” Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence.” – Eckhart Tolle
This is a sad story with a happy ending.
After nearly 30 books, I’m saying goodbye to the book publishing world. I don’t want to deal with the new corporate publishers, and they don’t wish to deal with me. The plans for publishing my last book – the story of Gus and Bud have been put on hold after three years of conflict and frustration, and probably for good.
My agent and the editor who won’t speak with me will work out the details, I’ve moved on already, I couldn’t quite admit it. I agree with it now. I was feeling like one of those people I always dreaded becoming; someone who fights to hang on, who can’t let go, who doesn’t grasp when he is no longer valued or wanted.
The thing is not to whine and cry; the idea is to get moving. I got moving.
I’ve had enough. It’s time to move on. I’m with Winston Churchill. Success is not final; failure is not fatal; it is the courage to move on that matters.
I have a closet in the farmhouse that was stacked with copies of each one of the 26 books I have written, five of them bestsellers. The shelf is emptying out.
My book launches were classic publishing events once, a high powered mix of media and classy book stores, almost all of which are gone.
I started on the most potent NPR shows. I then moved across the country doing newspaper and televisions interviews from Los Angeles to Ohio, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Chicago, New York, Boston, and a bunch of places in between.
My books sailed from one printing to another; there were scores of reviews, most generous and approving, and a wonderful editor who believed in my work and fought for it. He was laid off during the Great Recession, and my book career slowly disintegrated along with his presence in my life. It happens.
Publishing is (was) a kind of medieval world. Us writers were orphans and serfs, we depended entirely on the generosity and kindness of our editors. When they were gone, we usually went with them. I don’t hear of much generosity or kindness in publishing now.
It’s not a new story, but an old story, made worse by a massive recession that turned publishing upside down and made mid-list authors like me extremely dispensable.
I am lucky. Of all my friends and colleagues in publishing, I think I lasted the longest, but have been hanging on by my fingernails ever since 2008. I can’t say I’m proud to be a book writer any longer, only that I once was proud.
I sensed the future and started my blog in 2007. Bedlamfarm.com has more than four million hits a year now I am told, and is read all over the country and some of the world.
Please don’t be sorry for me and please don’t tell me you’re sorry for me. The blog is my book now, and it is the right place for me. If you like my writing, here it is every day and for free. When people ask me when my next book is coming out, I tell them it is right here, out every day.
I suppose it was more complicated than just losing my editor, perhaps I lost the book writing skill, or was so distracted by my breakdown and personal torments that my mind no longer worked in the right way. It is not really for me to say. No one is obliged to like my writing; no one is required to publish me.
I decided yesterday I was done with it when I learned my new publisher has no plans to publish the story of Gus and Bud after three years of hard work and waiting. No one bothered to tell me.
Honest people I trust who have read the book like it very much and no one has told me anything is wrong with it. Nobody has told me anything at all, which I gather is the new editing. I hear stories much worse than mine all the time.
I’ve been preparing for this for years now, I don’t stack all my books in the house anymore, I give them away to people I meet, and when they are gone, I won’t replace them. I rarely mention my books on my blog and don’t have the heart to promote them by myself. I’d rather work with the Army Of Good.
I think my books depress me now, and I don’t want that. They deserve to be loved by their creator.
I’m proud of them and want to feel good about how I spent so much of my life. Writing books was my dream and my identity. I think if I let go of book writing, I’ll love my books again. Today I read from Saving Simon to the residents at the Mansion, they say it’s their favorite book.
And I’ve never read it to them until today, and I thought as I read my own words, wow, this is good writing. I hadn’t looked at it since it was published. I didn’t recognize my words at first.
Writing books has become a battleground between me, the corporate marketers, the revolving door kids asked to edit their first books, timid editors who hide behind e-mail, corporate publishers who care about nothing but money.
Enough.
I will not become bitter and discouraged, I will not speak poorly of my life, I have moved on. I don’t care how hard this is, or how disappointing or hurtful. I’m moving forward. I’m good at that. It’s how I survived.
