Red and I went for our regular check-up – now twice a month – Tuesday at the Cambridge Valley Vet, Dr. Suzanne Fariello knows Red very well now and can monitor his health and movement.
His heart is stable, good news.
His arthritis is spreading throughout the lower spine however, causing temporary paralysis – his collapsing on the ground at times. He is totally blind on one eye, partially blind in the other.
As the arthritis spreads, one of two things will happen, Dr. Fariello said.
One is that he will be in great and continuous pain that can’t be eased or treated. The other could be complete and sudden paralysis that would prevent him from moving or eating.
Each of those would be untreatable, and would indicate euthanasia.
Red is a lucky dog with a wonderful life, but he is unlikely to have the mercy of dying in his sleep, as I hoped for him.
None of this is shocking to me, or even surprising. Recently, as Red is no longer able to run without dropping to the ground, I began to think either that his heart was failing or his spinal condition was worsening.
It was the later.
Red’s arthritis was already fairly serious, but it became critical when our pony Chloe stomped on his lower spine a couple of years ago. We can see now that it the arthritis is worsening steadily, pressing against his spine.
My job is not to wring my hands or seek comfort and pity, my job is to make sure I notice when Red is either in too much pain to go on, or is paralyzed.
The latter will be apparent, if it occurs. Since Red is such a stoic, like most border collies, he may not show it. I’ll look for panting, loss of appetite, and of course, little movement or response.
The day he doesn’t get up to follow me from room to room, or sit with me as I write, or ride with me as I go out, or want to do his therapy work, will be my message from him that it is time for him to leave us with dignity and comfort.
And nothing but gratitude.
It is possible this could go on awhile, but the fact that Red’s condition is visibly worsening suggests it will be sooner rather than later. As I wrote the other day, I respect life. I won’t live forever, neither will Red.
There is no reason to pity me or comfort me. Or to pity Red. I don’t feel sorry for him or for his wonderful life. He doesn’t feel sorry for himself, he doesn’t feel sorry for me.
Self-pity is a human construct, dogs accept life without complaint. Why should people feel sorry for me, if Red doesn’t feel sorry for himself? It feels like another one of those human projections to me. Dogs don’t need pity or ask for any.
I am learning to respect life also, I choose to live a life with dogs, that means accepting loss and death. We are the only species that knows it will die one day, Red is spared that profound understanding.
If my beliefs about spirit dogs is correct, Red’s work is coming to an end here, he will go when he is ready and will rest up and refresh himself, and get back out into the world.
There, he will return to brighten and help define the life of another lucky human.
As for me, I am glad that I know I will die. I have learned that peace comes from facing life, not hiding from it.
How would you define grief Jon?
Susan, I can’t do that here, I do it in my writing on the blog, I thank you for asking..it’s a good question. I’ll write about it on the blog..
Thanks Jon. I was hoping you would do that!
S
Thanks Jon. That’s what I was hoping for!
s
Thank you for these messages about Red and about you. Your perspectives about all your pets have helped me again and again. The gratitude for sharing my pets’ lives has always soothed my missing them.
We recently (February) let our 10 year old Rottweiler mix Amber go with dignity. It was hard and tears were she’d. There are so many wonderful memories. We rescued a Plott hound mix a month after and now have the joy of raising a new puppy. We did what was right for Amber. My heart goes out to you as you go through this journey with Red.
Red is lucky that he found the right person (with help from Dr Thompson of course) who was able to give him the kind of life he was meant for. Lucky too that he has people who love him enough to help him when the time is right and let him go with the dignity he deserves.
You are wise, Jon, in the way you deal with losing your dogs. All that you say is absolutely right and I know it but I guess my wiring is faulty.
Love you Red.
Your wiring is beautiful, Carolyn, there are many different ways to grieve. Nobody can or should judge the way you do it, I just write about how I do it. Your cats are wonderful and beautifully cared for. There is no judgment of you here..and there is nothing faulty about the way you are.
I have lost four dogs due to immobility problems-always heartbreaking, some I let go I felt afterwards, too late, one too soon-but iti s a condition that requires quality of life decisions, and when they can’t get up to go to the bathroom it is just a tad on the late side – phew – it’s so hard -love to you all
I agree with you completely Jon regarding when the time comes to let go of our beloved pets. Like you I have always hoped that mine would go in their sleep….it never happens. But when their time comes I am always there with them . It tears me apart and I cry , not because they have died but because I will miss their company so much . I had to let my 17 year old Pug Hari go just before last Christmas …it was time and I would not let him suffer , I never do that with any of my dogs that I have had in my life and I never will, but Oh the pain of his loss , as I write this tears are streaming down my cheeks . I have two others and love then dearly, but there was something special about Hari . I have read about your life with Red since you first wrote about him , along with others you have had over the years and I know you will do what has to be done when the time comes . He has been a fantastic dog with all the things he has done especially visiting terminally ill and elderly people , but most of all he was very fortunate in having you as his owner and likewise you were very fortunate in having him as your dog. Don’t bottle your emotion up inside Jon , crying shows how much you love him and for that matter always will . God bless Barbara.
Blessings to you, Red, and Maria. I like the thought of Reds spirit refreshing himself and embarking on another “heroes journey” with a soul that needs a spirit dog. My daughter and I felt much the same about her horse Missy. Missy came into her life to guide her and me through a trauma she had suffered as a child. For 20 years the 2 were inseparable and when Missys work was done my daughter was able to let her go with the grace and dignity Missy deserved. Isn’t it amazing how these beautiful animals come into our lives and open us up to love, compassion, and healing!
Beautifully written sir.
Love ya Red — my deepest gratitude for your presence in my life and the joy that I received each time we were in each other’s presence. Your wise knowledge of my ever changing inner landscape as demonstrated by you getting up suddenly and putting your head on my knee. As you make your way through your journey, if you happen to meet Kio my other dear canine friend and my spirit dog, please enjoy yourselves to the fullest and remember me if you will. Thanks my friend.
It’s very hard when our loved animals leave us, but you’re setting a good example by your wise and caring decisions about Red. These decisions are in Red’s best interest instead of your own, which is what matters He is such a special dog and I know how much he means to you (to all of us blog readers, actually). Your animals enjoy such good lives on Bedlam Farm because they’re owned by you and Maria; and Red has had the best life a border collie could have: herding sheep, doing therapy work and having woods and rolling hills to explore. I know he’ll always live in your hearts.
Jon, thank you yet again for your thoughts regarding helping our pets to live well, then go with dignity if it is up to us to help them when the time comes. We’ve had to do this twice in the last year with our dogs, and while it was so hard at the time, what helps is knowing that it was the right thing to do in that situation. And we gave them the best lives we could, which our friends and vet reinforced. I’ve followed the blog for years, and appreciate your perspective on this.