I got a message from one of Susan’s co-workers asking me to forgive her and suggesting I was “maligning” her by writing honestly and openly about her life, as she requested me to do.
I thought, in the interest of fairness and openness, that I ought to reprint the message and my reply. I will say it was not my idea to write about her death, Susan asked me to be open and portray her troubled life accurately, so that others might learn and benefit from it.
I have done that as faithfully and lovingly as I could.
The letter was hurtful, but also honest. It ought to be read.
When Susan was in desperate need of help and in great pain, no one – no one, including me – was there. She hopes her death will help others to avoid that sad fate. If a housecleaner had not called me one Sunday in alarm, Susan would almost surely have died alone in her house.
She will die in safety and comfort and dignity, that is a great blessing and a happy ending. I am very happy to be a part of it.
Writing about Susan has been difficult for me, but I am honored to do it and proud of what I have written. It is, I believe, absolutely true to Susan’s desire to be portrayed truthfully.
“Don’t write one of those fake eulogies for me,” she requested,”I’m not Cinderella.”
Don’t worry, I won’t.
Susan was not seeking forgiveness, not does she need any from me or anyone else. She is a good person with a great big heart, as I have written many times. I’m not in that business. She was hoping her final gift would be a caution to others. She isn’t seeking Sainthood.
Today, her friend Donna Nicosia is coming to see her. Donna was perhaps the only person on the earth who knew how sick she was, Susan confided in her. Susan is closer to Donna than anyone, and I hope to meet up with her at the hospital.
Here is the letter from Terry, and my reply.
“Our friend and coworker, Susan, is dying. We are feeling the loss both personally and professionally.
She was a member of our work community and family. We have been visiting her, sharing laughs, tears, love and above all showing her empathy and kindness.
It wasn’t a nurse or hospice worker who opened her cards and letters and read them to her. It was her friend and coworker. It wasn’t a nurse, hospice worker or another friend who tacked them to the wall. It was her friend and coworker. That big, beautiful bouquet of flowers? It was from a coworker who has known Susan for less than 3 months. Her friends are with her and we care.
Susan, out of fear I truly believe, didn’t want to discuss her health issues with us at work or even admit them to herself. We knew something was wrong but she kept brushing it off. We knew it must be something she didn’t want to face (if you read her blog, you understand this). We had compassion and empathy for her while trying to fill the unanticipated vacancies she left when she was too sick to come to work. She told us too that she had doctors’ appointments the next day. We didn’t believe it but we couldn’t force her either.
Writing about Susan’s illness, if requested as you say, is an admirable and arduous task. I will give you that. It’s difficult to put into words the process of dying.
I do feel that you have also maligned Susan’s character at a time when she cannot speak for, let alone defend, herself. You have written often about it, while describing her illness for your readers. I’m not sure what good this does to preserve Susan’s memory.
Your wife wrote about it also but was able to fully understand that Susan wasn’t going about any of that in a malicious manner or with any malicious intent. Susan herself said she was incapable of giving what you both needed in a friendship.
Susan is incapable of defending herself or righting the wrongs you feel she did to you.
You have a choice, however.
Can you find it within you to show empathy and forgiveness for her, while chronicling the last days of her life? Can you let go of the anger and hurt for her that you have written about?
Susan is a human and as humans, we all make mistakes. If we can’t find forgiveness during our final hours, when can we?”
My reply:
Terry, I don’t argue or discuss my very personal and intimate writing decisions. This is not the place for that or the time. Susan and I have talked many times about my writing about her death, and I am very clear and comfortable about honoring her wishes to be honest and open about her life.
I’m sorry if it makes you or anyone else uncomfortable, but I am not here to sugarcoat her life or death, I am being faithful to what she asked. She believes being candid about her choices and life could be helpful to others. I agree, and I will continue to be honest and open about her life and death, as she requested.
Thanks for posting her cards, you are not the only people sending her letters and flowers and good wishes. Scores of people are doing that, not because they dislike what they read about her, but quite the opposite. Susan told me she told no one at work about the severity of her illnesses until very recently. That was her pattern, alas. That was why she was so alone when she was stricken.
And I honor her for that and respect her last wishes. I have tons of empathy for Susan and don’t need to be asked to have that. I wouldn’t be with her now if that was not the case. It is not for me to judge and forgive her. Nor is it for you to tell me what to write at this very complex and emotional time.
She does not need to be defended from me or explained to me. I’m not God, and I don’t play God. I’ve known Susan for years and spent a great deal of time with her. We had our ups and downs, but also a powerful closeness. Susan told me that few people ever really got to know her. I can testify to that truth.
When she most needed help, nobody was there. That was Susan.
I’m not here to be the cheerleader or to write false eulogies, that is not what she wanted, or what I do. I don’t believe you were present during these discussions, I showed her everything I wrote until yesterday. She does not believe I have maligned her in any way, a suggestion that is offensive to me and hurtful.
The beauty of Susan now is that she wants her death to have true meaning for others. I am proud to be a part of that. Thanks for being a good friend for Susan, I’m sure she appreciates it…I will continue to be as honest and open as I can be, and as honest as she asked me to be…”
I’m not publishing these messages in order to argue about the, or defend myself. I don’t feel the need to do that. I think Terry’s point of view about Susan ought to be shared, she is very much entitled to her feelings.
