26 April

Caring About Red. Arousing The Judge Judy’s

by Jon Katz

I call them Judge Judys. They sit and wait for people to show some humanity and vulnerability, and then they strike, usually in packs.  They will drink your blood and sleep in daylight.

Our wonderful country has been cloven in half, the house divided. There are people out there on smart phones who instinctively move to comfort the troubled, there are people out there who instinctively move to assault them.

These are all parts of our complex national character, our increasingly schizophrenic Republic. About the only thing left we all love are our dogs.

We are a generous people, we are an angry and selfish people.  We are split in two.

The other day I wrote about an impulsive – and for me – a heart wrenching -impulse and decision to let Red do an outrun, he seemed so eager to work.  With Red, and his weak heart and damaged spine, every outrun could be his last outrun, one way or another.

I saw him struggling to run and thought about the wisdom of letting a dog with spinal trouble, declining eyesight and a weakening heart run after some sheep.

I decided to let him do it. I saw how much he wanted to do it.  I am not prepared for Red to never move sheep again, and there are much worse ways for him to go. He is a creative of great pride and spirit, I don’t wish to break it.

My choice, my call. My responsibility.

When I saw  how slow he was, I told him to lie down.

It was a mistake, I knew that pretty quickly.

It was very difficult to refuse to let this magnificent dog  fulfill his destiny for a few minutes on that beautiful Spring day, the kind of day he may or may not live to see next year. Maybe I’m just not strong enough.

I wrote that it was a mistake, and I told myself I shouldn’t do it again, although I can’t swear that I won’t.

Our vet has urged me to let Red run when he wants to and can – it is healthy for him to do so, and yes, there is a risk to it.

There is also a great risk to his never moving much again. That is not healthy for an active border collie unless it is completely impossible.

The Judge Judys were out there in their robes on their podiums, laptops and smartphones  at the ready. They came swooping down on me.

Sometimes, I think there are millions of Judge Judy clones out there in the ether, watching their computers and trolling for people to scold and judge. It costs nothing and takes little time.

MJ was one of the first to share her indignation: “I feel bad for Red. You set him up to fail you. Why would you do that?”

Several things struck me about MJ’s message and the others I began to receive.

One, my own admission of error  and doubt – can I dare call it honesty? – did not matter to  her. Red is fine. I could have just kept it to myself.

Two, she didn’t feel bad for me or Maria or the many people who live with Red and love him.

Three, she assumed, as all the Judge Judys do, that she loves my dog more than I do, an arrogant presumption, given she knows neither one of us, and a common refrain if you write about animals.

And Four,  she is another prime example of why it is so difficult for many people to honestly and openly share their lives on what is supposed to be a free and connective medium.

There is something vampiric about the Judge Judys, they drink the blood of the wounded and confused, they seem to be nourished by it.

I know that you have to be careful who you listen to online, I chose not to listen to MJ. and the Judge Judy’s.

I listen to the people – the many people – who nourish me.

Who  understood without being told what a painful position I was in, one of those dilemmas where there are no good choices, and you feel badly about all of them. I listen to people who have the gift of empathy, the highest measure of humanity to me.

They can stand in the shoes of others. They can stand in the shoes of me.

I wrote MJ back saying the answer should be obvious, I am the devil, another of Satan’s spawn. She vanished lie a puss of smoke, it’s a curious thing about them, they can bite and sting, but they never hang around.

I believe as a writer and a growing human being that I am bound to show my vulnerability, the bad stuff as well as the good stuff. And I am committed to sharing my life openly and honestly.

It is the point for me.

Writing here in the open, putting it out there, showing up has shaped and in some ways saved my life.  I like me better than ever. I think it is true that I am in some ways defined by the people who dislike me. I am bound to the Judys, as you can see, they are the first teachers who stuck it out with me.

I am grateful for them. They have shown me how to be  strong, how to stand in my truth. They have helped me learn how to be authentic, and to show the worst parts of me, and thus to search for the best parts.

What a small price their messages are to pay for that. And look what they have taught me. Authenticity is everything to me. I am enthusiastically imperfect. Every day of my life, I have the opportunity to look in the mirror and hope to be proud of the person looking back at me.

Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. I am always human. As Maria taught me to say, I am enough.

15 Comments

  1. You will understand Red to the best of your ability and he will understand you, to the best of his. That has worked so far and it will work until the end, whenever that comes. No one else’s opinion counts. Even mine.

  2. There is a Subaru car commercial with an injured Border Collie that finds sheer joy inn herding sheep from the passenger seat of the sheep ranchers car. I wish that I was savvy enough with a computer to find and send it to you. I think you might get a kick out of seeing it.

