Because of my hospice and Mansion work, people often ask me what I say to people who are grieving, for people, or dogs. People say they often seem to say the wrong thing, or offend people they are trying to comfort. I am familiar with that.

I’ve seen this happen often, and appreciate my hospice training. I don’t tell other people what to do, but I’m happy to share what I do.

First off, I should say that people who are actively grieving are tender and sensitive, and they often are upset by people trying to comfort them for something that cannot be made comfortable by the pleas of another person, or sometimes, by anyone.

In hospice, I learned it was not my job to tell people to move on or get over a loss of a person (or a dog or cat), that is an impossible painful thing for grieving people to hear. And it would be a lie, and I would never lie to a dying or grieving person.

I don’t believe that grief is ever something people can completely get over.

It is often a profound trauma and shock and wound, one of the worst in life.

I see that people move forward all the time when someone they love dies, but they don’t move on, and most often, can’t and shouldn’t. Their lost loved ones will always be with them, they will be spirits that move along with them as they move through their lives.

The last thing they want is to feel pressure to forget their lost ones and abandon them.

They can be happy, they can be fulfilled, they can find other people, but to tell someone who has lost a partner or child or dog to “move on,” is to suggest they should forget someone or something they have loved dearly, and don’t wish to move away from, and that is up to them, not you or me.

Secondly, I never try to cheer a grieving person up, I can’t tell them things will be all right, because that is not a promise I can make. That is a choice they have to make, not me, and in their own time and way. I had no right to tell anyone in or  out of hospice or after death that everything will be okay, even if I believe that to be true. Most of the time, it is just another lie, especially soon after a death.

It pressures the grief-stricken to stop feeling what they are feeling, or feel badly about what they are feeling. I’ve seen grieving people move forward in months, some take years, some may never fully “move on” or wish to. Most have lives as full as they want them to be.

What I was taught and learned in hospice is really to do nothing but listen. Help people do chores, get to appointments, sit and talk if they are lonely, take them to a movie or out to lunch if they want to go. Let them know you care.

The job of the friend of the grieving is to be an Active Listener. To be present, to listen to what people are feeling, to never tell them what they should be feeling or will be feeling. It’s not my job to make people feel better or to assure them everything will be okay. To a grieving person, that is clearly a false and unhelpful promise.

Dogs are not people, but quite often the same idea applies. Dog lovers don’t need to be told to “move on” or “get over it” either. As you know, I am often less patient and more judgmental about people who grieve for dogs for years and can’t seem to move forward with their lives, or the lives of other dogs.

But I should shed that arrogance.

I don’t equate the death of people with the death of dogs, but no matter how I might feel about it, I don’t tell anyone to “get over it,” I do recommend getting another dog as soon as possible, it is healing in my view. But that is not my decision either.

Grieving for human companions and friends is, as any shrink will testify, deeper and more painful than the loss of an animal usually is. Some people, don’t like to hear that, but that is my belief, and the belief of mental health professionals. Dogs don’t live as long as people, and they are not people, no matter what some people think.

It hurts, but it’s different. Still, dog grievers don’t need to be patronized or pressured either. They don’t need to feel more guilty or upset than they already do.

Promising people things will be better is a lie, at least at the moment. That does not relieve anyone’s pain or loss. We can’t know when they will be feeling better, or to what degree, or even if that is a proper goal for them. What I do is simply trying to be there, try to listen, be helpful if possible.  I sometimes bring books, or flowers or takeout food.

That’s the boundary, I’m there to help but not to take over someone else’s grief or assume responsibility for fixing it. That is not love. Love is respecting grief and loss and letting it follow the process of grieving and healing.

It is not my place to cheer anyone up or make false promises, that is hubris, and that is hurtful to people who have suffered a grievous loss. Because it suggests they are not grieving properly, or that they can just “get over it” because I asked them do. That is about me, not them.

I should also say that grieving people are easily irritated and angered. They often feel the world does not understand them and is not being helpful to them. That is part of the stages of grief, don’t expect the grieving to always be cheerful or appreciative. They are hurting badly.

It is very easy to make them angry, grieving people all have stories to tell of the hurtful or insensitive things people tell them, don’t be hurt if that happens. And I try not to make it happen.

My own feeling is that the best thing I can do is simply to be there, and to not assume the role of the therapist or exhort them to do something they must do for themselves, and in their own time.

Active listening is a gift, near or far from death. It has profoundly altered my perspective and my way of dealing with other people. The grieving need love and support, they do not usually ever need to be told what to do, unless by trained professionals.

Nobody I know likes the agony of grieving or needs to be encouraged to feel better. They want that a lot more than you want it for them.

I hope that is helpful.