I can tell you as a friend of Susan’s and her former writing teacher, you will learn very little about Susan from her blog. That, she told me, is why she stopped writing on it months ago.
Beautifully written and everyone’s final wishes are different. Death is a personal journey. So glad you was there for her as needed.
I, for one, am grateful to Susan for being so willing to have people read about her life and dying. I also live alone (except for my dog, of course) and it has been brought home to me recently how easily I could be in the position of needing help and either not wanting to admit it or not being able to get it. Many of us who live alone are pretty independent cusses and we don’t like to admit that there are things we can’t handle on our own. Denial is an easy state to fall into for anyone, but I think especially for us loners. Susan’s experience and my own (with a recent health scare) have nudged me into making better arrangements for staying in touch with friends and family and keeping people informed about what’s going on with me. I think of Susan every day and wish her a peaceful, pain-free journey.
Thanks Barbara, Sally is doing very well, we do need help in paying her $320 vet bill and in raising money to help her new owner fly and take her back to Oregon..she’s seeking $700..if you can offer any help, that would be great…
Oh Jon, I admire your willingness to continue to write the truth when time and again, people come after you!! So many people don’t like the truth. Are afraid of the truth. Uncomfortable with the truth. I guess they missed the old adage “the truth shall set you free”. I trust you. And learn from you. Just as Susan would want.
Your attempt at “public shaming” won’t work, I stand behind what I wrote. My point of view is as valid as yours.
The comments I made were shared publicly in response to a previous blog. I feel that you are trying to do is incite an arguement for your points. I dont share them and clearly you can’t see that. We all have opinions and you what they say about that.
We can agree to disagree and thats about all we will agree on.
Good for you, Terry, you don’t seem shamed to me. I have no argument to make with you and I agree with you on absolutely nothing. (I apologize for promoting an argument by responding to your suggestion that I maligned Susan with my writing. I can’t imagine why anyone would be upset about that. Silly me.)
You might like to know as a friend of Susan that we need help raising money for her dog Sally, who needs a home and is being fostered in NJ.
Let’s talk about Sally, a much more productive topic. She has a $320 vet bill and we need $700 for travel costs to Oregon where she has an excellent home waiting. Your colleagues, who Susan spoke very highly of, might wish to help her place her dog in a good permanent home. That would be a great gift to her, and offer much peace of mind. No pressure, but any help would be appreciated. Nothing would make Susan happier or bring her more peace.
If you or anyone at her workplace is interested in helping, you can contact Donna Nicosia – [email protected] and thanks..
Dear Terry and Jon
May you both find the peace and grace Susan will soon find.
I am from Oregon, Sally is a long way from her new home, I will contact Donna and make a contribution.
Death stirs up a deep well…..and we are only human doing the best we can.
Chris, I hope we will all find grace and peace, you too, thanks for contacting Donna…
Susan died last night at Saratoga Hospital shortly before 10 p.m. I left shortly before that and couldn’t quite keep my promise to be with her when she died, which I regret. Her family intends to cremate her body and Donna and I will talk about a memorial service for her, possibly on our farm, which she loved. I want to say she died in peace and comfort and with no pain, the hospital was wonderful in their care of her, from beginning to end. Thanks for all of your support and encouragement, it meant a lot to me…Thanks to Donna Nicosia for being such a wonderful advocate and friend to Susan. She trusted Donna more than anyone in the world.
I agree with Terry, and your sarcasm and attempt at belittling her is very unattractive. She has a point: you’ve posted that Susan is a plagiarist and a poor friend, and you seem unwilling to acknowledge that. Those of us who love Susan are dismayed by this, whatever your fans might think.
Julie, thanks for your message. I have no interest in arguing what I write about Susan – and at her request – as she nears death. It doesn’t seem decent to me. I’m sorry you can’t wait for a better time to enter this experience at such an intimate moment and with so little real information.
I don’t think we can honor Susan by starting another online hate-fest as she struggles to breathe. I don’t want to.
Of course, I acknowledge Susan’s two-time plagiarism and her trouble with friendship. I wrote about it. What do you mean I “never acknowledged it?” She wanted her friends to understand her better and others to learn from her mistakes. She said she told the truth to very few people. Good for her. I’m good with what I wrote.
I’m glad you love Susan, so did I and many other people. She is worthy of love and understanding. She is a real person, not a Hallmark Funeral Card.
I will not dignify this discussion with any more comments now.
Let’s let Susan leave the world, and you can second guess me and air your grievances all you wish. I am her medical proxy, and I would like to focus on helping her leave the world in peace and comfort, as she asked me to do, and as I am responsible for doing. We have done well by her, she is in comfort and as peaceful as I have seen her.
If you wish to talk to me after she passes I’d be happy to discuss this with you, and I am sorry you (and your friend) didn’t even try to do that rather than do the snarky online thing. I’m quite accessible. I’d be happy to explain why I wrote what I did, I will not argue with you about it.
If you wish to help Susan beyond telling me what I should be writing and feeling, please consider contributing to the fund to re-home her dog, Sally, pay her vet bills and get her to her new home in Oregon. Nothing would give Susan more peace of mind. You can contribute by writing Donna Nicosia, her best friend and a fellow Patient Advocate for Susan at [email protected]. Good people who love Susan are helping to get Sally to her new home, thanks, small donations are welcome. Donna will tell you how you can help.
P.S. Susan died last night, just before 10 p.m. She died in peace and comfort.