If I’ve learned after writing on the Internet for half of my life it’s that when you ask for feedback, you will get some. And you won’t like some of it.
About 98 per cent of it will be useful, but the other two per cent can get dicey, and will sometimes challenge my own sense of myself as touch and battle-scarred.
Nobody is too big to be hurt, just ask any Hollywood star. You need a big ego to put your thoughts out there, and even a big ego can get punctured, like a big hot air balloon.
Yesterday, I put up the fourth podcast that Maria and I recorded – our official podcast goes up next week. And yes, most of the feedback was positive and encouraging, we were delighted and encouraged by it.
But I rarely post praise on my blogs, it’s the other stuff I learn from and that sometimes need to be addressed. Praise doesn’t make me re-think myself.
Social media and the Internet is another story.
Social media promotes rudeness, presumption, false intimacy and plain old boorish manners. It’s just too easy to hit the “send” button, there is no penalty for not thinking.
There is the idea that if you put yourself out into the world, you are “asking for it” in the same way women are “asking for it” when they wear attractive clothing.
My rule for online etiquette is to never write any message I would not want my grandmother to read or hear. And to never say anything in a digital message that I would not say to somebody’s face if I were sitting face to face in their living room.
For me, feedback is not a license, but an opportunity to be useful or helpful.
This morning, I got this message – the requested feedback to the podcast- from Barb V., a fan of mine and a lover of the blog and my photos.
“Sorry Jon, but the lip smacking is so annoying! When the smacking started I turned off. So enjoy your writing and photos however!” – Barb V.
Thanks Barb, I’m glad you like my non Lip-Smacking work. I’m sorry you have a great sensitivity to Lip-Smacking, we will not be friends.
I write about this because I sincerely do not understand why anyone would take the time and trouble to send me a message like this. What is Barb trying to tell me? What is she thinking?
And there are enormous implications for this kind of messaging, just think about the cesspool of anger and hatred that much of social media is.
People might think this is trivial, one silly message, why is it important enough for me to write about?
It is important, because messages like that are hurtful, they disturb people, drive them underground, silence other voices, make them feel badly about themselves, and promote hatred and division.
I believe they should be challenged by anyone with a moral or ethical compass, not because they are of earth-shattering importance, but because they undercut and undermine the very idea of community and humanity.
It is one thing to dislike what I am saying, or to find the content useless and irrelevant. That is valuable feedback.
But lip smacking? Really?
I’ve hearing a good deal about my lip smacking lately, I heard about it when I did the T.S. Eliot monologue and I head about it when I did my radio show “Talking To Animals.”
Lip Smacking is a new entry into my life. I do not intend to quite my podcast because of it.
Anyone can hear my Lip-Smacking, but honestly, most people are too nice to talk about it, and most people don’t really care. There are lots of us on TV and radio and even in the movies.
In the interests of transparency, I ought to say that I have what the doctors call dry mouth, it is caused by the diuretics I take, medications for diabetes and heart disease that reduce sugar in the body and relieve pressure on the heart.
My diabetes is firmly under control and my heart is strong and steady. Without these medications, I might well be dead or very sick. And there would be no podcast, or blog or photos that Barb likes.
Dry mouth, like Dyslexia, is not a character flaw or creative failing, it is medical issue. It is the sort of thing I was taught not to ridicule or laugh at. Barb did not know my grandmother, she would get her ear twisted half off for sending a message like that.
I went to see a specialist about it last week, and he says he can help.
He thinks the underlying problem might be a sinus infection, he gave me some medicine that has already made it better. He has some other ideas for me. I have the feeling it is quite treatable. My doctor say he treats a TV anchor who had it and it went away for him.
I have no idea whether it will go away for me or not, and I shake my head in wonder at my feeling that I need to address this at all on my blog. But I do. It is important.
This was once something people used to call private, and I cannot imagine telling any fellow human that such a thing would in someone else would be too repulsive for me to bear. And this from a fan. Imagine what my enemies are thinking. Not too long ago, we respected this kind of social boundary.
Why don’t we any longer? I would suggest it’s the medium not the message.
The most troubling thing to me about Barb’s note as I de-construct it (I love to do this) is that Barb is not only not trying to be nasty, she does’t even realize that she is being nasty.
Her la-dee-da note is quite cheerful and matter-of-fact. It is completely oblivious to the idea that there is a human being on the other end of the message who actually has feelings. She would never dream of saying it to my face.
That is what social media can so easily do, make us forget that we are dealing with other human beings, much like ourselves.