      1. Fantastic film. Gosh – first off Jon made me laugh and laugh about the draining board sculpture or disaster, depending whose eyes see it Maria’s or Jon’s – and then this film brought tears of happiness to my eyes.
        Thank you all on a very windy day here in a forest in South West Wales, UK

  3. no matter what you do in a situation like the one with Red, there will be people to condemn. They won’t take time to see the love and concern involved. I hope you are able to continue to ignore them.

  4. When I read how you felt about the decision with Red, I instantly knew you would take heat for it. I rarely disagree with anything you write and I appreciated your honesty about that day. Who could possibly love Red more than you do? The emotion pours forth every time you have written about him.
    When I read the comments you relate, I am reminded that “We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are. “

  5. Dear Jon; Two times before, I have started a reply to your posts about Red and his decline. But I erased them and ‘moved on’ on FB. But this time I must speak out concerning the Judge Judys.
    Red is your dog. YOUR dog. If anyone who reads your blog regularly has any doubt of the level of love you have for this dog, well, they are just not paying attention.
    For someone to suggest you deny Red some freedom to herd a few sheep and to run around a bit is just plain wrong, in my opinion. To deny him those pleasures, if you will, is to deny him of life itself. Do they actually think Red is not aware of his declining health? Do these Judge Judys actually think you would jeopardize him?
    I have had and still have animals with medical issues. And all care and decisions are between me and our vet. Period. I make decisions by weighing all options with compassion and understanding of the situation and I have no regrets regarding my decisions. I know you are doing the same.
    I sign off wishing you and Maria a peaceful weekend.
    ((hugs))

  6. We just do the best we can…that’s all we have. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not complicated really. Red is blessed. He has lived a life he has loved with people who loved him. We should all be so lucky.

  7. It’s a fine line you are traveling with Red and doing what is best for him is your call, right or wrong. The Judy’s of the world would do it differently, again—right or wrong. There are no easy answers for what is best for Red. I find d it incredible that people think there is a one size fits all.

  8. I went through the same thing recently when my young Greyhound was diagnosed with bone cancer. Many judgmental people thought i was a terrible pet owner for letting him live 5 months with a tumor on his leg. They thought I should have had him euthanized immediately after the diagnosis. I am so glad I didn’t listen to the Judge Judys…I found an effective pain management protocol, and he enjoyed every day of those last 5 months…running and playing in the yard even though there was the danger of the leg fracturing. He enjoyed his life right up to his final moments with us. I am glad I gave him those final months to enjoy the things he loved most in life….I am glad I didn’t listen to the Judge Judys.

  9. I believe that we are all one spirit of consciousness. We are not the mind, not the body but the light that powers the mind and body. It is not our thoughts, it is the one who observes in the silence of the heart. Hindus call it the Self. That same spirit of life powers Red and birds and trees and us. The people and events that arrive, both good and bad, are here to help us grow spiritually. Those that are unkind are volunteers in our spiritual progression and we in theirs. Before time began this whole life was scripted by each of us with an eye to our spiritual development. And in the light of that belief, I am grateful for the unkind as well as the kind. Red is fortunate that you love him so much you want only what nurtures him in all ways. May you be richly blessed for your great soul and many kindnesses.

  10. Jon, thank you for reinforcing what I need to do – is mind my own business. Some of us, me especially, think we are “helping” others with our comments or instructions on how to live their lives. As Anne Lamott said, “Help is the sunny side of control.” I needed to read this post, I need the reminder that my work is me, my acre, my business. Thank you.

  11. My parents English Setter is getting older and developing arthritis. She loves to run in the woods and hunt birds. first I was a bit of a “Judge Judy” with my Dad but with some medication and a little less running, she still gets to do what she loves. You know your dog and I will never judge someone for trying to give joy to an animal that has given them so much..

  12. Dear Jon,
    Unfortunately this is the world we live in now. I am not a big social media person for that reason. To many critics. I honestly understand you letting Red run the other day. I sat here and cringed “ugh what is he doing” but Red and you and Maria are not mine to make decisions for. You KNEW what you were doing.. that “one more time” thing for him. I am very well assured you more than anyone knows and sees how Red is declining. He has had a wonderful life with you. Now is the time to let him rest beside you and enjoy his life from the sidelines. I admire how honest you are and must say this is the one of the reasons I follow your blog. I got criticized for letting by Boston Terrier who I found had mouth cancer the Friday before Christmas go until a week after New Years. I was completely unprepared for her diagnosis. It was so heartbreaking, she was only 6. I dealt with the holidays, loved on her and took the best care of her I could.. and on the Monday after New Years I said my goodbyes, as hard as they were. I only shared this with one person on Facebook. Then left Facebook for a couple of months. We all can only do what we are able to.. And we always try to do our best!! Please give Red a hug and kiss.. or an ole pat on the head… He is a remarkable dog.. and you are a remarkable Owner who shows his love in so many, many ways.. Thank you for sharing him with us..

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