I feel as if I’ve been looking for my voice most of my life, in my writing and in my life. Voice is everything to a writer, and I never quite trusted mine until fairly recently. Then, I began having problems with my actual voice.

On my radio show and even on the first couple of podcasts, I felt hoarse, my throat was dry.

I was gulping water and fighting to keep myself talking.

At times, I had to stop talking, my voice just disappeared.

A few people complained about lip smacking and said they wouldn’t follow me for that. Trying my monologue for my acting class, my voice struggled. After a few moments, it just gave out.

I went to see Dr. Peter Van der Riet at the Saratoga Hospital Medical Group, where all my doctors now seem to be – cardiologist, diabetes, and Dr. Ven der Riet, ear nose and throat. I am very happy with all of them, I feel I have found a welcoming and efficient home for my health.

We talked so easily and productively I felt it was like a commercial for the hospital. But the odd thing, is that it was very real. I always felt lonely going to see my doctors, I don’t any more.

It took a long time, a confusing and challenging time. But when you have heart disease and diabetes, it’s important to have doctors  you can speak to. Male doctors are not always good at that.

This doctor altered my stereotypes about male doctors, he was warm, open and actually seemed to want to know who I was and what was going on with me. He first put me on what is called a nose rinse, I can stop doing that.

He ended up with a surprise diagnosis for me, some problems with a stomach reflux that was causing me to cough and clear my throat – even lip smack. I’m now on  two light medications for this, and I feel easier and clearer already.

My voice seems confident of itself again, at least for today.

Dr. Van der Riet is sensitive to not prescribing pills for the sake of it.

He said my throat and mouth was not especially dry, although my diabetes and age will tend to dry the throat out somewhat over time. He thought I will be fine for the radio and my podcast, I am glad to have gone to see him.

He and I clicked, we talked about a lot of things. He is a loving and thoughtful father, we talked about the challenges of parenting, and also of being young in a world driven by technology. It is hard to stay in touch with our children, they live in a different world than we do, the gap is wider than ever.

I brought him a book, Hamlet On The Holodeck by Janet Murray, a study of how gaming and the Internet is changing the narrative and neural systems of younger people.

His determination to be a good father made me trust him all the more. So I can’t rant against male doctors any more or generalize about them.

I don’t need to see Dr. Van de Riet for six months, I will miss the talks we had. I am lucky with my doctors now. I had the same kind of feeling with my new cardiologist, a woman,  and I’m meeting a new diabetes doctor in two weeks, she is also a women. All of them are associated with the same medical group, so they have easy access to all of my prescriptions and tests and records.

I find it’s important to me to have that kind of support. We all know health care is complex and frustrating, but I feel like I got myself to a good place with good people to help me with mine.

I have a nurse-practitioner right here in my town, she helps co-ordinate all the medications I might need. She is also accessible and warm.

It is odd to feel this connection with all of my doctors. But it’s nice.

I like to see doctors are infrequently as possible, but I learned the hard way to pay attention to my health. So far, so good. Each of my doctors has tested me and pronounced all of my tests – blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol – excellent.

My N-P even gave me a sticker that says “smart patient.” I don’t think Dr. Van der Riet does stickers.

And I think I can get my voice back and keep it. I am fond of my voice.

And I am fond of my life. I didn’t always want to live for a good while. I do now.

If I died, I hate to think of the broken dishes from Maria’s irresponsible stacking. She needs me.

I love the podcasts I am  doing with Maria, I’m reassured by Dr. Van der Riet that my voice will stay with me. That is good to know.