17 January

-5. My Surrender

by Jon Katz

For some reason, I have always struggled with the notion of being sick. I hate it and fight it every minute. I know this is common with many men, but I have shed many of the hard baggage of men, and have had great trouble shedding this one.

It is frigid up here today, and I started coughing as soon as I went outside to help with the chores. Maria said she is realizing that no one ever taught me the sensible rules of life – like don’t go outside and take photos when it’s five degrees below zero.

There is some truth to that.

I’ve been sick for two weeks now, a viral infection of some kind that had me coughing for days, and still has me coughing sporadically and uncontrollably. Because I have diabetes and heart disease, I have been warned to take these chest and throat infections seriously, and so I do.

Mostly, I just decide I’m getting old and disintegrating, I am almost psychically unable to stop and just rest. I actually do more things to prove that I can.

But the coughing was wicked and kept me up all night, and I was gulping down too much cough medicine. My throat dried out, but I was woozy.

I went to see my very excellent doctor, her name is Amy Eldridge, she is a nurse practitioner and is a pleasure to talk to. She said I was okay, I had the kind of throat infection that is widespread in this area this winter, and it’s a stubborn one, it takes several weeks to heal.

My cough has been getting better, but slowly. And it’s still there.

Health practitioners are averse to anti-biotics these days, people are becoming immune to them, and that could be dangerous for me. I didn’t have a fever, and there was no sign the infection had spread to the chest, despite my painful coughing and wheezing.

We agreed on an over the counter cough syrup, she said I just need to rest, be patient and listen to my body. When I felt tired, lie down and rest and drink lots of fluids. Lots of people give me this advice – Maria, my friend Sue – but I have always resisted it, and been unable to do it.

Amy gave me the same sound advice. I didn’t really take it from her either.

Yesterday I had the revelation that was so long overdue. I really did need to rest. I canceled my trip to Bishop Maginn High School (I hate to do that, I feel as if I’m letting those kids down) and lay down for a few hours.

Then I got this e-mail from my friend, the writer Eve Marko:

I was sick for about a month, and last week a friend made some wicked eye contact with me and said: I know that when you’re badly sick you don’t do anything because you have no choice. Trouble is, the minute you start feeling stronger you do everything you usually do, and you slide back to where you were. She informed me that her husband had gotten a similar bacterial infection to what I had and ended up in the hospital for a week. It made me sit right up…From that day on (8 days ago) I really listened to my body, went to rest every time I felt tired (I could tell I was overdoing things when the cough resumed), canceled lots of stuff, and gave myself space not to run around. It made a tremendous difference and I feel so much better and stronger.
I take the liberty of telling you this because I believe that you too are a high-energy person, wanting to do things right and left. Really resting when one is sick is quite a challenge. Please take care of yourself at this time”
So I think I’m getting it, and accepting it.  I’ll write a bit and rest a lot and drink a lot. Sunday is Maria’s Snail Party and I’m doing the finger food – a pizza with fig sauce, mascarpone cheese and thin strips of prosciutto.
I’ve never been to a Snail Party before and want this one to be great.  I’m surrendering to the reality of being sick, and it’s about time. It’s never too late to grow up and learn.

6 Comments

  1. Fighting the same malady as you. It’s rampaging through the mid Atlantic and I’m on day 26 with it. Learned same lesson as you. Listen to yours body and slow down. Been helping my daughter with watching our two young grandchildren so my daughter can spend time with our acutely ill son in law and working full time. So some days listening to the body is not possible. But you can only do what you can.

  2. Nice photo, Jon. But you should have remained inside toasting under your flannel sheets and heave comforter. Get well!

  3. Jon, I can see how hard it is for you to take a break; you’re doing good and rewarding work, and the drive to keep doing it is strong in you. I have felt like you – not going to let a little cold or tiredness stop me! However, I am learning it’s not a sin to drop back, rest, assess, and take care of me. The world really can wait until I am fed and nurtured, in whatever way that needs to be. I used to feel this was giving in to weakness – and have come to see it as self care.

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