My sense of well being surprises me, but it’s real. Somehow, in all of this, I’ve found myself. I’m doing what I ought to be doing, where I ought to be doing it. My success was not final; my failure is not fatal.
My blog, my photos, my animals, Maria, my farm, my work at the Mansion, and Bishop Maginn High School are where my heart is now, not waiting for other people to define me.
That part of my life is over, it ended today with a decision I have been fussing over for some years, and it’s time I made it and owned it.
I’m done with writing books. I won’t give up pieces of my heart to publishing anymore.
Even writing this makes me want to cry, but I don’t. Maybe in a day or so, forty years of book writing is worth a few tears.
Nobody wants to hear about my glory days; even my daughter knows little or nothing about those days, and I don’t care to fill her in.
Maria toured with me on my last book tours, and she saw something of the big crowds, four-star hotels, limousines, lush reviews, and one interview after another.
I don’t get called for interviews anymore; I have editors now who don’t speak to me or return messages, and books that seem to vanish the day they are published.
The world has changed; I’m changing with it, not holding on to dreams and memories. My boat isn’t sailing without me.
It’s my time, and I feel nothing but pity for the men and women who can’t accept their time. Older men need to give way and find new things to do, I can use my acquired wisdom and experience for good.
It’s not as if I have nothing important to do.
My blog is more successful than any book I ever wrote, I am finally liberated from corporate marketing departments and free to write what I want, I am up to my neck in good work with the elderly and refugee children.
I love every day of my life on the farm, and every minute with the wonderful person with whom I share it.
I have absolutely nothing to complain about or regret. If this is a failure, I’ll take it.
The problem is I am happy in my life; it is fulfilling, creative, peaceful, and full of meaning. This is the most joyful sad decision I have ever made; it is the saddest happy ending.
And you know what?
I’ve never written better in my whole life.
Truman Capote wrote that failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor. Disappointment and difficulty have been good for me; they have sweetened the precious life I now live.
So I want to thank the kind and loyal people who have read my books and write to me about them every day. I am nothing but grateful, and I hope you will find on my blog what you saw in my books.
I’m working hard at it. If you ask me when my next book is coming out, I will tell you that you are reading it right now.
Encountering defeats is not the same thing as being defeated. I have learned who I am, what I can rise from, and how I can find new triumphs.
I can tell you from the heart that no best-selling book is one half as sweet and as raising tuition money for a brilliant refugee child desperate to learn.
To the many good people who bet on me and have followed my blog for some years or recently: thanks for your support.
I will work hard to earn it and keep faith with you. I won’t say this isn’t hard; books have been so much a part of my identity. I’m not a tough guy. It hurts to write this.
Books will always be a part of me.
So this is a big deal for me, a big goodbye. I don’t have anything else to add. You can say what you want about me, but I don’t look back. I am learning to live in the present and make every hour count.
I loved being a book writer; it was a life-long dream fulfilled. Now I get to find another and another. I thank you all.
I found you because I read saving Simon and I was so impressed with your compassion and trying to understand Simons owner, it really struck me. I enjoy your blog and get so much out of it. Thank you for being you.
Thanks Janette..
Thank you, Jon. I too am/was a book writer – after being a journalist. I said good-bye to that world recently as well. And have filled my life with wonder – with love and with adventure. Still, it is/was hard. Thank you for sharing this.
I loved your books… from the housewife detective to saving Simon to my favorite, Katz on dogs… I’ve hand sold and recommended many of your books… I am sad that it comes to this but sail on… there are other worlds!
I am sorry that there will be no more books, I was looking forward to gus and bud. I have either your books or audio books and every once and awhile I listen again, you are a very good story teller and I enjoy them all over again. Thank you for that!
Jon, I’ve been with you through your first lambing in a blizzard, when lambs were freezing cuz you couldn’t see them in the snow. Not as far back as your movie, although I would still love to see it. I was there with your humongous steer, and through your breakdown. I saw the beginnings of Maria and marvel at how far she’s come! I have some of your artwork and delight in it. You have woven a magical story and life and I’m so pleased for you. I love the daily doses of the blog and hope that continues as well. Lenore, Frida, Bud, Gus, Red, the chickens and cats are familiar characters. Thank you for bringing them to life.