If you look at the news, you can see why this is important, this failure to recognize the person on the other side of the message as a human being is tearing people, and the country, apart.
Every thoughtless message is a part of the problem, and you can only fight back one message at a time. I feel morally obligated to fight back.
This is the growing danger with social media. It deadens feeling and empathy, it tramples boundaries and the normal sensitivities that govern human discourse. I don’t want that to happen to me. I don’t want to not care about people’s feelings.
I don’t want to hate people who think differently from me, and have different ideas.
I do ask for it, I accept that and I can obviously take it or I would be dead. I’m also a big boy. But I won’t lie about it, Barb’s comment stung, as is apparent. My first thought was that somebody found me revolting, my second thought was that hoped my lip-smacking wouldn’t drag down the great work Maria is doing on the podcast. Barb’s comment made me feel old and somewhat disgusting, at least for a few minutes.
Public people are not supposed to admit that, but I will never lie to myself or to you.
What I have learned is to shake myself off like a dog does when I get messages like this, and move on. You won’t hear another word about it from me, and I don’t need to be consoled.
If Barb learns to think about her messages, this will be well worth the time and trouble.
I have a good fat ego, but I am also human, and hope to remain so, even in this strange new world of narcissistic communications, me-talk.
I always want to remember that messages are not only about me, there is a them to worry about. There is a fellow human on the other end.
I am learning to consider every message I send to have a moral ethic to it, I must always try to ask my questions: Would I send it to grandma? Would she approve of it?
And if the answer is no, then there is yet another opportunity for me to grow and think. I delete the message, and then go and make a better one tat grandma might like.
I’m not the least bit surprised that people spew forth insults on the internet. The sad part is that a large percentage of these people probably behave in exactly the same way when they are face-to-face with someone. I’ve been morbidly obese my whole life and I’ve lost count of the number of people who directed unkind remarks at me. It’s almost as if they thought I wasn’t aware of what I looked like and they were performing a public service by telling me. When I was a child my own father constantly said that I’d be dead before I was thirty if I didn’t lose weight and that if I wasn’t so big the other kids would like me more. Anytime I got new clothes he would ask if I had purchased them at Edmonton Tent & Awning. So the internet insults don’t surprise me. You just need to ignore them. Without an audience, people like that drift away relatively quickly. If the insulter is someone you know, consider the source and ignore them. If it’s a stranger, be grateful they aren’t part of your circle.
Sorry you went through this Daryl, for me, the point is that if you really want to know what’s tearing up the country, this is one of the big factors, the sad reality that we no longer talk to one another face to face as humans, but as some sore of hateful other…
Dust those people who choose to be rude like you do your feet when you walk into your house. I love your voice and everything you say and write about. When I talk about about you I do this all the time I feel like I am talking about a very dear friend. Someone who knows what my soul looks like. It makes me so angry to think someone so cruel would waste your time when you so so much good in the world.
Thanks Kris, they are people too, I think we are mesmerized by the pull of technology, but don’t like to think of its drawbacks…that is the tragedy of technology, I think…
I was taught, “If you don’t have something nice to say about something or someone, don’t say anything at all.” I think many of us were brought up with this belief. Unfortunately, common sense, basic good manners, etiquette, politeness seem to have flown out the window. Perhaps it IS partly the fault of social media and the internet. I am quite sure most of these cretens would never dream of picking up the telephone to inform you your lip smacking is annoying Jon! They should think twice before letting their fingers do the spewing!
By the way, I listened to your most recent podcast Jon and your lip smacking has improved tremendously. However, I don’t think I EVER would have noticed it in the first place if some of your rude listeners had not so callously pointed it out. Get a grip people and take up a cause worth worrying about! Such a ridiculous, petty thing to point out to someone.
Do some good like Jon and Maria and HELP somebody in need within your own little world. Ask Jon: it’s the little positive deeds that add up and make the world a better place.
Strang. I am not aware of any “lie smacking—I. really not. I’m enjoying the fun in your voices, the fun and .sparkle of the back and forth of your conversation. I’m very happy that you are exploring the podcast format.
I agree!!!
Go Jon, Both you and Maria have voices that are pleasant to listen to, not always the case. It is part of you, rejoice.
When I was a child my Mother always told me that if I had nothing good to say about anything, then it was best to say nothing at all.
Sounds like (oops) she’s one who has a strong reaction to “mouth sounds”. It’s associated with ADHD. My daughter has this reaction and it’s quite common. It’s real but still doesn’t give her the right to send the message she did.
