This is the second photo I’ve taken with my new three- lenses iPhone camera, and it reminded me that Fall is here, the leaves are just beginning to turn.  I’ve often wished to myself that when I die I might die like a leaf, with beauty and grace and acceptance.

Leaves are born beautiful and die beautifully.

Maria was on the other side of the leaves, the sun shining on her right eye through the leaves.

Dying this beautifully is not likely to happen to me.

Few of us get to die beautifully or in grace.

Today, for the first time in months, I told the Mansion that we couldn’t make it to Bingo tonight. I went over to the Mansion to tell the residents to face to face, I saw their disappointment.

Maria and I have fun at Bingo, we kid one another and bring sacks of stuffed animals and old jewelry from consignment stores. The residents were disappointed, but I told them I was just wiped out, tired from a long and demanding week. Zelda dying, two trips to Albany on Behalf of Bishop Maginn High School.

I brought Ellen a birthday present at the Mansion. She was sleeping in her room, sick and sad. A hard way to spend my birthday, she said. I gave her a National Geographic Book filled with beautiful animal photographs. She’ll love it

I think the Mansion residents understood that I need to get away.  I’m sure they feel that way themselves at times.

We are getting up at dawn, heading to Jean’s Place for breakfast, and then onto the Bronx Zoo.

I know I really need to stop – writing, reading, blogging, taking photos,  worrying about the Mansion and Bishop Maginn High School. I’ve learned the hard way that the danger in this kind of work is burnout.

You have to know when to pull back and stop.

When I feel this kind of weariness, I recognize it and I know I need to go see something else for a day or two. Tigers and elephants and snow leopards might do it for me.

Maria has a similar feeling, she has always wanted to go to the Bronx Zoo with me, we have the best times sitting around and watching the animals, as we did at the Boston Aquarium a few months ago.

We’re meeting my granddaughter Robin at the zoo, but she is not the point of the trip.  I’m afraid I might once again disappoint those exuberant grandparents whose grandchildren are the focal point of their lives.

I’m not one of them, at least not yet.

After a couple of hours, we’ll break off from Robin – perhaps she’ll want a stuffed animal – and go find some animals to stare at and observe.

I am happy to see Robin and to be present for her first trip to the zoo, but we really need to spend some time together alone, and we will.

Tomorrow night, we’re staying in a town along the Hudson River. I’m sorry not to mention the name, but when I’ve done that I’ve found that some generous people can be too helpful, we can take care of ourselves.

I am going to think a lot about humility on our little trip, I think it comes naturally when I pay attention to life. I have come to recognize – honestly – that I am worth little or nothing by myself, but potentially worth very much, because I can hope to be loved by others.

I don’t love myself because I am good, but because I become good when I am loved. Another big idea I was slow to grasp.

See you Sunday.