I came to the Mansion to read some stories to the residents, their power had been cut off so that workers could make some electrical repairs. I was surprised to find Ruth waiting for me at the door, gesturing urgently for me to come and speak to her.

“The ceremony might be off,” she said. “I had a big fight with Wayne, and I’m very angry and very upset.” The Commitment Ceremony in questioned in slated for next Wednesday at 2 p.m. – I’m officiating.

I learned today that I was also couple counseling, I suppose it comes with officiating and being a Best Man.

Cancelling the Commitment Ceremony would send a lot of money and good will down the drain, but I told Ruth we would cancel it in a second if that is what she and Wayne wished. This could put a dent in any plans I have to become an online minister.

I asked what happened, and she told me the story, which was not pretty.  Wayne had not only upset her but refused to talk about it.

Just tell me what happened, slowly.

I am not at liberty to mention here or anywhere else exactly what the quarrel was about but it was apparently loud and deep. It was about telling the truth and saying hurtful things.

One member of the staff came over to me and said they both needed to learn how to work out arguments between them, especially Wayne, who has never been in a relationship before in his life, and does not always understand the complexities of give and take.

I could see the aide was upset and she wondered out loud – while looking straight at me – if someone might step in and mediate the dispute before it got out of hand. I could see Ruth was quite angry, and I was already wondering what kind of alternative surprise party we could stage with the cake and cookies.

“We just had a bad fight,” Ruth said. “Maybe we should call the ceremony off?” I was a bit open-mouthed, I think, and then collected myself.

But I wanted to see if I could help. When I was in a Quaker Meeting, I was asked to mediate disputes and learned Quaker techniques for listening and de-escalating arguments.

I took the hint and went into the dining room with Ruth and Wayne. Privacy is a complicated thing at the Mansion, we had our own table, but we were surrounded by people starting at us. I could see word of the fight had gotten around.

I could also see Wayne had been crying, he was awfully upset, pale and shaken. He seemed utterly heartbroken at the idea the ceremony might be cancelled.

Ruth was very angry. She asked me if Maria and I ever have fights. And also, what did I think about what she had just told me?

I know Wayne well, he has always been alone in the world. He has no family anywhere around and no money. A relationship like this is very new to him and he is often confused about how to deal with conflict. I am sure he feels excited, and confused, and probably, frightened.

Ruth has had several relationships in her life, and also family members nearby. I think  Wayne will need some help dealing with the tensions that arise in any relationship. I also know this couple, they seem very comfortable with one another, very devoted to one another.

Nothing about this will be simple or crystal clear, but I feel confident it is a good and loving thing to do. Also, the other thing about commitment ceremonies is that people can walk away from them at any time, no lawyers, no fees, no divorce proceedings.

My idea is to give them a lovely and dignified ceremony, the rest is up tot hem.

Plus there are the issues of aging.

These two will not be married, cannot be living in the same room, and are always one serious injury or illness away from being transferred out to a nursing home. The Mansion is an assisted care facility, the staff is not permitted to conduct any medical treatment or special care beyond dispensing medicine prescribed by doctors.

If people get very sick, they leave. And Wayne has been very sick.

Ruth and Wayne live in a fragile world, we have talked about the idea of living in the moment, in the day. They have both attended my meditation classes every week.

I said every couple, married or committed, have fights. If you can’t resolve arguments and work through them, then binding yourself to another, hopefully for life,  in any kind of way, is a bad idea. Did Ruth, I asked,  really want to give up the relationship and the ceremony because they had one fight?

And can you, Wayne, learn to compromise and enter into the give and take of any healthy relationship? Do you understand that you are not the boss, but a partner, and you make decisions together?

If never being angry was the idea, Maria and I would not have lasted a month.  The question is how to do you deal with it.

Wayne said yes, he did understand that. Ruth stepped in to say she would be faithful to him whether they fought or not, and wanted them to have this ceremony. This felt like something they just needed to get out of their system, the ceremony is a big deal to them.

Fighting is healthy, I said, as long as it is kept in check. It’s like flushing a toilet, it’s how you deal with the bad and annoying stuff without really hurting or getting hurt.

Both were listening to me, they had quieted down. I spoke softly, and for me, quietly.

It took awhile for Ruth to absorb this reasoning, she has a temper, but she was paying attention and calming down. I asked her to tell Wayne what it is she wants from him, and for him to the same to her.

Ruth talked to Wayne honestly and directly, and she said she loved him. She wanted him to promise her would never lie to her and he said he was sorry and he asked her to go ahead with the ceremony. Then they took hands, hugged and kissed.

The tension and anger drained out off of the table, and they both started talking about the things they needed for the wedding. Wayne had somehow all of the wedding clothes I had gotten him, clothes and shirts. I went online with him and ordered more clothes for the wedding.

I brought them both blue beaded bracelets to give to one another during the ceremony, along with the rings each of them will also be giving to each other.

I brought a sheaf of vows and poems and commentary and we went through them and I read the ones I wanted to read or share or give to other people to read.  They liked them. Ruth upped the number of people she wanted to read to four.

Ruth and Wayne hugged, and both were crying in relief. I think Wayne has a temper when pushed, one I have never seen. I think Ruth can be blunt and outspoken. I think they each scared the hell out of one another with this fight. I liked the way they came through it and back to a good place.

And I thought it was a great gift to both of them to learn they could have a fight and still love each other. It just wasn’t the end of the world, I said. I felt good about this mediation.

I said they should feel free to call me if there were any other troubles. I got a long hug from each and a thank you that felt very sincere to me and gratifying.

So the Commitment Ceremony will go on, it feels good to me, and the Mansion has given me another strange new credit to add to my resume: counselor.

No charge, I told Ruth as she gave me an enormous hug and thanked me.