I let her know that she is loved and that she loves me.

Because I see how raw we were both getting, I also understand how important it is to be soft and easy, to be a steady rather than troubled or fearful presence. If we need to talk about things, we meditate, sit down and talk.

I am understanding that even though we are healthy, the inability to move freely, speak to people without masks, walk through a grocery store line without pausing every few feet, all of these are troubling. In the same way, dogs are often unhinged by changes in routine, so are humans.

So here, on our farm, here is the choice for us; this kind of tension can always go in a good or bad direction. I know to see it, acknowledge it, and talk about it. That way, we can do it together, and help one another to heal and stay grounded rather than tear each other apart without even meaning to.

This awareness is working for us. The strange and unsettling feeling is already dissipating; we are righting ourselves. We also understand that this is something we will have to be conscious of and do again and again, not just once.

True love is not about the self; it is about the other.  It takes hard work and thought to love another person well.

I think about that every single day. Because Maria and I both know what happens when we forget that and let the wind blow where it pleases.

I try to follow the Quaker rules for conflict:  Talk, then be silent for a minute or two, listen, then be quiet for a minute or two.

If things are too hot or fraught, walk away and come back later.

Maria can speak for herself, but what I need to do is understand that we are both like a raw and open wound to some degree. Awareness, for me, is half the battle. Images like that help me to understand what is happening.

I appreciate the power of living in the moment. I don’t need to go back, I don’t need to speculate on the future. What is know is right now.

We are mindful of being raw. We are careful not to trouble the wound.

We need to walk softly and lovingly around the pain and fear.

Most of the crises in my life have been sudden and short-lived. This one means to hang around for a while. Intend to outlast it.