“She loved them so much that she felt a kind of hollowness on the inner surface of her arms whenever she looked at them – an ache of longing to pull them close and home them tight against her.” – Anne Tyler, A Spool Of Blue Thread.
Robin went with Maria and her parents to Shushan today, to a park and river there. She stood in the water and tossed rocks around and loved it. I love the photos Maria (she took this one) and I have taken of Robin this week, I think she is loving it here.
Robin always makes me think.
When I am being honest about myself, I understand that one of the broken parts of me has to do with family, my own original biological family was such a mess, and sometimes a horror, that I have never known how to trust family or stay close to it.
I certainly love my daughter Emma, but we live pretty far apart, have sometimes struggled to communicate with one another, but have never given up on each other. That is love, I can tell you, especially when it isn’t easy.
She is different from me in many ways, similar in others.
I think she sometimes fears that I will just storm off as I did once and leave her behind. I’ve often done that in my life.
I’m not sure how to persuade her that I will never do that, she means so much to me, apart from Maria, and my reclusive sister, she is all the family I really have. I would not throw it away.
Now, a new challenge, her daughter, my granddaughter Robin, who is visiting with me for the second time, the first time that we can really communicate and that she can see where I live and how I live.
I think she loves it, and will love it more if she can visit more. That will be difficult. We are not far from Brooklyn, but getting to and from there is expensive and complex.
And she has as full and engaged a life as any child I know.
My ex-wife Paula is very close to Robin, she takes care of her frequently and she and Emma’s family often vacation with each other, something that I doubt will ever happen with me.
I think Emma and Robin are lucky to have her in their lives, I gather she loves being a grandmother and is both good at it and dedicated to it. She is involved and trusted with Robin and her life much more than I am or could be. That is not a complaint, I am grateful for it.
I sometimes feel guilty about that, and left out, and sometimes feel okay with it. I know what my grandmother meant to me, perhaps one day I will mean that much to Robin.
I am learning to accept who I am, I practice radical acceptance, it has been very good for me. I try to explain to people close to me that I work things out in my writing, not my talking, I say one thing and then sometimes feel another.
But when I write it, it is the truth, and I know it and accept it. What a gift writing has been for me..
That is hard for other people to grasp, and I understand that. Writing has saved me and helped me to know myself, it is hard enough explaining that to Emma, will Robin ever be able to understand it, or even care?
My own emotions are, as always muddle and confusing. I love Emma and I love Robin, and I very much want them to be part of my life, even as I stumble sometimes when I try to figure out how to do it.
I’ve sort of given up on the idea of the conventional grandparent, I just don’t see a path to it. And it isn’t me.
I love my life, and am deeply engaged in it. I don’t want to take care of Robin one day a week, I balk at being the conventional, devoted and ever-present grandparent of popular culture, books and movies and conventional wisdom.
I’ve worked so hard to build my life, I am Scrooge-like about giving parts of it away.
Yet I do feel this powerful connection with Robin, as well as with Emma, especially when I am her, and can see them and talk with them and show them my life and learn about theirs.
The visits are getting more and more special, more and more connected, to both of us I think. There is something about the chemistry between a grandparent and a grandchild that speaks for itself, and is a process all of its own. She clearly wants to know me, and that is a call I have begun to trust and accept. Emma wants it also.
Robin clearly wants to know me and talk to me and read with me and laugh with me. She have given me the name “me-paw” and I have resisted it, but am giving in to reality. I feel silly and self-conscious with names like that, so I need to get over myself.
I always feel awkward at the hundreds of messages I get telling me this is the most wonderful thing in my life, the best and most satisfying experience there is. I always get twitchy when people tell me how I feel because it is how they feel.
I think nobody in the world feels like me, and I feel like nobody else in the world. That is the power and beauty of the human spirit.
Maria and I have talked often about my fear of enthusiasm: wish for something too much and expect too much and you will be disappointed. Maria is enthusiastic about a lot of things, and I dearly love her for that, but I don’t have too much fuel in the tank, I run out of enthusiasm quickly.
Better to keep your expectations low, especially when it comes to family, I learned that a long time ago. People I know have always accused me of being guarded and wary about being enthusiastic.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t love or be loved.