Thanks Fran..love to you..
I love what Fran wrote and feel the same way. I only wish you could do a recap of all the people you encountered when you were first on your own. The people who worked on the first Bedlam Farm and helped you through that first awful winter. I followed them all in your books. I have shared your books with so many friends. One in particular who rescues
dogs that no one else wants said your philosophy on when to let go and not let an animal suffer was right in line with her
feelings. She sometimes felt guilty but your books were life-changing for her. She is a very funny lady and could write he own stories about both dogs and cats. I wish you were going to do another Open House.
Jon, you ae so smatto move on. iomes change, and sometmes we mus change too. have several of your books and I enjoyue3d hem and shared some wirh Mansion It ios btter to use your energis wth something that workis for you and people like. And we dol.I am 83 and this print is so lih I mus sop excues he ypin errors numb fingers, poo eye sight. May Keep gth way you are going SOcietry asks it.
I love your books and I love your blog. If you still have books, keep giving them away to people that will love them too..
Jon… Don’t look back. What you’re doing now is a high form of success: the freedom to choose your life’s work and be good at it.
“I am learning to live in the present and make every hour count.” I believe that this is how you live, Jon, and those of us that get to read about your journey, are reminded to try to do this, too. I have always wanted to be moved by reading, or entertained, or provoked to deeper thought and action. You have checked all of these boxes for me. That is the beauty of your writing.
I wrote a book that was published by a well known publisher, I had three printings as it was popular. I rarely talk about it as it was 20 years ago. It too was a big part of my life at the time. But, I too moved on. My life is full of other important activities which mostly benefit others. I have learned to let go and move on. It is so necessary. Bless you and may you continue to thrive. By the way I loved your books. And I read your blog.
This is the world we now inhabit. Not a bad world, but not so great either. 2012 my son asked if i’d like a Kindle for Christmas, i said OH NO, NEVER!!! I love books, the smell, the feel, the joy of holding and reading A BOOK. It’s 2020 and i have a kindle. I LOVE IT, i still love and have books, but honestly, i’m sad to say i love the “ease”” of it. I can order my books free thru my library, or buy one in an instant from amazon…it’s not the world i envisioned at 70 but here it is and i can’t change it. I HATE cell phones, texting, instant this and that. I’m glad i’m this many years in as change is hard. I do not feel sorry for you Jon, i admire your convictions and your passion for the Army of Good. That is a wonderful path to be on. Kindness goes a long long way. Much continued success to you and yours!
your books and blog have meant much to me over the years…and, I am so happy for you and the work you are doing…you deserve all good things! also, as I write this our good boy Blue the “oozing love and trouble” Labrador retriever is curled up on the couch with me…you’re smart to hold the “dog of entitlement” line! ?
Thank you..
Would you consider sharing the Gus and Bud book a chapter at a time with us?
I’ll have to talk with my agent, it’s possible I could self publish it, but I have to think about it..
That would be awesome. I imagine it may be quite a hassle but I’ve always loved your books. I love the blog too but miss the continuity of relishing a complete story. Ah, change, it is inevitable. Thanks for years of entertaining and thought provoking writing in whatever form!
I agree with Kathryn. I would love to read Gus and Bud, a chapter at a time. I hope it can be arranged. I is a compelling story.
Jon – is there any way to pay for a copy of Gus and Bud? Kimberly
No, not something I wish to do but thanks Kimberly..
I loved all your books, I read your mysteries and liked them very much
Once I read a book, I give them away but not yours! I reread for insights and when I need to remind myself that there is compassion in this world. I will eventually pass them on to family. What a legacy! And your books are only a small part of what you do to make the world a better place. Thank you!
