Before I knew I was an Old Man At Risk (OMAR), I was the sole and proud Hunter Gatherer of Bedlam Farm. I married a wonderful woman who has few domestic genes. She hates to cook or shop, anything that takes away from her art is an unacceptable intrusion.

I love to shop and am learning how to cook and loving it. During these sheltering weeks, Maria took over the shopping, and even the sheep cold here all the grousing. The refrigerator was flooded with vegetables, I even complained about what I called the “tyranny of vegetables,” but she didn’t care much.

On my last trip into the world of shopping a few weeks ago, I was stunned to see that toilet paper had vanished from every store in the area. I read there was a toilet paper panic all over the country.

There wasn’t a roll to be had anywhere. I admit to scooting past an older woman on that visit to grab a roll of six, the last ones left on the shelf.

I don’t really know what came over me, I searched for her to give her half, but she was gone., perhaps muttering about the selfish jerk who outran her.

I was mortified and repented. Since then I’ve only seen toilet paper once and limited myself to one thin roll. I did get nervous about it, and there were no signs that toilet paper was coming back to those shelves.

I am obsessive about my Hunter Gathering, I was always on the lookout for toilet paper.

I found some online and bought them, they were shipped from China in a green plastic bag and the thin one-ply paper practically melted in my hand. They were made for people who are different than me.

I haven’t seen any toilet paper since then until today.

I’ve been released from my sheltering to do some shopping as part of our state begins to slowly open up, I take all of the appropriate precautions – I keep my distance, stay away from crowds and wash my hands often.

I admit to being a bit obsessed about the toilet paper, I began to understand why it was selling out so quickly.

Today, masked and armed with an alcohol-based sanitizer, I went to the local food co-op. I looked in the usual place, but that toilet paper shelf was empty.

I turned away to get some grapes and was astonished to find myself looking at a large stack of two-ply toilet paper for 99 cents. I thought of stuffing five or six rolls into my renewable shopping back but then caught myself.

I bought two and brought them home and triumphantly told Maria that the Hunter-Gatherer had scored two rolls of toilet paper.

She rolled her eyes and groaned. But I am pretty happy with myself, and I’m getting my pride back..