A visiting minister and I were talking about the danger of giving too much at the Mansion recently.

She said look at it this way, if you feel you are always being used, then thank God that you are useful at all.

There is a Mansion resident who has asked me for a lot of things – clothing, a watch, jewelry. I haven’t said yes to everything I’ve been asked for, but I have said yes to a lot of things. The other day, this resident came up behind me fairly shouted about something the resident wanted, some expensive clothes and sweaters.

Kassi, the Mansion director, was standing right near us and noticed that the resident hadn’t said hello or greeted me in any way, the resident just wanted something from me.

Kassi took me aside and said she wanted me to be careful that I was so generous she was concerned that this person was taking advantage of me.

She noticed the resident didn’t say hello to me, didn’t want to talk or visit with a dog. The resident just wanted me to buy something that seemed frivolous to me. I know this person’s room is stuffed with toys, games, and things most residents don’t have.

Kassi and I are very close, and always honest with one another, and I appreciated this caution, it rang some bells for me. I sensed this person had resources of their own.

I have no idea exactly how much money any of the residents have to spend, but I do know that in Medicaid facilities, there are residents who have no money to spend at all.

This information is confidential, I don’t ask, and I don’t know,  I rely on my observations and the aides to tell me who is in great need, who has no clothes or shoes or sweaters for the winter, who has no toothbrushes or soap or pajamas.

Helping to set up a Break Room for the Mansion aides is clearly a sound thing to do. It will bring great comfort and relief to many good and hard-working people at little cost.

But Kassi was reminding me, I think, to not let my visits be just about money or buying things. Sometimes I am nearly swamped by people asking for puzzles, baby dolls, warm shoes, or other clothes.

One resident is asking me repeatedly – every time I see her – for a bassinet for her baby doll.

This might sound frivolous, but this doll is her emotional center, caring for the doll has given her a focus for her life. To her, it is essential when I have the money I’ll do it.

In a place like the Mansion, a person who goes around buying things and dispensing gifts can unbalance people, raise expectations, lead to confusion. People who expect nothing are rarely disappointed. I don’t want to be seen as a Santa Claus with magic reindeers and boundless money.

But when someone is hot and humid on a roasting summer day and I can get an air conditioning system brought to their room, I will always want to do it.

But giving too much can be dangerous, it can lead to conflict and disappointment.

When I entered therapy after my troubles in Hebron, my therapist cautioned me that I had permitted people to use me badly, almost to the point of ruining my life.

You need to be careful about that, she said.

I knew I had used people as well, and so this became a serious issue for me, something I’m sensitive about.

How much is too much? When should I say no?

In this work I am doing, this is an important and confusing question.

I don’t spend other people’s money lightly; I make sure that the things being asked for or needed. But Kassi was pointing out a case where I had missed a different reality. I was being used. It wasn’t healthy for anybody.

I am careful to keep most of my visits about talking, reading, and seeing a dog. My favorite thing is to sit with a resident in their room and listen to them. I think that, and reading them stories and calling Bingo games,  is the most important thing I do, along with my work with Red, now Fate, soon Zinnia.

I don’t want to be a floating Wal-Mart.

But I see that the real and material needs are very great, and it is hard for me to look away, or say no sometimes. It’s something I need to be mindful of.  I want to err on the side of caution.

The best work I do doesn’t cost a dime.

There are only two people at the Mansion who I think might be using me rather than use their own resources and are asking me to get things they don’t need.

So I’ve said no, but it hurts inside of me. I love giving people things they need – toothbrushes, DVD’s, books,  flannel shirts, winter socks, sweatshirts, boots.

I love that Nancy will not be shivering outside in the cold all day, she’ll have a winter jacket, boots, and warm socks by Monday. And Nancy has almost nothing in the way of material things.

In my work at the Mansion and with the refugees in Albany, I am continually encountering people in extreme need.

And I know I can’t help most of them at all, let alone in a substantial way. If I can’t handle that, I shouldn’t be doing this work.

Some are without food or a few dollars to buy school supplies or jackets and sweaters for the winter. If I had a million dollars rather than a few hundred, I couldn’t put a dent in the need I see. I feel that very deeply.

Boundaries are critical in this work because I won’t ask for a lot of money, and I don’t receive a lot of money.  We do small acts of great kindness.

What makes Georgianna happiest isn’t when I bring her things, but when I stop to talk with her and laugh with her. What keeps her warm in the winter is sweaters and jackets.

After my work on the Mansion Break Room, I have $300 in the Mansion/Refugee account. I don’t keep people’s money sitting in the bank; I put it to work.

And there is a lot of work to do.

(If you want to contribute to this work, you can do so via Paypal, [email protected], or by check Jon Katz, Mansion Fund, P.O. Box 205, Cambridge, N.Y., 12816.)

I think the answer to this is that there is no clear or straightforward boundary, no simple answers.

I need to make sure many of my visits do not involve money or gifts at all. I need to be thoughtful and ask hard questions when necessary. I need to say no more often than I say yes.

I tend to believe that no amount of forgiveness could compensate for the mistakes I’ve made and the trouble I’ve caused. But maybe I have it backward sometimes. There is no compensation for the times I’ve been used either.

The real answer is to not use people or be used by them. I’m always working on it.