Maria had a hard day today, she took the plunge and set up her blog so that people could send her monthly donations. And apparently, a lot of people did. Yes!

Like me, it took her a long time to ask to be paid for her work, and it scared the wits out of her, as it did me.

Did she deserve it? Did she have to work even harder (hardly possible) to justify it? Asking for month donations was a major step for Maria and a perfect one. She works day and night on her art, her writing, her videos, her photographs.

“When I opened my email this morning and saw all the donations, honestly, I got a little scared,” she wrote on her blog. “A part of me immediately wanted to send thank-you’s and another part of me ( the part that won), wanted to run and hide. Instead of my feeling of self-worth soaring, it plummeted.”

By early afternoon, she was a lot scared. She wondered if she had made a colossal mistake. She asked if people would expect even more of her.  She wondered if she really had any more to give. She worried she might have overstepped.

“I still struggled with the idea of being afraid of success,” she wrote.”It rings true, but when I try to think about it, it makes no sense to me at all.   I certainly feel it though, and that makes even less sense to me.”

It is thrilling and difficult to watch Maria cope with this evolving view of herself; she rarely thinks she deserves anything. But I was thrilled that she had taken this step. As I have learned, it is profoundly important to be paid for your work if it is to have any real value for others or me (or her.)

People sometimes take advantage of Maria’s openness and kindness, and she is grappling with the reality that some people want a piece of her, more than they are entitled to seek. That comes with success, I’m afraid. It has happened a lot this year, it even happened today.

Maria deserves every penny she gets. We joke (sometimes half-seriously) about whether people will have to choose between one of us or the other. I tell her that the world is quite big enough for both of us. This is her time, I say, cherish it. This decision is a giant step for her, her self-respect, her future, and her security.

I try to help, and sometimes I can, but mostly she tries to figure these things out for herself. She wants very much to take care of herself, and she does and is.

If I can’t solve her problems, or use my magic want to chase her fear away,  I can usually make her laugh – she has an exquisite sense of humor –  and I figured out to do it. I’m good at making her laugh.

I remembered this old Humphrey Bogart movie that I loved, Bogart and a woman he was hanging out with were both nearly shot by some bad guys they had been bothering.

The woman was understandably terrified and ran to hide behind a desk.

In vintage Bogart farm, Bogie kept his cool and turned to his friend and said, “Welcome to the Big Time, Kid!” And she laughed and drank some whiskey.

So did Maria (laugh, that is). Every time I saw that worried or preoccupied look on her face today, I growled in my best Bogie impersonation: “Welcome To The Big Time, Kid!” And she laughed each time.

Laughter is sometimes the very best medicine. Maria can always laugh, even in the darkness, and laughter usually pulls her up.

She is feeling much better as I write this, and we’re going out to dinner tonight to celebrate. I have some more good lines to throw at her, including this one: this is one of the best things she has done.

She can pay for dinner, too, now that she’s getting paid for her work. I bought breakfast and lunch today, we have been on the move and eating out.

We don’t complain about working hard her on Bedlam Farm, and this is the life we chose and love. We do what we need to to do keep it. That is called living a meaningful life.

These days, I go to bed before she does, I go up to bed with her sitting in the living room figuring out her shipping, her taxes, and money, her blog, her videos, her substantial e-mail. (I often get up at 4 a.m. to write.)

She also handles the bulk of farm labor. It is a step towards wholeness that she took today, I might just have to get her some more flowers.

Maria has a lot of fear around performance and her right to ask for things.

She has no real conception of her talent or her worth; although she is getting there. She is quite strong when it comes to her art and the creative decisions she needs to make. There is very little hesitation or self-doubt there.

She has come a long, long way, and today, she came a lot further. She can do whatever she wishes to do.

Good for you, kid. Welcome to the Big Time.