I’ve read more than once that fear and anger over the “bad” things in our lives are often self-created or ego created. Some psychologists refer to these things as “drama.”
Many people live in drama – we all know people like that.
Too often, I have been one of them.
The spiritual gurus say that when we are “awakened” or fully conscious, or truly self-aware, then drama does not come into our lives anymore, or at least not often. We leave drama behind.
Ego, says Eckhard Tolle, is the unobserved mind that runs our lives when we are not conscious or aware when we react rather than consider. The ego perceives itself as a separate fragment in a hostile and threatening universe, with no genuine connection to the inner being, to the soul or the heart.
The ego is most threatened by other egos, which it sees as a danger or which it will attempt to dominate for its ends or needs. The ego works to combat fear and anger. Ego’s hallmarks are resistance, control, power, greed, defense, attack.
Recently, I’ve been confronted with a completely new dilemma in my publishing world – an editor who will not speak to me, respond to me, answer my phone calls or e-mails, edit my book or even talk to me.
I have never encountered this in my life, although other writers say it happens all the time now. On some levels, it makes me furious, I feel humiliated, dismissed and disregarded, and I fell flashes at rage at someone so insensitive, or lazy or dishonest. I have worked hard, deserved to be spoken to, and paid. It is nearly three years that this is going on.
I presume this editor doesn’t like my work and my writing, but I have no way of knowing. It’s a significant drop for a five-time New York Times Bestseller; I guess I was spoiled. Or my ego was.
I thought a lot about it and decided to let it go, leave it behind. I have no interest in anger; I will not write angry and blustery letters; I will not permit this awful experience to break my spirit or take away my confidence and worth as a writer.
I realize that in recent years, I have shed the life drama that once characterized my life. I would have gone on a rampage with this editor, writing him, his editors, threatened lawsuits, invaded his outer office, stewing and complaining, and demanded to be seen.
It’s not right to treat people this way, so I resolve not to do it to anyone else rather than scream about it.
The anger was my ego riling me up. I recognize my ego for the essential and sometimes useful things it does for me. I also see very clearly that the more conscious I am of my self, the more aware, the less I let ego direct me, from nasty e-mails to self-pity, to the disappointments and challenges of life.
When I lost Red, I didn’t go into mourning. I felt that was ego, drama. Red didn’t need me to do that, and I wished to live in the present – with dogs like Bud and Zinnia.
“Some of the ego’s strategies are extremely clever,” writes Tolle, “yet they never truly solve any of its problems, simply because the ego itself is the problem.”
The true story of my life, I think. When egos show up in personal relationships, bad things happen. When I think beyond anger and fear and resentment, better things happen, even good things.
Egos are the mothers and fathers of drama.
Whenever two or more egos come together, the drama follows. When I feel sorry for myself, or angry at someone else, or guilty or anxious, that’s drama. When I think that my problems and losses are mine alone, that’s drama. When I think I’ve over that’s drama, and when I forget we shall all die, that’s drama.
When I retreat to the past or run to the future, or step out of the present, that’s drama.
In my own life, I’ve learned – and am still learning – that complete acceptance of life is the end of drama in my life. Nobody can argue with me, no matter how hard they might try.
You cannot writes Tolle, argue with a fully conscious person.
I can make my point clearly and fully; there need be no defense or attack. I am not yet fully conscious, and I still argue more than I want, but it is changing and radically.
“An argument,” writes Tolle, “implies identification with your mind and a mental position, as well as resistance and reaction to the other person’s position. The result is that the polar opposites become mutually energized. These are the mechanics of consciousness.”
When President Trump was elected, I knew myself well enough to know that I needed to replace resentment and fear and anger with something meaningful and nourishing these four years. I shed the drama of politics and turned to finding good things to do instead. In an important sense, I was intuitievely shedding drama.
I don’t need to hate anyone or persuade anyone or fight with anyone. I don’t need to be on the “left” or the “right.” I simply have to understand what I am feeling now.
I am almost nauseous around drama now; my stomach turns, my consciousness sounds an alarm. I feel no anger for this editor; I will let time work this out. No angry letters, no stewing.
A woman posted a message on my blog the other day saying my writing about the death of my friend Susan was “disgusting.” I felt no anger; I surprised myself. I simply wrote that I don’t argue my ideas and opinions on the Internet, or anywhere else. I write what I need to write, and she is free to go elsewhere.
And she did, probably searching for someone to argue with her.
And I forgot about it. That is different and gives me hope for myself. For the first time in my life, I believe I am leaving this is the end of my life drama.
We all tell the story of my life, and mine has too often been filled with drama and some suffering. I don’t want that to be the story of my life. I believe I am writing that story now, and Tolle is right when he says there is no drama in the present, only in the past and the future.
I think I ‘ll let my ego follow me for a change, rather than lead me. I am coming to consciousness, bit by bit, day by day.
I hope I live long enough to get there.
Ooops.
This photo is the epitome of sweetness and peace, love and tranquility – and total lack of drama. What a precious picture to go with your excellent article, Jon. Thank you for sharing it and them. I’m glad you’re at peace with it, but I’m still sad and disappointed about your Gus and Bud book not getting published.
Beautiful, thank you.
Our friend and coworker, Susan, is dying. We are feeling the loss both personally and professionally.
She was a member of our work community and family. We have been visiting her, sharing laughs, tears, love and above all showing her empathy and kindness.
