“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin.
Even if I had permission, I would be almost embarrassed to tell the story of the conflict that sparked Thomas Toscano’s abrupt departure from WBTNAM and doomed my little radio show.
Typically for the corporate conflicts I have witnessed, people just stopped talking to one another, communicating only through letters or not at all. Misinterpretations and misunderstandings grew like wildflowers.
I had a hard time connecting and rationalizing the end of the show to other people’s inability communicate with one another. It couldn’t be that this was the reason! When will I learn?
In my life, I have always associated this kind of conflict with men, and I saw it everywhere I went.
I wonder at times if most men can possibly live in the world without conflict and conquest. If men went away, the jails would empty like water in a tub.
I don’t mean this in a political sense, our politics are a nightmare beyond me. I have nothing to add to what everyone else had added, again and again.
An advantage of growing older is that I have a growing framework in which to see life in its complexity and difficulties.
It seems to me that all of my life, so many of the forces shaping my work and well-being have involved men and what I have come to see as the inherent inability of so many – not all – to resolve conflict or deal with differences and disagreements in a healthy and peaceful way.
Or to talk. Or to share vulnerability. Or emotion.
I remember my father’s absolute inability to admit mistakes, to listen to another point of view, to empathize with anyone but – this puzzles me still – children in trouble with the law. He was a very sympathetic social worker, but I never once new him to change his mind, negotiate a difficulty, hear my thoughts, or resolve a family conflict successfully.
I never heard him say an authentic or vulnerable thing, not even on his death bed.
At the end of his life, my father ran Big Brothers Of America, many people regarded him as a saint. I was not one of them.
This problem with men was the template for much of my life.
I remember when I was a newspaper editor in Baltimore, the company wanted to expand and improve its papers, they authorized me to hire 70 young and talented reporters from all over the country. When the 70th one arrived, the publisher called me into his office and told me the company was changing its mind, he wanted me to lay all of them off.
Every one. I was horrified. I knew I couldn’t do it.
I said I wouldn’t, and that I would quit first. I did quit, the publisher wished me well and yawned and hired another editor in a day or so. I thought my quitting would be a big deal, but it wasn’t really. By the end of the week, almost everyone but me forget about my “heroic” gesture, I was sitting alone at home freaking out about money.
When I worked in Texas, my boss had a drinking problem. We all decided to do an intervention and force him to get help. The publisher was behind the idea, my boss returned six weeks later unchanged and not healed, and hating me for what he saw was a betrayal.
I quit and headed back East with my wife and infant daughter, I was freaking out about money.
Okay, so those interventions we hear so much about don’t always work. I thought it the honorable thing to do was to resign.
That awful time ended my newspaper career, I went to CBS News.
During my time as a TV news producer, the bloodletting and intrigue was so savage that I swore off working for other people and big corporations altogether and began my book writing career. Blessedly, I have been working for myself and earning a living writing books for more than 35 years.
I am lucky.
Whenever I get near an organization, I hold my breath until the inevitable conflict breaks out and blood flows, especially if all of the participants are men. I know there are many difficult women as well, but most of the people where I worked were men.
I believe testosterone sends men off of the cliff of acceptable behavior, and spurs them to fight rather than compromise, and sometimes, to abuse and intimidate.
Time and again, I meet men who cannot listen, and will not talk. Conflict enmeshes them like a shroud. I wonder if this was nature’s way of toughening up the hunters and gatherers.
I had a falling out with a good friend a couple of years ago, I asked him several times if he wants to talk aboutit, he always says he does, most in Facebook messages, he says that he will call me any day, for sure. But he never does, and I know he never will. He would rather lose the friendship than talk about it.
I know a lot of men like that.I would prefer not to be one of them.
I think that is what I liked so much about my friend Paul Moshimer. He always wanted to talk about it. He dreaded conflict and swore off of it. He hung himself from a pine tree near his home.
I am not yet over it.