I am amazed every day by the insensitivity and cruelty and sense of entitlement displayed on social media. It doesn’t help that we have a president who has normalized bullying and name-calling and cruelty. I think you are right that her remark is not only troubling because of its unkindness but even more so because of her obliviousness to it’s obvious unkindness. It would have been so easy for her to simply not listen to future podcasts if she didn’t care to. I say honestly that every time I hear your voice I enjoy it. You have a very pleasant speaking voice—you and maria both. The point of what you are doing is not to display perfect diction but to express your humanity—the interesting and meaningful and helpful anecdotes of your life. I hope barb reads your post about this and learns something from it, but unfortunately these days for many, commenting takes precedence over listening.
I know how you feel. All my life I’ve been getting not-so-nice comments from my family. I know what they’re referring to and will take action as need be. Sometimes the comments from family are meaner than strangers. And every time I want to respond to their nastiness, I stop and tell myself that I’ll be the bigger human and just ignore them. It works for me. Why somebody wastes time making a comment that makes someone feel bad is pretty stupid. She’s got too much time on her hands! She needs to volunteer her time at a dog or homeless shelter!
I am NOT saying this simply to be nice, yet I have not ever noticed this ‘lip smacking’. Sincerely! How great life would be if we could ignore comments like that. Please try. With all the good you are doing, all the help you are giving so many of us, and all the joy you send out to the world with such openness, I am shocked that anyone takes the time to send you negative comments at all!!! Stay strong, stay tough, keep you humor, keep your insight, and please keep it coming for those of us who benefit and derive great happiness from it. I know I’m not the only one who is grateful to you!!!!!
I know how you feel. I breathe thru a tracheostomy tube after having 7 throat surgeries and I get comments all the time. Insensitive. I have heard it all from it isn’t very attractive but I guess it is necessary or I can hear you breathing but I suppose you can’t help it. What dolts. I love your podcast. You and Maria are naturals at it.
Patsy, I can’t even imagine the rudeness and cruelty that anyone would say those things to you. Good grief people, get a grip. I doubt if we looked deeply into their lives we wouldn’t find quite a few things we could complain about as well. I am sorry you have had to endure that.
Good morning Jon. I am not a ‘comment’ type of person but this makes 2 in a few weeks. One was to Maria when my heart was warmed after seeing a wonderful pic of Bud in the car. His face just glowed with love, happiness and adventure. His eyes were a window to his soul…full of his new amazing life and possibilities..
I do not read the comments people leave, but after you shared the lip insult I just wanted to put my own comment in here. I read your blogs everyday….maybe not all the text in all of them mainly because of time constraints. I am an animal lover so I pick thru for the critter parts but also enjoy a lot of your other topics. I have a folder on my desktop with several very moving opinions and shared phrases from your blog that I feel make me a better person if I visit the folder regularly.
I know that you use ideas from decades of brilliant philosophers and poets but there are several that I have in the folder that I read for the first time on your blog. ..like ‘Love is the will to let those we love be themselves, for better or worse.’ There are also a lot of your takes about nursing homes, dying, trying to be a better friend, etc.
So I want to thank you for sharing some of your life and opinions with us….and remember that the stinky fertilizer we use in the soil in our garden…makes the plants grow and the flowers bloom!
Wonderful post, Sue, thanks..
Sue – I have found Jon’s sharing of spiritual wisdom and great quotes so helpful too. I love me a good quote and he is so well read. I love having Wendell Berry and Thomas Merton and Pema Chodron on the side tables ready to be grabbed.
Hi, I had never heard of lip smacking until you mentioned it a while ago and I don’t think I would even notice it. Imagine if everyone thought twice before writing a comment and followed this simple rule: “if you have nothing nice to say, just stay quiet”. It would be a wonderful world again. Take good care.
There is no subtlety in discourse anymore. People just open their mouths and out it comes. No one stops to think how will my words and thoughts sound to others. Full speed ahead; just click the button on the computer — That’s the way to do it!!! Sigh!!!
I agree that the Internet has made us quite insensitive to everything and everyone. It is sad that people mindlessly spew hurtful words around, hit the send button, and move on to the next thing to attack. I think we all have something that we dislike about ourselves. My sister used to tell me I was my own worst critic. Points being, most of us don’t need others to bash us when we can do quite nicely ourselves! People who see the value in your words will continue to follow you regardless of one persons rude and thoughtless comments. Just makes me wonder where her self-worth meter registers??
Can you direct me to Maria’s blog? You are very interesting!
Google, it’s easy to use..
Barb’s loss….listen for for the message not how it is delivered!