It wasn’t a nurse or hospice worker who opened her cards and letters letters and read them to her. It was her friend and coworker. It wasn’t a nurse, hospice worker or other friend who tacked them to the wall. It was her friend and coworker. That big, beautiful bouquet of flowers? It was from a coworker who has known Susan less than 3 months. Her friends are with her and we care.
Susan, out of fear I truly believe, didn’t want to discuss her health issues with us at work or even admit them to herself. We knew something was wrong but she kept brushing it off. We knew it must be something she didn’t want to face(if you read her blog, you understand this). We had compassion and empathy for her, while trying to fill the unanticipated vacancies she left when she was too sick to come to work. She told us too that she had doctors appointments the next day. We didn’t believe it but we couldn’t force her either.
Writing about Susan’s illness, if requested as you say, is an admirable and arduous task. I will give you that. It’s difficult to put into words the process of dying.
I do feel that you have also maligned Susan’s character at a time when she cannot speak for, let alone defend, herself. You have written often about it, while describing her illness for your readers. I’m not sure what good this does to preserve Susan’s memory.
Your wife wrote about it also but was able to fully understand that Susan wasn’t going about any of that in a malicious manner or with any malicious intent. Susan herself said she was incapable of giving what you both needed in a friendship.
Susan is incapable of defending herself or righting the wrongs you feel she did to you.
You have a choice however.
Can you find it within you to show empathy and forgiveness for her, while chronicling the last days of her life? Can you let go of the anger and hurt for her that you have written about?
Susan is a human and as humans, we all make mistakes. If we can’t find forgiveness during our final hours, when can we?
Terry, I don’t argue or discuss my very personal and intimate writing decisions. This is not the place for that or the time. Susan and I have talked many times about my writing about her death, and I am very clear and comfortable about honoring her wishes to be honest and open about her life.
I’m sorry if it makes you or anyone else uncomfortable, but I am not here to sugarcoat her life or death, I am being faithful to what she asked. She believes being candid about her choices and life could be helpful to others. I agree, and I will continue to be honest and open about her life and death, as she requested.
Thanks for posting her cards, you are not the only people sending her letters and flowers and good wishes. Scores of people are doing that, not because they dislike what they read about her, but quite the opposite. Susan told me she told no one at work about the severity of her illnesses until very recently. That was her pattern, alas. That was why she was so alone when she was stricken.
And I honor her for that and respect her last wishes. I have tons of empathy for Susan and don’t need to be asked to have that. I wouldn’t be with her now if that was not the case. It is not for me to judge and forgive her. Nor is it for you to tell me what to write at this very complex and emotional time.
She does not need to be defended from me or explained to me. I’m not God, and I don’t play God. I’ve known Susan for years and spent a great deal of time with her. We had our ups and downs, but also a powerful closeness. Susan told me that few people ever really got to know her. I can testify to that truth.
When she most needed help, nobody was there. That was Susan.
I’m not here to be the cheerleader or to write false eulogies, that is not what she wanted, or what I do. I don’t believe you were present during these discussions, I showed her everything I wrote until yesterday, she does not believe I have maligned her in any way, a suggestion that is offensive to me and hurtful.
The beauty of Susan now is that she wants her death to have true meaning for others. I am proud to be a part of that. Thanks for being a good friend for Susan, I’m sure she appreciates it…I will continue to be as honest and open as I can be, and as honest as she asked me to be…
You pick and choose what you respond to and how. Read closely, I didn’t say it was her coworkers who WROTE everything or were the only ones who cared about her-but pointed out that it wasn’t only a nurse, a hospice worker or only YOU doing those things. I am sorry that you are incapable to seeing another’s point of view or to even entertain it.
Asking you to show compassion and forgiveness isn’t asking you not to write about her death. Your feelings and writing about HER and writing about her DEATH are not the same thing to me. We won’t agree on that and that is fine by me. I don’t have to read your blog and probably won’t. I read it only because we realized(before she was named) you were writing about Susan. She left work on Wednesday afternoon. You were called and advised of her situation on Saturday or Sunday. She had refused ALL attempts to get her help from coworkers and manager until that point. People tried but couldn’t force her-I’m glad you did.
I’m glad too Terry, I posted your letter on the blog in full, I didn’t pick and choose a thing, you are entitled to your say. You should know Susan stopped writing on her blog four months ago, she felt it was false and inauthentic..I thank you for writing to me, I have no need for you to agree with me, you were not present during any of my conversations with Susan and perhaps you might ask me what was said rather than tell me…I will not be dishonest for you or anyone else..and Susan is the last person on earth who would have wanted that…I’m not looking to argue with you Terry, this isn’t the time. I am doing precisely what Susan asked me to do, she doesn’t differentiate as you do, between writing about life and/or death. She wanted to be truthful about both, something she felt she often was unable to do…I am so glad she choose to be authentic now, before it is too late..I don’t wish to debate her last wishes with you, it seems disturbing to me..You’ve had your say and I’ve had mine, so let’s move on.
Thank you, Jon. Your post really resonated with me. I am struggling with family circumstances that are causing a lot of “drama”. I am trying desperately to gain some calmess and perspective on this situation. Your words make me think and question and strive to be do “better”. Leaving the fear and anger behind is that best gift that I can give my family and myself right now.
The photo of Bud and Zinnia makes me smile. What a lovely sight to see. These two loving dogs smoozing together. Will you make post cards of this photo? I’d love to see them in the morning as I read your blog. I have one of Lulu and Red guarding the sheep from one you sent…ages ago. Thanks Jon for all your work for the Army of Good.