I am not an especially political person, but I see this machismo very much in our government and politics, this hatred of compromise or retreat. Opponents become enemies, people who think differently pariahs and objects of scorn.
The idea seems to be conquer and control and dominate at all costs and by any means.
So many of our politicians remind me of the football players I dreaded when I was younger, they would hurt anyone and do anything to win. They were heroes to younger men.
The shrinks say that most men never see other men talking to each other, listening and changing and empathizing. Since they don’t see it, they never learn how to do it.
Or maybe it is simply in the male gene. Hunt and gather, fight and conquer. Isn’t that what our politics are all about now, will women act just like men?
I believe women are different. The mess at my radio station was a classic male confrontation, like those You Tube videos of mountain deer banging into each other with their antlers.
Nobody talked to anybody else. They wrote letters or sent e-mails. They steamed and fumed. When you stop talking to each other, misunderstanding and resentment breed like rats. The men at the station talked about each other but never to each other. When there was real trouble, lawyers were dispatched to write letters. Friendships melted away.
An eminently avoidable conflict became an ugly and irresolvable one. There goes my radio show, a small thing in the general order of things, but still….it’s not about me.
This observation and feeling about men has become a bigger concern. Greed and arrogance and ignorance are the hallmarks of so many men.
Men are close to wrecking the world and our country with it. Will we really let them?
I think that is what bothered me the most when I knew my little radio show was doomed.
Only the men around the station could save it, but to do that, they would have to speak with each other. No way.
Jon, you are an innately kind person.
“But one should never trespass on kindness. Human kindness is like a defective tap, the first gush may be impressive but the stream soon dries up.” P.D. James
Perhaps as you intimate Mr. Toscano felt threatened by your abilities and enthusiasm, or maybe he did not agree with other players within the radio station hierarchy.
I, of course, do not know the circumstances of the downfall of your radio show, but I suspect someone trampled severely on your human kindness and ideas which is very sad and unfortunate. You are a great believer in all methods of communication and it is too bad that a radio station…of all things…a huge mode of communication…could not communicate within its ranks!
What I do know is that your new Podcast is a wonderful alternative and fantastic solution! Go Maria and Jon!
Thanks Fran, Thomas is a complex man, he is struggling to figure out where he fits into the world. I told him he needs to be working for himself,not others. But the same can be said of me.
Hi John
There is a fairly new radio station in London called Mens Radio Station. It’s on Sundays at 1500 GMT and you can listen online either at time of tx or afterwards. I think you would make a great guest. It was set up precisely for many of the reasons you mention in this post.
Interesting, thanks…
Jon,
Ironic that you posted this subject in this blog because my husband and me had this very discussion last night.I won’t go into the details other than to say that we agreed that if women were running the governments around this world of ours there would probably never again be another war….women talk to each other.
And there would be hardly anyone in jail and only a fraction of the gun violence in our country and the world.
Speaking as a woman, I find your characteristic of us as different from and better than testosterone-filled men patronizing and demeaning. Positive stereotypes are still stereotypes, and this is a stereotype that you trade on over and over again: you consider men warlike, competitive thugs, and women gentle creatures willing to negotiate peacefully. That’s patent nonsense. We’re all ndividuals, and the women I know don’t appreciate it when men attach saintly characteristics to our entire gender. You might want to check out Rachel Bloom’s wonderful “Let’s Generalize About Men” for an education: https://youtu.be/Lu3FE7BswYI
I’m quite comfortable with my characterizations of the men I worked with, Jeon, I can’t alter the reality of my life to be politically correct for you. I am happy to have disagreement, but your message seems a bit self-righteous to me and not persuasive. You are very much entitled to it. I think men are destroying the world right now, as well as much of our democracy, and I am not a thug, but I do feel men make wars, seek conquests, refuse to compromise. Just watch the news for God’s sake. So I will keep on describing my life and I see it and lived it, and you can, of course, get huffy about it. I am not writing about men I don’t know, rather men I do know well, and I don’t think Rachel Bloom has much to say about that. And I’m not going to lie about how I feel because it somehow is patronizing to you, a complete stranger. Really?