We have been looking forward to reading about Gus and Bud~A special place is in our heart for Gus as he was the son of our Knox…I/we grew so attached to Gus through your writings and photos~as well as your others! Would love the opportunity to read your book about him~thank you ~
Well said, Jon. I love your attitude and am glad you can move on and still do the things you love now. But having just discovered you this past year and having read all your dog books, I am in tears over not getting to read Gus and Bud. If there’s any way to get a copy of it, please let us know.
I so love your books… Saving Simon is definitely one of my favorites. Enjoy all every moment with your animals.
I’m taking a copy of “The Dogs of Bedlam Farm” to Myanmar next week. One of my life joys is building schools in that beautiful but troubled country — a project I began three years ago through a splendid little organization called Build a School in Burma. I’ll be visiting the first school I financed (as a tribute to my father, who loved children) and in addition to puffy stickers and colored pencils I thought the children would love that book. I’ll send you a picture from a simple structure somewhere outside Yangon.
I so love your books… Saving Simon is one of my favorites. Enjoy every moment with your animals…
I see others suggested the same things I was thinking. Self publish. Or do something a chapter at a time? I think if you have it written it could be nice to share it. I know you put so much work into it. If that is flour last book (hard for me to believe -insert crying emoji-!) then maybe send it out into the world your way? I’d love to read it!
I’m so sorry to hear of your decision to give up publishing but I can understand your frustration with corporate entities and their profit motifs to justify the worthiness of literary contributions. After enjoying and nearly bonding with your creatures of the past two decades I will at a later date reflect upon and compose my characterization of your literary career and contributions.
Loved all the comments from your supporters! I also thought a chapter at a time on your blog would be wonderful! You have given your blood, sweat and tears to all of us! Your books hold a special place on my bookshelf. Love to you and Maria !
I strongly agree with the comment from Fran from Texas. Reading your blog is something I’ve done daily since you first started this blog. I even re-read entries back to 2007, and get to be with Rose and Red and Freida and Simon and Elvis and Winston and Mother, et. al., and relive again all your and Maria’s wonderful adventures on the farm. I have 15 of your books and enjoy them all. Keep up the wonderful blog (enhanced by your wonderful photos) and bless you for all the uplifting work you’re doing. Thank you!
Thanks for this essay, Jon. I’ve been reading your blog for several years and enjoy your stories and photos very much. I’ve never read your books but have several friends who have read all of them and praised your writing.
As you wrote, your blog is your new life in writing. It certainly reaches far more readers than any new book you could write. You are happy and doing wonderful things for seniors, kids, animals, your wife. What else can you ask from life?
I’ll close with several quotes:
“Don’t look back, someone might be gaining on you.” – Satchel Page
“There’s no success like failure, and failure’s no success at all.” – Bob Dylan
“Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievences, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past and not enough presence.” – Eckhart Tolle
Have been reading your books for years. Loved them and will continue to hold on to them and reread them. I love your blog. I read it daily. Best to you!
That would be awesome. I imagine it may be quite a hassle but I’ve always loved your books. I love the blog too but miss the continuity of relishing a complete story. Ah, change, it is inevitable. Thanks for years of entertaining and thought provoking writing in whatever form!
I’m sorry for me. I’ve loved reading your books. I’ll wish I could have read the book that will not come to fruition. (I’ll still be sorry for you too. I hope it doesn’t piss you off?). And I’ll continue to read the blog.
I was so very said to hear this. My very first book I read of yours was Running to the Mountain. A friend loaned it to me. And I was hooked. First I started to buy all your books in hardcover and what I could not get in hardcover I bought in paperback. I would read them over and over. Then my eyes starting to get old. And bad. And I moved onto a kindle which now all your books are on it. A friend of mine wrote a book back about 8 yrs ago and self published it on Amazon. Have you heard of Amazon Direct Publishing? You upload your manuscript and bypass having an editor and Amazon takes care of putting it into kindle format for you. I will miss all your stories. I wonder if you might think about publishing them in kindle format on Amazon for all your readers
Jon, what a beautiful tapestry you have woven in your lifetime. You are an eloquent innovator. I look forward to all the future “Golden” threads you will weave into your life’s masterpiece. Thank you for inspiring all of us.