Your reflections on being a grandparent resonated with me. My husband and I live on a 3 acre place in the high plains desert of Colorado. We have 2 grandkids and love them immensely. We are not conventional grandparents which is okay. The grandkids live 5 hrs away in a different state but as they’ve grown (one is 11 and one is 15) they have come to love the farm. It has become a quiet reflective learning space for them. Our internet is spotty so in their time here they have learned to garden, quilt, crochet, hang out with the barn cats, horses and our dogs and just be. This summer will be the sixth summer they have asked to come spend a few weeks with gramma and pops. I enjoy these days with them, our relationship is unique and a bit quirky. We all have our own type of enthusiasm and we are all capable of our unique way of showing and receiving love. Your farm is a beautiful place for a child to be.
I’m so happy for you that you have such a beautiful, lovely granddaughter I am happy for you, too, that you have been able to stay connected to Emma. Your loving acceptance of your ex’s involvement nd enjoyment of
the granddaughter is so very special. Cheers for all of you. Makes me smile lot, though she has all of that magnificent display of farm animals, etc., yet the thing that involves her interest the most is the fish tank snails.
I really, really enjoy your Robin pictures. Thanks for sharing, Me-Paw. I like it
Perhaps you are protecting your heart. I understand. I’m going to be a grandma, first grandchild. I’m not excited so far. She’s not very far along. You never know. Protecting my heart.
You don’t have to be what’s currently defined as a traditional grandfather to enjoy loving Robin and enjoy her loving you. Perhaps you’ll live long enough that she’ll remember you; perhaps you won’t. Your life is removed from hers in Brooklyn, but she is well-cared for by her mother and father, is doted on by her grandmother Paula, See her when you can, love her whether distant or far – everything will work out fine.
Heartfelt, honest, I can relate to some of it. Again, very much appreciate your honesty and your effort. AND, I’m a huge Anne Tyler fan..so you got my attention!
your reflections are great. keep on keepin on.
I always read your posts about Robin with great interest. I have a granddaughter a few months younger than Robin. Before I continue, I want to say : This is NOT advice. It is only my experience, and I know you are not like me. I too live upstate, while my granddaughter lives in Queens. I am an hour closer than you are. I have been similar to your ex-wife in my grandchild’s life. I made the time, because I wanted to. The thing I want to say to you is that I lead a very full life, with my husband, my creative life, my friends, my animals, my garden, my children, my grandchild. (I am 72 .) I could not choose which one was the most satisfying, because they all are, and I wouldn’t give up any of them. It’s unfortunate when people tell you that this SHOULD be the best experience of your life. But methinks you protest a bit too much. It doesn’t take anything away from the rest of your life. You don’t have to be any particular way. My granddaughter has 3 sets of grandparents (ah, divorce!) and she has different but good relationships with all of them. I understand what you mean about low expectations, although it seems painful to me. And for the record, she calls me Ga-Ga. It was the last thing I would’ve expected, but I kinda like it.
My granddaughter is 4 and means the world to me. We all build our own relationships in life and my experience won’t be your’s or vice versa. The common denominator is love. You seem to have that so all is well. She is cute as a button, by the way.
I share your wariness of enthusiasm & fear of disappointment. I am glad it hasn’t kept you from accomplishing things in your life. I think, in fact I’m sure, the expectation of failure & disappointment has kept me from trying many things I could have succeeded at.
My oldest grandchild will be 21 years old in a few months. Our relationship is one of both happiness & great sadness – very complex. My second son’s wife brought a daughter with her into our family. My son expected me to instantly adore and be the grandmother to this older child (who had grandmothers of her own) that my mother had been to him. My mother was the quintessential, perfect grandmother. She should have lived much longer than her 70 years and enjoyed her grandchildren and they her. I am not my mother. She was an extrovert with great enthusiasm and ability to express love in many ways. I am an introvert & in many ways feel emotionally locked in. Why? I don’t know. That wariness, that fear of disappointment. Now my youngest child is expecting her first child, so I am gearing up for grandmotherhood all over again. I will probably care for this little one 2-3 days a week. She/he will bounce between the other grandma and me while her parents work. I’m not sure how I’m even going to do it all again.
I love my grandchildren. I love to see them come and I love to see them go home. I would like to see them more often at times and at others I feel it is just right. They are growing by leaps and bounds and sometimes I feel I’ve missed the boat a little but, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am” From Popeye. Remember him?
I grok you. I have many of the same feelings about my grandkids…