I’m Joan, not Jean, and I’m a woman, not a man. Your experience as a Boomer white man has very little relevance or insight into the experiences of women. You’re reinforcing stereotypes, and you should consider the negative impact of those stereotypes on those of us to whom they apply.
Joan, I’m afraid I have no idea what you are talking about. I don’t believe I’ve written much about women, but I think you don’t get to decide who I write about or when. If I wish to write about women, I will certainly do so. I’m so sorry you think I am a white man, you are misinformed. Where did you get that idea? That is racist.
You are a stereotype to me, the kind of person on social media who attacks people they don’t know and makes the Internet a cesspool of judgment and hostility. I see why you are so sensitive about protecting men. You should consider the negative affect of being nasty and of telling other people what they should think and write. Congratulations on reading someone you like more than me, I’m sure there are many out there.
P.S. I should confess that I wrote about Brene Brown today, and Aretha Franklin yesterday and Maria every day, and I forget to ask your permission. Let me know if it’s all right.
You are sooooo right about the intervention thing, too! But I was lucky. I took it upon myself to step up to the plate last May when my remaining sister was smoking and drinking herself to death. I called her doctor and her nurse spoke with my sister and told her she had to get to the ER right away because her excessive smoking had exacerbated her COPD and she couldn’t breathe. I called a taxi, pushed her into it and told the driver which hospital to go to. I was unable to accompany her because our other sister was terribly ill at the time and I had to be with her. Two-and-a-half weeks later with the exceptional help of a very dedicated doctor at the hospital my addicted sister arrived back home, weak as a kitten, but with nicotine patches and all alcohol removed from her system and off our premises, “cured”. It was a rough couple of months but I persevered and refused to let her give in to temptation. Luckily, she had cataracts at the time and was unable to drive or I may have had more of a fight on my hands! Everyone in our circle of family/friends was afraid to employ tough love over the past 45 years to stop her self-destructive behavior. I am so glad I persevered because she is so much better for it today. Our brother (who is an enabler) still glares at me in disgust wondering how I could be such a bitch! I don’t care what he thinks…I believe our sister is still alive because I was and still am so hard on her! She is a much better person for it and doesn’t miss the cigarettes or alcohol any longer so to me it is worth it.
My conclusion regarding people who cannot communicate in a rational and civil way is caused by their immaturity.
You mentioned that most of the places you worked were mostly male. I have worked and had children work in female run enterprises, and they often give new meaning to the term “toxic work cultures”. Backstabbing and gossip run amok.
Not that I personally was affected – I refused to get involved in the petty intrigues and sabotage, and usually stayed to myself and worked alone. In fact, to avoid politics, which I detest, I have worked most of my life in employment where I have worked alone or with a small, loose group.
I realize this also happens with men, but nowhere near the extent it does with women.
Women do do things differently than men, trying to reach a consensus before doing anything, for instance. This is great if you CAN reach a consensus and do it in a reasonable period of time. Where it breaks down is if you can’t and something has to be done. Women will usually talk endlessly and do nothing until the whole department or company goes under. There are some, but few, women who will take a stand, be leaders, stand alone, and fire a few naysayers or troublemakers to save the business.
In a nutshell, what you are complaining about is basic human nature, and as it hasn’t changed in the last 30,000 years or so it isn’t going to change in the next 10. Both men and women share that nature, and though they may express it in different ways, the end results are the same. If men disappeared today, nothing would have changed tomorrow.
Thank you for this John. I used to think I was the only one who felt this way. Happily, I’m beginning to see some other men who do as well, but not many. Not enough.
I’m overjoyed at starting to see the number of women who are willing to step up and be the adults in the room.
Which is why the number of women in government is such a positive sign…….